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I am really struggling. My Dad had a conversation with me today about how I have been. I was as honest as I could be about things. I went to the doctor last week cos my voices and stuff were back, and the doc said to increase my anti psychotic med, as I am on the lowest dose possible and I can afford to take it up if I am suffering. Well like a good patient I agreed to. Of course I got home and mulled it over and decided not to increase it cos I didn't want to be zombified and was too afraid that my parents would catch me being sleepy and think that I was relapsing or regressing. I don't know why I was so worried about this, I could have just been honest about the AP making me sleepy cos they would've understood. So I explained this to Dad.

Thing is, he started saying that I didn't relate or interact with people very well at all (this is true) that I am deliberately vague with him and Mum about my doings and my health (this is true) and I say nothing to my friends (this is true) and that I will not let anyone support me (this is also true.) More and more my friends have to prod me for details about anything relating to myself.

I just feel so threatened by him pushing me. I feel as if I absolutely cannot be honest with him or anyone in my life about how things are. I have tried to write it down or blog it but I have to delete it. I find it impossible to answer how I am with anything other than a smile and 'fine.' Part of this is fear of being rejected if I am found not to be 'fine' and part of this is the voices and the feelings of having to secretive. It's like I am forbidden to relate to people. I try very hard. But I can't cry or complain or get angry unless I am totally alone, I seem to be incapable of expressing that with anyone.

I am even finding posting here really tough and I am sure that I will be punished for it later. But I knew that you'd understand better than anyone.

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I am really struggling. My Dad had a conversation with me today about how I have been. I was as honest as I could be about things. I went to the doctor last week cos my voices and stuff were back, and the doc said to increase my anti psychotic med, as I am on the lowest dose possible and I can afford to take it up if I am suffering. Well like a good patient I agreed to. Of course I got home and mulled it over and decided not to increase it cos I didn't want to be zombified and was too afraid that my parents would catch me being sleepy and think that I was relapsing or regressing. I don't know why I was so worried about this, I could have just been honest about the AP making me sleepy cos they would've understood. So I explained this to Dad.

Thing is, he started saying that I didn't relate or interact with people very well at all (this is true) that I am deliberately vague with him and Mum about my doings and my health (this is true) and I say nothing to my friends (this is true) and that I will not let anyone support me (this is also true.) More and more my friends have to prod me for details about anything relating to myself.

I just feel so threatened by him pushing me. I feel as if I absolutely cannot be honest with him or anyone in my life about how things are. I have tried to write it down or blog it but I have to delete it. I find it impossible to answer how I am with anything other than a smile and 'fine.' Part of this is fear of being rejected if I am found not to be 'fine' and part of this is the voices and the feelings of having to secretive. It's like I am forbidden to relate to people. I try very hard. But I can't cry or complain or get angry unless I am totally alone, I seem to be incapable of expressing that with anyone.

I am even finding posting here really tough and I am sure that I will be punished for it later. But I knew that you'd understand better than anyone.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Karuna, my brain is extra drug addled, so bear with me...tried Topamax for migraines, ain't working, having a bit of the "dumb as a box of rocks syndrome".

Having disclaimed that: your posts on CB have been some of the most "from the heart" I have read. Especially on the relationship board. The depth of your sharing and the resulting insight blew me away when you first start posting, please don't be insulted by this--I thought you were at least my age (45)--imagine the humbling experience it was for me when I realized you were simply a very wise and caring and willing to share herself younger woman.  I believe I commented on it then. I *like* to think of myself as someone who doesn't judge a person's level of love or wisdom, understanding or intelligence, so forth and so on (god this is HARD, I have TOPAMAX BRAIN) by their age, but rather their life or lives experience.

Maybe you don't feel safe opening up to the people in your real life. It sounds though they might be rather judgmental. I think a lot of us experience this. I know it can wreak havoc when you live with parents (I just moved out of my parents' home after a *lovely* 4 mos. stay while my disability got up and running), so it's fresh.

I had some serious PTSD moments, that I thought I was waaaaaaaaaay past.

Anyway, if I'm rambling, I apologize, but maybe you ARE shutting down out of self-preservation to certain people in your life, but you still feel safe here, don't you? And if you don't feel safe on the boards in general, PM me or anyone you feel like you can trust. But don't stop talking. You have a lot to give. But you must receive too!

