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Going to the hospital

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I can't take life anymore. I woke up with a panic attack from hell and thought I was gonna diea from a heart attack. As soon as I'm alone, even for a minute, I cut my legs. I've realized like is not worth living. As painful as my down periods are, the up periods can't compensate in anyway. I've been in hell on earth. I don't ever want to go back, even if it means never going back to life again.

My last psych hospital visit was a disaster. They refused to cooperate with my private pdoc. She has promised to get me in to another hospital, but worst case I have to go to my old hospital, where they do nothing but lock you up. They're anti-medicine and believe strictly in therapy, even for bipolar. When I had visitors they said it would be better if I stayed in my room thinking. Like that would make me any better when my thoughts are trying to kill me.

Please, think of me and pray (if you believe) that I will finally get the help I need.

Hope to be back soon.

Thanks for all the help guys.

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I keep a gecko made of beads during my first hospital stay hanging from the mirror on my truck.  At first I meant it as a reminder that I NEVER want to go bacl there again.  But over time it has become a symbol of hope, that there is a safe place to go when I don't feel like living any more.


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