Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org
Sign in to follow this  
Byron-Black

Dealing With Wife Going Out With Friends

Recommended Posts

As is common in BPD, I have a major fear of abandonment. It used to be worse than it is. When I was left alone, I used to scream and cry and cut myself and generally be horrifically miserable. Now, I don't do any of that, but I'm still afraid she's just not going to come back. I want to text her, but I don't want to be so needy. 

How do you reassure yourself? I've been married for 18 years, I know my wife isn't leaving me, but I can't stop being afraid and wanting to be reassured.

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you have an agreement with her where you can get the reassurance that you need?

For instance, when I need reassurance but don't want to be intrusive I text my partner a pre-determined symbol, and he sends me one back to show me that I'm still cared about. He also makes sure to let me know when he's leaving and when he's due back. Between the three I always have a recent reminder of his return on my phone, and I can look to that to reassure me.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, WinterRosie said:

Do you have an agreement with her where you can get the reassurance that you need?

For instance, when I need reassurance but don't want to be intrusive I text my partner a pre-determined symbol, and he sends me one back to show me that I'm still cared about. He also makes sure to let me know when he's leaving and when he's due back. Between the three I always have a recent reminder of his return on my phone, and I can look to that to reassure me.

We don't have that, but that's a great idea. I will talk to her about doing something like that. She always tries to let me know when she's going to come back, but certain events, like her "ladies' night" with friend end at variable times, so she's not sure.

Thanks.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I find the most helpful method for me with abandonment symptoms is 'check the facts'. Reminding myself and even making a list of 'evidence' why the person isn't going to abandon me, why they don't hate me, why it's good what they're doing (even though I still deserve care, it's okay if they're not always around). It's a really good way to build up some self management skills but to begin with you could involve her.
Sometimes easier to do before the abandonment feelings come on, so maybe do them while she's home. When you feel cared about, that you can refer back to when you're struggling.
In your case it might be things like 'she has always come home before', 'we've been married for 18 years', 'she hasn't given me a reason to think she won't come home', list something/s nice she's done recently that made you feel like she cares.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 2/5/2018 at 5:36 AM, Remnants said:

I find the most helpful method for me with abandonment symptoms is 'check the facts'. Reminding myself and even making a list of 'evidence' why the person isn't going to abandon me, why they don't hate me, why it's good what they're doing (even though I still deserve care, it's okay if they're not always around). It's a really good way to build up some self management skills but to begin with you could involve her.
Sometimes easier to do before the abandonment feelings come on, so maybe do them while she's home. When you feel cared about, that you can refer back to when you're struggling.
In your case it might be things like 'she has always come home before', 'we've been married for 18 years', 'she hasn't given me a reason to think she won't come home', list something/s nice she's done recently that made you feel like she cares.

This is great advice. I will work on it. Thank you.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I suffer from BPD, and I also like, LOVE attention, especially from my fiance. He goes out once a week on one of his days off to go game with his friends at their house. When we first got together, I hated it. Still kinda do, I wasn't worried he wouldn't come back, but I had a bad habit of being up his ass while he was gone. It annoyed everyone there, because the do Dungeons and Dragons gaming, and have a no phones policy essentially. 

I'm becoming to be like, this is my night to keep house more than I do when he's at work. Do dishes, clean the bathroom, take care of the cat's stuff if needed, stuff like that.[I also hate cleaning while he's home. He gets in the way, LOL] It's my "me time". I'm trying to look at the positive side of things. I'm fairly clingy when I'm in a relationship, I've been screwed before, and he knows it. I've essentially gotten to where I've "weaned myself off" basically. 

It took a lot of lecturing me, and telling me that he needed a night to himself, for his me time, with his friends. All couples need space, it's not abnormal, at all.  Seeing as my fiance is also Bipolar and currently unmedicated, it's a bit of a good thing sometimes. If we're arguing, we NEED that space. And we get a night of it at least. 

You should try to look at the positive side if possible, and ask her if there's something ya'll can come to agree on. I would text/call my fiance constantly while he was gone. Then maybe every hour. Every few hours. Twice a night. Once a night. None. Unless it really couldn't wait until morning, although I have times where I'm super bored and might text, or think something's important and it really isn't. If I'm feeling anxious/depressed/don't feel well, then I'll text. If I want him to come home early, he usually does. But, another thing is, she can't allow you to beg her to come home, or enable you to feel so down/negative.