Love,

S9

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Thing is, he started saying that I didn't relate or interact with people very well at all (this is true) that I am deliberately vague with him and Mum about my doings and my health (this is true) and I say nothing to my friends (this is true) and that I will not let anyone support me (this is also true.) More and more my friends have to prod me for details about anything relating to myself.

I just feel so threatened by him pushing me. I feel as if I absolutely cannot be honest with him or anyone in my life about how things are. I have tried to write it down or blog it but I have to delete it. I find it impossible to answer how I am with anything other than a smile and 'fine.' Part of this is fear of being rejected if I am found not to be 'fine' and part of this is the voices and the feelings of having to secretive. It's like I am forbidden to relate to people. I try very hard. But I can't cry or complain or get angry unless I am totally alone, I seem to be incapable of expressing that with anyone.

I am even finding posting here really tough and I am sure that I will be punished for it later. But I knew that you'd understand better than anyone.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

karuna,

i can relate to a lot of the feelings you are having.  as far back as i can remember, i have had issues like this.  it is very lonely... im sorry that you are going through this and that you are having a hard time.  i wish that there was something i could do to make it better.  as others have mentioned, you have been such a major giver in this community and you are more than deserving of recieving as well.  let us know if we can do anything fo you. 

<3

~Ophelia

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Karuna, have you ever considered that part of being a good sister/daughter/friend/human being *is* recieving?  it's a cycle: you have to be able to give to recieve, and vice versa.  if you enjoy being able to give to others and helping them, why deny others the same joy of helping?  by shutting yourself off, you're not being thoroughly involved in the human experience, and you are denying your friends and loved ones the chance to give to you.

unfortunately, i can't relate to the voices and feeling like you have to keep secrets...i don't have that aspect of MI, so i can't really help you there.  all i can say is that i believe one of the gifts of life is being able to give to others, and by not recieving, you are preventing others from giving to you.

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I somewhat know what you mean karuna, but I can't figure out what to say about it. It makes me think about how hard it is to want to share inner experience with others when you've been seriously messed up by them in the past, or have been messed up by others for opening up. It's like you need to gaurd your inner reality at all costs, even when that reality starts caving in for lack of shared emotional life.

But maybe that's not what you're feeling. It's just what it makes me think of. Anyway it's tough, getting stuck in that alone place for whatever the reason. I always feel better when I end up sharing emotionally with people, but sometimes it seems the stuff inside isn't okay to share anymore. Sometimes it's best to go against this feeling, but sometimes it isn't. And how do you know when it is and when it isn't? I've had to get so trampled over the years by people who have made it rather clear: being mentally and emotionally unstable is NOT ACCEPTABLE, GOODBYE. It makes it hard to feel there's even a world out there anymore that can understand and can accept. I won't open up at all anymore to people I think are judgmental in that way, which feels like a lot of people.

I don't know if I'm helping. I care though. I hope you can heal, and that your parents can be patient.

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I feel like I can safely post here because I know that you all understand mental illness and also that you aren't real life people. Not that your words don't count, just that you're not my day to day best friends in real life. Does that make sense? Thanks for your words though, Lily I really enjoy your posts for your honesty, and Sat, well you're just the best and I think you're fab. I feel encouraged that people do care and don't reject me.

I haven't thought about recieving as well as giving. I thought that I was expected to be a good daughter/friend/sister/person regardless of what I went through.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

karuna,

I do know what you mean, though without the voices. As far back as I can remember, I have been somehow punished for not feeling well, for needing care. It was like any needs or illness on my part was an affront to the family. So it's very hard for me to let anyone know if I'm not doing well, especially mentally. And it's why I like crazyboards so much. I don't have to pretend.

I also thought (knew) that my role was to be good and helpful regardless of what it cost me. Others' feelings and needs were always more important than mine. If I had needs I was made to feel selfish and greedy.

With a lot of therapy, I'm finally learning to be a little more honest. And surprisingly, I have found some good friends who are honest and accepting with me. You have to weed through a lot of people, though, who just don't want to know.

If you need to take more of the APs, do it. You're not letting anyone down. You're taking care of yourself.

