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screwed things up big time


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i had a meeting today and, minus clonazepam, was a fidgety, trembling, total mess, and i could barely get through a sentence without forgetting what i was going to say.  i can't even explain how BAD this is, i don't have the energy or mental ability right now to even begin.  i've been awake for 28 hours and i just can't get over how terrible it must have looked.  even my LIPS were trembling.  what in the fuck???!!!  i hate myself.  i really do. ;)   :)   :P   :ninja:   :ninja:   :angry:   :D   :)   :ninja:

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i had a meeting today and, minus clonazepam, was a fidgety, trembling, total mess, and i could barely get through a sentence without forgetting what i was going to say.  i can't even explain how BAD this is, i don't have the energy or mental ability right now to even begin.  i've been awake for 28 hours and i just can't get over how terrible it must have looked.  even my LIPS were trembling.  what in the fuck???!!!  i hate myself.  i really do. ;)   :)   :P   :ninja:   :ninja:   :angry:   :D   :)   :ninja:

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Please try to give yourself a break, whats done is done. What was the meeting about? Was it work-related? I know you said you don't have the energy to explain, but often times the way we perceive that we come across is not nearly as bad as how others perceive us. Did you run out of Klonopin? Are you trying to get off of it?

Many of have been in this kind of jam, Rarely do we do the irrepreparable damage we think we've done. Try to calm down (I know, easier said than done.) Maybe you can tell us more, and get more feedback and be a bit more reassured.

But if not, just know that we know how badly these situations suck, and a lot of us have been in them, unfortunately, more than once!

This is just for me, maybe it will help you, I hope it doesn't piss you off, it's just a little something I tell myself when I've had an experience or day like you've described. I tell myself, "the only thing that is the end of the world, is the end of the world." Stupid, but it helps to relieve some of my anxiety when I feel liked I've really fucked something up.

Hugs if ya want 'em!

S9

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ok basically my (adopted) sister lives with me in foster care because my mom is even nuttier than i am.  and the last several months have been really hard for me, i don't even know why, but that is beside the point-- my coping skills have depleted.  and a few weeks ago i go sick and went off my meds because otherwise i just could NOT get out of  bed and i HAD to.  i went off strattera and lexapro.  then sunk into a really bad depression.  during which i had a meeting with one of the licensing workers, and i knew i was in bad shape so i took some clonazepam before i met with her.  not knowing it has a  side effect of weepiness.  crap.  did i ever weep.  i was so out of it, so upset.  and i couldn't even hear what she was saying because i was telling myself how stupid, stupid, stupid i look.  anyway so later i was feeling bad so i explained what had happened, but i did so with really bad wording i guess.  it appeared that i had overmedicated myself for her benefit, well because i'd have been so upset about the prospect of meeting with her.  when that was not what it was about.  and so today i have what i think will be a run of the mill meeting with the head licensing lady and all of a sudden she pulls out my email where i was trying to explain why i'd behaved that way.  and she talks about how i know it must concern her and if i know why, etc, etc, and i just could not even speak to start to explain it.  i'm so tired and i just couldn't deal with it so i was starting to cry and i told her i didn't have anything else to talk about and left.  well after i stood up and ran into my own chair and then wobbled out.  i can't even imagine how bad that looked.  it IS bad.  it was a terrible mistake to even try to explain myself.  no matter what, the fact is i'm a loser and my sister would be better off somewhere else so maybe in the back of my stupid mind i did it intentionally.  i don't know.  i just feel really sad right now.  i want to do the right thing.  i just am not sure what it is.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

This does not sound terrible, (not to invalidate your feelings--obviously you FEEL terrible), but it doesn't make you sound incompetent or unable to care for your sister. Has that been suggested by anyone? That you can't do it? If you feel like you can, and want to continue to do so, weepiness, medication disruptions and interference and the like are not going to get her taken from you. The authorities are probably so relieved that someone of your caliber is stepping up TO take care of her, and the probably understand more than you know how meds can mess with a person, but is not indicitive in and of itself of your competency to care for your sister.

You are to be commended to be taking this huge responsibility on while trying to stabalize you're own mental and emotional well-being.

How old is your sister? What was the purpose of the meeting? And the outcome? The real outcome (if you know yet) and not your perceived outcome, because I think you have a thinking distortion problem going on right now. Which is totally common, but a real fucking pain in the ass to deal with. In other words, you sound, to me, quite sane, but struggling. FWIW...

If you truly feel like you can't deal with raising your sister, and it's detrimental to your health and wellbeing on a continuing basis, then that's another story. And an area that I don't feel qualified to really comment on, as I've never been through it myself, and I'm not a social worker. But if you feel able and committed to continue raising her, and you've just hit a rough patch, this can be worked through with your docs, support from whomever in your real life and you always have us looney tunes here to love you and cheer you on!

S9

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