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Last night my suicidal feelings came in full strength....again......This efexor withdrawal..... ;) but, I'm not here to whinge about efexor withdrawal...but. am asking instead how to cope with suicidal feelings....

They keep flooding in and I feel like I have no control....that's the scary part, that I might act on what my suicidal self wants....I have plenty of pills to attempt the job...but....naturally, I don't really want to....

And, as I'm (or was, before the 37.5 mg drop.....) recovering so I have more energy to do things if I put my mind to them...that energy scares me.....

Afternoons and evenings are the worst....when the efexor (which isn't the XR version I've been taking all the while on 150 and 75mg) wears off (I read today that the half life is 5 hours.....) thankfully I take mirtazapine around 9.30-10pm....

And yes, I'm asking my GP tomorrow morning if going back up to 75 mg is a good plan.....

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:)

Last night my suicidal feelings came in full strength....again......This efexor withdrawal..... ;) but, I'm not here to whinge about efexor withdrawal...but. am asking instead how to cope with suicidal feelings....

They keep flooding in and I feel like I have no control....that's the scary part, that I might act on what my suicidal self wants....I have plenty of pills to attempt the job...but....naturally, I don't really want to....

And, as I'm (or was, before the 37.5 mg drop.....) recovering so I have more energy to do things if I put my mind to them...that energy scares me.....

Afternoons and evenings are the worst....when the efexor (which isn't the XR version I've been taking all the while on 150 and 75mg) wears off (I read today that the half life is 5 hours.....) thankfully I take mirtazapine around 9.30-10pm....

And yes, I'm asking my GP tomorrow morning if going back up to 75 mg is a good plan.....

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

geez, this has to be one of the hardest questions. when i have felt this way it seems impossible to feel any other way.

and i have yet to start decreasing my effexor. yeeg. SO dreading that.

what is saving me is seroquel. so far so good.

good luck,

grouse.

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This is really not a topic I discuss with anyone.. I always have suicidal - not so much feelings -  but a plan.  it is in place for the day when I say I am done. I know exactly where when and how.

Like they say a bunker , an emergency fallout shelter.. whatever. I guess after a decade of being a non-contributing member to society with still no hope on the horizon, it is hard to say at the end of the day I really did good at work today.

No pats on the back,no CEO s coming to congratulate you.. no more trips, NOTHING.

I still handle the day to day routine of a reclusive computer addict, but someday, I may need to get my plan up and running.

Frosty.

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nestling,

Hoo Boy, that's a hard one. Having had those urges several times over the years, what has helped me is having a collection of promises and rules.

There's the 24-hour rule. No matter how bad it is, I can always give myself 24 more hours. On the worst days, I've asked myself, "Does it have to be right now? If not, I know I can make it another day.

The You Must Tell Someone rule. It's easy to lure yourself into the feeling that you don't matter to anyone. It's not true. It's something I have promised myself to test. Preferably a close friend. Someone who would be devastated if you went through with it. Someone who would feel angry, guilty and betrayed. Just the thought of having to make such a call to a friend to ask for help has held me back and made me realize that all options have not been exhausted.

Suicide is a lonely act. Go be with someone. Call a friend or relative and say that you need company and can you come over and spend the night.

The Rule of Children. When I had my son, one of my biggest goals was to try to end the passing down of emotional abuse and fucked-upness from one generation to the next. I have worked hard to make that goal a reality for 18 years now. If suicide doesn't constitute emotional abuse, nothing does.

That's all I've got.

You have the strength to resist suicide. There ARE brighter days ahead. You may not be able to stop the thoughts. But you can keep yourself from succombing.

I wish you strength and hope. Hold onto the knowledge that this will pass. Some day, you will be glad to be alive. It doesn't always hurt.

Greeny

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I haven't been suicidal for about 7 weeks, but I still have a plan in place in case I start feeling that way.  I call my therapist or now my pdoc and they will help guide me into a safe harbor, usually a psych ward.

My therapist used to tell me, when I was single, to hang around all night diners since there is usually a crowd to keep you from being totally alone.  She pointed out that the waitresses are usually very attentive and they have a smoking section.  Even if my gun was out in the truck, after a few hours of coffee, cigarettes, and journaling, I usually wanted to see at least one more day.

Tommy

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thank you. ;)

weird thing is that I'm not being attacked by the self destructive monster this evening....or all afternoon either...I'm not going to get complacent....I know the little monster is in there....but, I am stronger....

my raft... "The breakdown feared already happened." Winnicott was such a wise man....

that has been my raft today...in a stormy sea...

I will pack on my raft all your comments and ideas.....

Posting here also helped, because, although I happened to be on the counter at work at the time, colleagues were off doing their own thing and I had my space to do what I needed to do to reach out....it was almost like they 'knew' I needed the space, you know?

Posting helped me get out of the destructive mindset, and reach out for a helping hand out of the abyss...

and I feel I have come out of that abyss of the past week....somewhat stronger......

*takes deep breath*

and when I fall in again, or feel in danger, I have more to draw upon...

why am I coming off efexor? that is the million dollar question.....maybe I should ask my GP. she's always straight with me.....as far as I know, I haven't been told, except that it alone wasn't enough...maybe one shouldn't be on 2 ADs for an extended period of time, who knows?

when I've been depressed and anxious all my life, it doesn't make sense to quit any means of medical support when I am even slightly out of the abyss, as someone, that little monster, pulled me back in.....

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Nestling - hugs hugs hugs.  I too am having many of the same thoughts lately.  I've come off Cymbalta and am slowly increasing Zoloft.  Sucks big time.  I think Cerberus once said it's not that we want to actually die and cease living, it's just that we want away from this pain.  I think that in itself says it all.  I don't want to cease to exist, I just want all this pain to stop - you too?  I thought also the other day that until I've exhausted every last medicine, treatment, therapy, hospitalization, etc., then I can kill myself, but not before then.  So, having said that, I have a lot of stuff still up my sleves I've got to attempt and it's gonna be hell getting there.  Kris.  Please take care.

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