My story - nothing unique - just needed to talk...

[standingnsunshine]

I was diagnosed bipolar about 7 years ago around the same time as my first suicide attempt. Long story short - I rejected the diagnosis and eventually went off all meds because I thought my issues stemmed from the stress of nursing school. School over - no meds needed. 

About 3 years later, started seeing a new psychiatrist and taking antidepressants. I actually felt like I had my life back... 

Then, at some point recently, my son died. I had an affair. My husband and I had another  child. And then affair was discovered by my husband. The intense guilt and depression led me to try to kill myself, and I recently endured my first psychiatric hospitalization. 

Wellbutrin and buspar were once my miracle cocktail. I'm still on those, plus lamictal, plus latuda. Latuda is not helping me. It may have cleared my suicidal thinking, but over all... I feel lost, stuck, hopeless, and let down. I've reached out to my psychiatrist for help so many times, and I'm screwed over by the incompetent office staff each time. 

Can someone just tell me it gets better? Do I even deserve better after  what I've done? I'm paranoid and delusional. My intrusive thoughts seem worse each day. I want to believe it gets better. Ive dropped down to working part time and I'm seriously considering quitting. 

It used to be that I only felt competent at being a mother. But now I don't even feel I can do that right. 

I'm a mess.

Is there any hope? If a med didn't work for you, did you find a med that did help? I want to feel like myself again... I feel so let down that latuda isn't helping me. 

Thanks for listening...

[Blahblah]

First off, I'm very sorry to hear what you've been through. Sounds like enough for anyone to feel severely depressed simply due to situational factors. Do you see a therapist?

I think seeing a therapist + meds are more helpful than one or the other. Meds are a rollercoaster...some are helpful for a few symptoms and some not so much. I think they have helped me reach greater stability, but there are a few symptoms that have not completely gone away. It sounds like Latuda is not doing the trick? There are other meds in that class  that may be more helpful. Hang in there and keep us posted.

[Rabbit37]

I'm very sorry too to hear of your immense struggles. Yes, you do deserve better, and I hate to say, it might take several trial and errors to find the right combo. It can happen, tho. 

As BB mentioned, therapy is an important piece of the puzzle too. I hope you can find a good therapist.

 

[phidippus]

13 hours ago, standingnsunshine said:

Can someone just tell me it gets better?

Do I even deserve better after  what I've done? 

Is there any hope?

If a med didn't work for you, did you find a med that did help?

Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.  Sometimes it gets better.

What did you do that was so horrible?

There is always hope.

I have been through so many meds its not even funny.  Eventually you find one that works or a combination that works.

[standingnsunshine]

Thanks for your replies... I do see a therapist. I have tried to make weekly appointments since the suicide attempt but she only has so much availability. And the holidays have her especially busy. I see her this week but I feel like it's too long to wait. 

I guess I've just been lucky in the past that it hasn't taken much trial and error to find something that works. And before I was discharged from the hospital I really did feel much better. Then as soon as I got back into the real world, I felt a sickening feeling in my stomach like I hadn't made any progress.

Oh well... One day at a time, I guess. 

Thank you. It has helped just to read that it might get better, even if it gets worse before it gets better. It helps to hear it from people who know... As apposed to my husband who is just saying something positive but really doesn't understand what this is like. 

[aandrews73]

Hello, 

I've been looking for you. Someone whose life runs near parallel to mine. Oh if in so many ways. Please don't give up. I'm still waiting for it to get "BETTER", persay but it can't get any worse. Welbutrin and Buspar are my saviors as well and the added abilify, at times klonopin but currently temazepam to sleep. I've been through the marriage, the behind the back, the divorce, the child that i am just now, 16 years later revealing to his actual father. I don't work but am struggling to go to school and at times just want to throw it all down the drain. I've been to the counselors the psychiatrists the groups. I've been on all the meds, I've been 75 pounds no appetite, poor health, my life in disarray. I know what you are going through all but the loss of a child. I can't possibly imagine that. I have 4. We all deserve good in life, we are only human and we make mistakes. We live and learn from those mistakes and would not be who we are without them. Keep fighting your fight, don't give up. The meds are there to assist but we have to want for ourselves and for those we love and who love us. I hope that you get my message and that you are doing well. I would love to hear from you and know how you are. Best wishes on your journey. I am right there beside you fighting just as hard. ??