Greeny

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I am really struggling. My Dad had a conversation with me today about how I have been. I was as honest as I could be about things. I went to the doctor last week cos my voices and stuff were back, and the doc said to increase my anti psychotic med, as I am on the lowest dose possible and I can afford to take it up if I am suffering. Well like a good patient I agreed to. Of course I got home and mulled it over and decided not to increase it cos I didn't want to be zombified and was too afraid that my parents would catch me being sleepy and think that I was relapsing or regressing. I don't know why I was so worried about this, I could have just been honest about the AP making me sleepy cos they would've understood. So I explained this to Dad.

Thing is, he started saying that I didn't relate or interact with people very well at all (this is true) that I am deliberately vague with him and Mum about my doings and my health (this is true) and I say nothing to my friends (this is true) and that I will not let anyone support me (this is also true.) More and more my friends have to prod me for details about anything relating to myself.

I just feel so threatened by him pushing me. I feel as if I absolutely cannot be honest with him or anyone in my life about how things are. I have tried to write it down or blog it but I have to delete it. I find it impossible to answer how I am with anything other than a smile and 'fine.' Part of this is fear of being rejected if I am found not to be 'fine' and part of this is the voices and the feelings of having to secretive. It's like I am forbidden to relate to people. I try very hard. But I can't cry or complain or get angry unless I am totally alone, I seem to be incapable of expressing that with anyone.

I am even finding posting here really tough and I am sure that I will be punished for it later. But I knew that you'd understand better than anyone.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Karuna, my brain is extra drug addled, so bear with me...tried Topamax for migraines, ain't working, having a bit of the "dumb as a box of rocks syndrome".

Having disclaimed that: your posts on CB have been some of the most "from the heart" I have read. Especially on the relationship board. The depth of your sharing and the resulting insight blew me away when you first start posting, please don't be insulted by this--I thought you were at least my age (45)--imagine the humbling experience it was for me when I realized you were simply a very wise and caring and willing to share herself younger woman.  I believe I commented on it then. I *like* to think of myself as someone who doesn't judge a person's level of love or wisdom, understanding or intelligence, so forth and so on (god this is HARD, I have TOPAMAX BRAIN) by their age, but rather their life or lives experience.

Maybe you don't feel safe opening up to the people in your real life. It sounds though they might be rather judgmental. I think a lot of us experience this. I know it can wreak havoc when you live with parents (I just moved out of my parents' home after a *lovely* 4 mos. stay while my disability got up and running), so it's fresh.

I had some serious PTSD moments, that I thought I was waaaaaaaaaay past.

Anyway, if I'm rambling, I apologize, but maybe you ARE shutting down out of self-preservation to certain people in your life, but you still feel safe here, don't you? And if you don't feel safe on the boards in general, PM me or anyone you feel like you can trust. But don't stop talking. You have a lot to give. But you must receive too!

Love,

S9

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

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Karuna:

I want to kind of "append" this to my post:

Edited to clarify: the support and love, the *receiving* does not need to come from people you don't trust, e.g., family and friend, if that is the case. What I mean was within the context of CB, you give freely, I hope you feel like you can receive FROM US. So that you don't shutdown completely.

Love,

S9

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I find it impossible to answer how I am with anything other than a smile and 'fine.' Part of this is fear of being rejected if I am found not to be 'fine' and part of this is the voices and the feelings of having to secretive. It's like I am forbidden to relate to people. I try very hard. But I can't cry or complain or get angry unless I am totally alone, I seem to be incapable of expressing that with anyone.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I've done pretty much the same thing for most of my adult life.  It's hasn't worked too good for me.  I know it is hard, but the only way people can help you is if they know you need help.  It sounds like your father genuinely cares and wants to help.  Maybe you should let him.

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Heya Karuna,

Part of why I like it here is that yeah, you guys aren't real people I'm going to see at work tomorrow.

Sometimes I say "my imaginary friends on the Internet" when I talk to myself or DH.

Of course I know you are all people out there somewhere, with groceries and TVs and allergies and parents (or allergies *to* parents).

But I feel safe here.

Karuna, I echo S9 -- you have been so honest and direct about your struggles and your search.  You have been giving to us, and it's *okay* for you to take what we can give too.

Only three people in my real life know what's up.  Even *they* don't know as much as you guys do.  I *think* that's okay.

Sounds like there are some people in your real life you have trusted in the past.  It's scary -- but I think your idea of confiding in one of them is a good one.

It made a world of difference for me when I told my sister.

And, take advantage of the upped AP and get some sleep before the s/e wears off.

;)

--ncc--

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