Dating and Meds- Anyone else stigmatized?

[JoJoBBY924]

So I met a guy who I really liked. We went on a few dates, then I ended up spending the night last night. Once I got home, he texted me and asked me what medications I took this morning, which I was honest. He said that hasn’t scared him away, but he has been distant and stopped texting me. I know the answer, but it just makes me depressed how stigmatized we are as a community and I wish I never spent the night with him. I’m sorry for the long rant. Anyone else experience anything similar while dating?

[looking for answers]

what made him randomly ask about meds? and yeah there is a stigma. but the way i look at it is, if your scared by my meds, your're not right for me. But i know i have to be careful blurting things out becasue there is that stigma

[JoJoBBY924]

Just now, looking for answers said:

what made him randomly ask about meds? and yeah there is a stigma. but the way i look at it is, if your scared by my meds, your're not right for me. But i know i have to be careful blurting things out becasue there is that stigma

I have absolutely no idea. He texted me that randomly. I don’t usually overshare or even share any of those details with someone that I haven’t been talking to that long but he kind of caught me off guard and I didn’t want to lie. I didn’t straight up tell him my diagnoses but I told him that they are for my mood and keep me going. 

[saintalto]

If you only spent the night last night and he’s not been getting back to you today, it still could be that he’s busy and hasn’t had time to text or communicate. It might be premature to write the whole thing off quite yet. I know I’m terrible with my phone and getting back to people in a speedy manner.

[JoJoBBY924]

12 minutes ago, saintalto said:

If you only spent the night last night and he’s not been getting back to you today, it still could be that he’s busy and hasn’t had time to text or communicate. It might be premature to write the whole thing off quite yet. I know I’m terrible with my phone and getting back to people in a speedy manner.

Thanks! That makes me feel a bit better. I hope you’re right! But I suppose we’ll see.

Edited February 12, 2018 by JoJoBBY924

[sugarsugar]

I hope he’s not being a flake, time will tell, but it was an odd question. There is stigma and I’m not sure I’d catalog my meds for someone, I’m good at being vague. Shouldn’t be that way but it is. 

[saoirse]

Hmm, that is an odd question. It could be pure curiosity, who knows. But still... it is an odd question.

I've reverted to online dating because I can put in my profile that I'm diagnosed with atypical bipolar/schizoaffective and people will know right away. If they have questions, they can ask. If it's too much for them, they can stay away. Besides, I'm terribly shy. I wasn't always like this, but I am now.

I think you responded well. There's no need to tell him your diagnosis when you don't know him all that well. 

Don't feel bad about him not texting you right back. Some people aren't always with their phones, have things come up in their lives, etc. 

[JoJoBBY924]

1 hour ago, saoirse said:

Hmm, that is an odd question. It could be pure curiosity, who knows. But still... it is an odd question.

I've reverted to online dating because I can put in my profile that I'm diagnosed with atypical bipolar/schizoaffective and people will know right away. If they have questions, they can ask. If it's too much for them, they can stay away. Besides, I'm terribly shy. I wasn't always like this, but I am now.

I think you responded well. There's no need to tell him your diagnosis when you don't know him all that well. 

Don't feel bad about him not texting you right back. Some people aren't always with their phones, have things come up in their lives, etc. 

I thought it was odd too. To be honest I kind of froze for a second. I wasn’t offended at all, but it just kind of caught me off guard because I’ve NEVER been asked that before by someone that I just met. He hasn’t texted me at all today so far, but I’m not planning on texting him either. I don’t want to seem to available to him, so I guess if he’s still interested then he can text me, and if not, then oh I guess he won’t.

[Eilatan]

When I have the possibility of someone staying over I hide my meds. I'd have to be really confortable with them to take meds in front of them. I do think someone saw me shove meds in my face once. The relationship ended soon after. He never mentioned if he saw me taking meds tho. I was trying to do it whilst he was out the room. 

I'm' currently just at the beginning of a relationship of sorts. Well well see.  I'm lucky my meds I can take just once in the am. The other one melatonin I told him about cos it' not stigmatised. It' all a bit stressful if I'm honest. 

I hope he gets in contact with you. 

[notloki]

Almost no one has seen/sees me taking my meds. For me it is TMI too soon in a dating situation.

