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So... My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. The best f*ing 3 years of my life, but ok.

He's 7 years older than me, so he's a bit more mature than I was when we started dating, but that's a good thing. We've talked about starting our own family in the near future, seeing as I just turned 25, he's 32, we felt like somewhere near, we would be ready for a kid. Before we started dating I was never really sure if I wanted kids of my own. I've always loved kids, but didn't really see myself having my own, I just always thought I'd adopt or something like that. But being with him, changed that. But that's besides the point now.

Ever since we started talking about the more serious things, like kids and moving in together ... he's gotten a bit distant. Now I've told him, that I am in NO hurry to do any of that, and that if he's not sure, he could just tell me, we sure as heck can take things slow. But still, I felt like he never really relaxed after that. Now I know that can mean two things: he's either got cold feet and he ain't ready OR it's not working for him, he doesn't see the future with me.

About 2 weeks ago he got distant again. So I nudged him until he told me what was bugging him. That's when he sort of broke up with me. Over a text. Now. I was pissed. I was not ready to allow him to go away that easy. I would've just gone to his house and all, if I wasn't working, and him as well. At my job. It was not a pleasant night. He was totally distant and I was a wreck.

The next night I drove to his house so we could talk about it in person. And we talked, he never really gave me a good reason, he was all like, well you know, it's just... blah blah blah. When I asked him, like 5 times if this is it, if this is over, he never replied. I had a panic attack that night, I was crying for 3 hours without stopping. He didn't know what to do to help me. He tried to comfort me, but it was only making it worse. After my panic attack he took away my car keys and wouldn't allow me to drive home. So I had to spend the night. It was horrible, he fell asleep, I continued crying until I fell asleep. The next morning I packed up all of my stuff and was about to leave when he came to the room, he saw that I took all of my shit. His facial expression was golden I have to say. He was shocked. He asked me if I have to take it all, and I said I had no use for it there anymore.

He left the next day for Sri Lanka, for 3 weeks. So in less than a week he'll be coming back. He went for work. Of course we talked whilst he's been away. And when I asked him if he's more sure about our situation he said no. He said that he kind of wants to take this break when he's at Sri Lanka, to kind of take an outside look at our relationship.

He said that he saw and still kind of sees a future with me. I def saw a future with him, like I said. I just don't know. On the one hand I fell like he's playing with me, just pushing me around, on the other I fell like he's completely confused and even he doesn't know what to do..

I know it's a long read, but I guess I just need an outsiders point of view on the situation. I am still hopelessly in love with him and would do anything for him. But even I know that the situation is not good. I just don't know. 

If anyone could shine some light on the situation it would be great. I mean I've talked it over with my friends, but I feel like they're all too invested in it and too close to the situation.

Anything will help,

thanks

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  • 2 weeks later...

Did he initially bring up kids/moving in, or did you? This does not sound like someone who is ready. And if the first 3 years were great, and this conversation brought on this kind of reaction, I am thinking he is not ready and is looking for a way out. Probably better for him not to try and fake it, esp. when thinking about starting a family. 

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Totally agree with HR. I have three kids. Even with a partner who wholeheartedly agreed to having them, it's not easy. It's never easy having kids, even among non-MI folk. If he has cold feet now, consider it a blessing that it turned up before you became pregnant.  

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I just want to add that there isn't always a "reason" for someone's emotions cooling off. Not being able to articulate why doesn't mean that one has to stay in the relationship until a good reason is divined. It could be talking about kids, it could be a relationship kind of petering out, it could be no known reason.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 11. 1. 2018 at 2:47 AM, hopelessromantic said:

Did he initially bring up kids/moving in, or did you? This does not sound like someone who is ready. And if the first 3 years were great, and this conversation brought on this kind of reaction, I am thinking he is not ready and is looking for a way out. Probably better for him not to try and fake it, esp. when thinking about starting a family. 

He was always the one who was talking about it, kidding about me being pregnant, whenever I felt sick or something like that. And about moving in together - it was more be, but it was after we were basicaly already living together.

I know, it makes sense like that. But still I don't really understand him. He just seems really really confused about what he wants.

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