I know my issue isn't as bad/big as yours, because I'm not self harming, but I'm giving my own experiences here. Couples do need their space, even if you think that is just ya'll going to work, or whatever, sometimes more space is needed. Socializing with peers is normal, and healthy. I don't have many friends myself, and so I find other things to do if the chores of the house get done while he's gone. Or I think, "I have the ENTIRE bed to myself! Weeeeeeeeee nap time!" Or I have me time and take a bubble bath, especially if my anxiety is tipping me off.

Find some healthy coping methods, and activities to do while she is gone. Is there a movie or TV show you like, but she can't stand? Watch it. What about some music she doesn't like? Listen to it! She can't say anything if she isn't there! And part of me time is enjoying activities your partner may not like, but you do. I know I watch some of my shows/chick flicks while he's gone, too. We usually try doing things together when he is home, and awake. He works nights. You don't have to take her being gone as negative, turn it into a positive. Think of all the things you can do while she isn't home. My fiance likes singing in the shower, LOUDLY, I however, cannot stand it. Sing in the shower at the top of your lungs, dance around the living room naked or in your underwear. Just have fun, it doesn't have to be anything outlandish, but let loose.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

These replies are full of great advice. There is an upcoming Saturday when my SO is volunteering and it will take up most of the morning and afternoon. I decided to use that time to do something she said she would love to do with me, but I know she would get bored in 20 min. So I am taking a road trip for that day! That way I can experience it, not be rushed or made to feel bad that she is bored, and when we get back home that night we will have stories to share. WIN WIN! 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

And all my life I thought that I'm just too posessive and jelous. It caused a lot of problems in our relationship, as my husband is very social person and he loves to have a lot of friends around him. It's such a relief to know it's not just me to have that kind of feelings and it might be connected with my mental problems. He tries to work on it by encouriging me to go out with girls myself without him. But whenever I do I still think what he's doing alone at home and I text him often.

I found a lot of good advice here and need to share them with him. Thanks!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

  • Similar Content

    • By Blahblah
      This seems most indicative of BPD, but pdocs tell me I don't meet major criteria for it. I have no previous symptoms of: SI, suicide attempts, impulsive behavior, no addictions or eating disorders, no delusions, black/wt thinking, no manias) I have held longer-term (2-5 year) romantic relationships.
      Pdocs have thrown every med at me for 2 decades. Nothing is really making a lot of improvement. I have no adequate diagnosis, because I don't (completely) meet the formal criteria for any one disorder, but traits from many. I've been previous diagnosed with: Major Depression with dysthymia (with/without psychotic features) BP2, PTSD, GAD, BPD, ADD) I surely can't have all these disorders?!
       
      Rapid-cycling emotions (erratic moods can shift every 1-3 hours, not usually just up & down)
      Chronic (moderate) depression, frequent dysphoria, some anxious distress
      Hypersensitivity to many things (including rejection)
      Chronic Emptiness
      Anhedonia (lack of motivation, pleasure in anything, not even sex)
      Perfectionism (includes obsessiveness)
      Paranoia (but not delusional, with insight)
      Hypersomnia, chronic fatigue
      Distractible
      Poor memory
      Very low stress tolerance (has triggered dissociation)
       
       
       
       
       
