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Hey all.

I am BP1, OCD, GAD, SAD, BPD, ADD and PTSD.  At least those are what they say I have...

My life has been shitty lately.  I just cut myself to the point that I look like a zigzag map all over.  I can't function.  I can't do well..  anything.  Durring the day I am depressed.  To depressed to even get up.  At night I am manic, to the point that I cut a lot.  Then I passout sleep, after taking ambien and whatever else I can to knock out.  I wake up, like 4 pm and take a shower and start all over.. 

I can't even function.  I am not dumb.  I have IQ or 169.  I tried school.  I get all ambitious and go..  And then start anxiety..  A lot of it.  The depression..  The a whole mix of stuff..

My mom is having my apply for Social security.  I am scared I won't get it.  I can't work.  Always get fired.  I am a good worker, when I can function.  But more often than not..  I can't.  I don't want to end up in a shelter or something, because I can't take care of myself financially.  I don't know what else to do anymore. 

I am overwelmed and stressed..  I am sore from cutting.  I am going to try to pass out to start over again tomm. 

I am at the bottem and feels like I am spinning, attempting to tunnel deeper..  When there is no where left to go. 

I am nothing.  I am a failure.  I try.  I really do.  I just can't do it.  I can't function.  I can't be normal..  At least not normal all the time.  I get a few days when I can fake it.  If I am lucky I get that ambitious month.  Then it all crashes. 

Am I doomed?  To a life of nothing?  And what do I do about ssd?  I am sooo scared they will say no. 

I have a lotta proof I am.  I been in hosp four times.  I cut, got pics and scars.  I been to like 50 drs and on almost every med out there, from welbutrin to lithium to paxil to depakote to prozak to...  about 600 others. 

I just don't know what to do if they say no.  I gotta go to a dr they chose for an evaluation and shit and I am freaking out.  A lotta anxiety.  I wanna blow it off.  I can't I really can't. She is gona hate me and say no and I am gonna get no money and end up being a hooker living in a shelter.  I know it. 

I don't know what to do.  I am gonna go try and pass out.  Any ideas?

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Why doesn't everybody have social insurance in the US?  Here in Sweden everyone is insured regardless how rich or poor. Having some kind of illness is very bad for ones economy. The medicines cost a minor fortune, yet the state pays part of the cost.

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Telescopium--please, don't be so stressed about this.  I think, with your doctor and med history, plus always losing jobs, you have quite a good chance.  Hell, my fiancee made it on her first try!

As for the doc you are going to be evaluated by--I'm going to assume this is a psychologist or some such who will be giving you a mental exam, possibly including an IQ or standard mental exam (such as the...MMPI?  I think that's it).  This evaluator will NOT hate you, really, and is not the one to say "no"--they just jand over their findings to the Disabilty Deyermination people, who will make the final call.  And if that's a "no", you can always appeal.

I know it's a stressful situation, having been through it with my fiancee, but just keep thinking "I have a good case...I have a good case" and that should help.

And of course--DON'T blow off the appointment!  You won't get another!

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Well, if you give up, you surely will not get it.  And if they deny you, you appeal (like everyone else does).  A history of multiple meds, a few hospitalizations, and failed job attempts is a sign that your mental conditions are serious.  Hopefully, you have kept a record of each and every job attempt and the duration of each attempt.  Even better if your medical records reflect each and every job attempt and the circumstances reflecting the termination of the job attempt.  The application asks for your job history for 15 years prior to the date that your disability began; hopefully you listed every job.

So you applied for SSDI and/or SSI----did you read the website:

http://www.crazymeds.us/ssdi.html  ?

My article has link and telephone for the NOSSCR---this organization provides referrals to attorneys who handle Social Security disability claims, including mental impairments, in your area. So, after the exam, if you get denied, I suggest you hire an attorney who can help you appeal your claim (there is the Reconsideration appeal, which has been eliminated in some states----but make sure that you meet the deadline if your state still requires this step.) 

Remember, if you get denied, it doesn't mean that you are not disabled. It just means that there is not enough evidence in your file to make the determination that you are disabled. A competent disability attorney can help you gather the information in your file, communicate with your healthcare professionals, gather the evidence that is missing, and present your case before the ALJ (Administrative Law Judge) who has the authority to determine that your case is determining.  You want to get an attorney who does not charge unless s/he wins your case; such attorneys get a portion of your retroactive pay (not to exceed $5,300).

The psychiatrist or psychologist performing the CE (consultative examination) will conduct a mental status examination and maybe have you take the MMPI. For your type of impairments, an IQ test would not be appropriate.

CNS is right about keeping the appointment. The SSA may deny your claim for failure to cooperate, and you don't want to delay your claim further by making them reschedule another one.

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I have only one thing to add. Is there someone that can help you with all of this? You said your mom wanted you to apply. Can she keep track of the paperwork and dates for things for you? If she can, that'd probably take a big chunk of worry off of you. When I was going through the application process, it occurred to me that there are probably a lot of people out there who could be getting SSI or SSDI, but aren't because they are overwhelmed with the process.

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I have only one thing to add. Is there someone that can help you with all of this? You said your mom wanted you to apply. Can she keep track of the paperwork and dates for things for you? If she can, that'd probably take a big chunk of worry off of you. When I was going through the application process, it occurred to me that there are probably a lot of people out there who could be getting SSI or SSDI, but aren't because they are overwhelmed with the process.

This is a good point, and I think that if you have someone there helping you thriugh the process, it may add to the impression that you are "less capable".  I know I handled pretty much all of my fiancee's claim, including filling out most of the paperwork and going to her CE with her--which was good, as she didn't remember all her problems, or just didn't feel like either she could bring them up or that they were important.

Certainly, if you feel like there are things you can't handle, or things you can't remember, someone (i.e. your mom) that knows you well is good to have along.

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Yeh i kinda agree - get your mum to help you if you can...

I'm going thru the social security process right now and it's a nightmare - i'm missing dates, missing forms, they're rejecting forms i put in...

I still haven't got any of it sorted.

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