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Well, I've spent the afternoon hallucinating my ass off. Despite my antipsychotic, the voices and visual hallucinations just don't want to fuck off. Sometimes I feel like my head's about to explode there;s so many people talking there. I have a pdoc appointment next week, I know I'm not really over my last big mania as there's still hypomanic bits trickling through and I know if I abandoned the Thorazine I'd stop sleeping and escalate up again. The pdoc thought the psychosis was linked to sleep deprivation but alas I am sleeping like a baby, I just start to get a bit manicky every day after I've got up. Unfortunately it's dysphoric I hate you all fuck off sort of mania. Nobody I know fucking gets it, the friends I've told don't understand that mania is a little more then 'a bit of excitement' and as for psychosis we don't even go there. It's pointless. Am I just crazy? Sometimes I just want to die because even though I'm manicky it's all a load of shit that'll never get better. It doesn't help that I'm currently engaged in a battle to get to see the one doctor I get on with on a long term basis because everyone else is a shit head who doesn't get it.

Anyway, the point to this post was, I know I've got to start facing up to the psychosis. How do I deal with it? How do you all deal with it? I'm hoping my pdoc will fix all next week but I've got nearly another week to get through first and I'm not seeing another doctor in the mean time because like I said they're all stupid shit heads who don't get me.

I'm having a bit of a pity party here in case you can't tell.....but meh. This sucks. Oh well, least I don't have delusions- maybe the Zyprexa is doing something, couple of weeks ago I thought the hospital were experimenting on me and my meds were poison. Woo me.

Some advice would be really cool, if any of you have any.

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Umm...I have to say that I'm not the best person to ask: I tend to deal with psychosis by having deep and meaningfuls with gladys the talking horse, shouting hysterically at my friends about delusional stuff and ending up a bit catatonic. But in saying that the delusionnal bit usually makes it the hardest. That doesn't mean by any stretch that non-delusional psychosis is easy, it's fucking hard as hell.

If I think back a long way to non-delusional psychosis I used to get good value out of talking to friends about it. And a word of advise- choose the friends you talk to wisely. I was in art school when I started to hallucinate and everyone i told thought it was really cool and told me i didn't need to seek help I was just arty.

I've never been manic but that must suck balls.

Anyway, I'm just speaking shit: I should stick to reading the boards, but I hate seeing a thread with no replies.

Dan

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Thanks for the replies. Feeling a lot better today, think I just needed to vent really. I like the idea of seeing the psychosis as a way of saying something's wrong...I guess in a way that makes sense, I've wondered in the past if it's almost a way of dealing with tricky emotions. Delusional psychosis is horrid, I really am so totally detatched from reality when delusional, but none of it's very nice really. Damn our brains! I have tried talking to friends, but nobody seems to get *it*. They see mania as 'a bit of excitement' (I keep away from everyone when manic as it's so frightening for everyone, so the worst they see me is hypomanic) and they laugh off hallucinatons and delusions as it's laughable that could ever happen to a person. Guess that's teenagers for you.

I shall definately try all your suggestions though, thanks for taking the time to reply.

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I'm glad you're feeling better today. ;)

I don't go the full way into psychosis....sort of verge around it....I see it as struggling to manage the impact of the shadow side of the personality, all that is frightening and dark and unknown, which include memories and internalisations of bullies/abusers/authority figures of the past...

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