    • By Angerr
      Had a tiny fight with my psychiatrist, he seems to be dobuting my diagnosis. In the hospital they tried to say i was bpd with bipolar, but my psychologist says i cant be bpd and even my psychiatrist used to think im not. I dont have any bpd traits other than emotional inestability. Anyways im mad bc people dobut my psychotic symptoms he thinks is just something from my imagination or something "typical" from me. Im mad bc the new medication is not working and now i have panic attacks i didnt had before. The  hospital kinda helped kinda made things worse. I feel like my doctor has left me behind, he doesnt care anymore, if he had answered or seen me  15days before when i asked, before i had my big crisis i wouldnt had ended in hospital. Im scheduling an appointment with a new doctor. But i feel so lost, so sad, like no one can help me, not even doctors. Its not fair. This illness is destroying my life. Has anyone ever had this kind of problems with doctors? Have you had a moment where medication made things worse? 
    • By The one lurking behind you
      Hey there!
      Long time no post and I wanted to pop in and get chatting about something that's recently cropped up for me and got me thinking about things. So I'll cut to the chase. I've recently been enrolled in some group therapy after a few years of no meds/therapy/contact with mental health services. After the group I had a chat with the therapist running it and explained about the intense mood changes I'd been having etc. Anyway, she put me in touch with someone who gave me a phone assessment and the questions asked seemed to be the checklist for Borderline. She then said, "ah yes it sounds like Emotional Intensity". This is something I've never heard before in this context. I've heard of emotions being intense or emotional intensity as a symptom but she seemed to use it as a diagnostic term. 
      I did some googling and discovered that Boderline is starting to be "rebranded" as EmOtional Intensity (here's one of the articles I found http://www.awp.nhs.uk/news-publications/trust-news/2016/march/raising-awareness-of-emotional-intensity-disorder/ )
      I wondered, have you ever heard of this Emotional Intensity term being used and what are your thoughts on it?
      -TOLBY
       
    • By HisHarleQuinn
      My fiance has been losing weight recently. He's down 20 lbs and is like 228 lbs now. I've gained weight, but it was also that time of the month. I kinda go after chubby dudes as is, and always worry if they weigh less than me I become unnattractive. His affection towards me hasn't really gone down, it's stayed the same really. I tell him my concerns of me gaining while he's losing, and he says he'll love me no matter what. And that he also doesn't want me skinnier, he just wants me to be happy. But, at the same time he thinks my best friend is too big, [she's considered a SSBBW i'm a BBW if anyone knows what those mean...] but he said the difference too is that if I got as big as her he loves me, not her. I just worry his eyes may start to wander to other girls who aren't as big, although he does prefer curvier women, and I do actually have curves, i'm just a bit chunky. I've got a big bust, wide hips, and a big lower half, plus an hourglass figure, but a bit of a tummy.... And lately I've been more anxious as well about losing him to the point of nightmares, although it seems that they're symbolizing to not worry and to trust him [I die in them, and regret leaving things "left unsaid" with him basically.] Also a gentle reminder, this is my first longest relationship [been almost 2 years now coming this fall, been engaged for a full year now, too as of june.], first engagement, and hopeful marriage in the next few years. He's been married twice. I'm hoping to get us in for a premarital counseling appt cause we've not been in awhile this coming week, also. 
       
      I feel like I've just put him on this pedastal of perfect cause let's face it he IS WAY better than anyone else I've been with putting up with my anxiety attacks, insecurities, etc etc etc, and it's like I'm waiting for something bad to happen and I hate that I'm like that. And he tells me to stop thinking he's perfect too, cause he ain't but he is to me...
    • By Simone.
      Hello everyone! Where to begin...
      I've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder with some avoidant traits. I have been struggling with depression and anxiety since elementary school (I am 22 now).
      Up til this point, I have been in and out of hospitals and treatment centers and passed around from therapist to therapist. I was heavily self- harming and abusing alcohol and other substances. A few months ago, I was sent to yet another center after a suicide attempt. 
      Let me tell you, it changed my life. I was introduced to DBT, which has truly saved me. I am finally on the correct medication which has seriously reduced, if not stopped, my horrid intrusive thoughts and paranoia. Before, I was to the point I could hardly get out of bed, and already had to drop out of college and leave my job. Now, I have rediscovered my love for art, I am waitressing (something I would have NEVER thought possible) and- best of all- my relationship with my fiance is SO much better and we are back to planning our wedding.
      I am back to seeing a therapist regularly, and she is awesome. I've finally confronted issues with my toxic mother and am opening up about traumatic childhood experiences as well as working through family therapy with my father (and my mother, when he can convince her to join). 
      The fact is, life is GOOD, I am somewhere I thought I would never be and I am incredibly grateful. I'm back here to recieve support now that I am more stable and moving forward into uncharted territory in my life. Thanks for being here and reading.
×
×
  • Create New...