[kittyloaf]

The last time I was dating I told him right away as I didn't want to get emotionally invested if he was going to run off when he eventually found out. I've been rejected for my illness before and it sucks. Hopefully he's just busy right now though.

[BrianOCD]

I think every girl I've dated has told me right up front what's going on...Girls are way more upfront I've found, guys are the one who stay hidden as long as they can...

I've never dumped/stopped talking to a girl because of meds anyways...most people in our society are on something...

[Complicated toad]

I've had it go either way.  One thing someone said that has stuck with me, not in a good way, was "I don't know why you take meds I thought you were stronger than that."  As if resorting to medication was a sign of weakness.  That one still plays out in my head and I start thinking I should go off meds to be "strong."  Not a good thing to say.  But I've also had people who were supportive about getting help (tried to encourage it even).  Of course I didn't do what was recommended and continued to get crazier so that one ended. 

It is tough.  I struggle with whether to tell anyone in my life because I don't know how they'll take it.  But if you're looking to be in the long haul with someone, they probably need to know eventually so that if you do start having problems, they'll understand why.  And if they can't handle it, that's not a good quality in a potential mate anyways.  You're better off with someone who can be supportive. 

[JoJoBBY924]

22 hours ago, sbdivemaster said:

Did he see you taking meds in the morning?  I'm not clear on how he knew, or was it just a guess?

I’m not sure if he saw me taking my night meds or my morning meds- He didn’t say and I didn’t ask because I didn’t want to reveal more about my meds than I had to, haha. He just said he saw me taking my meds and asked what they were and what they were for. 

27 minutes ago, quietly bonkers said:

I've had it go either way.  One thing someone said that has stuck with me, not in a good way, was "I don't know why you take meds I thought you were stronger than that."  As if resorting to medication was a sign of weakness.  That one still plays out in my head and I start thinking I should go off meds to be "strong."  Not a good thing to say.  But I've also had people who were supportive about getting help (tried to encourage it even).  Of course I didn't do what was recommended and continued to get crazier so that one ended. 

It is tough.  I struggle with whether to tell anyone in my life because I don't know how they'll take it.  But if you're looking to be in the long haul with someone, they probably need to know eventually so that if you do start having problems, they'll understand why.  And if they can't handle it, that's not a good quality in a potential mate anyways.  You're better off with someone who can be supportive. 

I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I can’t atand when people stigmatize us and call us weak for taking meds. If anything, it makes us stronger for having the courage to get the help that we need. I totally agree with you.

[JoJoBBY924]

3 hours ago, sbdivemaster said:

While it's not something that happened to me, it has to do with dating and meds.

Probably 20 years ago, maybe more, my mother was seeing a man for a few years.  I met him a couple of times (we live on opposite coasts) and he was a nice guy, affable.  Then, she suddenly wasn't seeing him anymore.  I really don't have the type of relationship with my mother where I would normally ask, but I inquired as to why she was no longer with him.  She replied something along the lines, "Oh, he takes pills for depression."  At the time, I thought it was really, really strange for my mother to be so intolerant.

Well, fast forward several years to my own fall into depression, mania, depression, mania...  my mother's words rang in my head as the quacks began pushing the meds.  That stigma, and the stigma in general, influenced my resistance to medication and kept me from getting the help I needed for a long time. 

I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I’m glad you are now getting the help that you need. It’s sad how people don’t realize the impact they have on someone when they belittle someone for taking their meds. People don’t act this way with diabetes meds, and to me there is no difference between treating mental illness and treating a physical illness like diabetes. Both are dangerous, debilitating conditions when left untreated. 

[JoJoBBY924]

12 hours ago, BrianOCD said:

I think every girl I've dated has told me right up front what's going on...Girls are way more upfront I've found, guys are the one who stay hidden as long as they can...

I've never dumped/stopped talking to a girl because of meds anyways...most people in our society are on something...

Thank you for your help in breaking the stigma!! We need more people like you, haha . You’re right, a lot of people are strong enough nowadays to get help and take some sort of medication.

[JoJoBBY924]

18 hours ago, kittyloaf said:

The last time I was dating I told him right away as I didn't want to get emotionally invested if he was going to run off when he eventually found out. I've been rejected for my illness before and it sucks. Hopefully he's just busy right now though.

It really does suck being rejected for an illness. I didn’t tell him my official diagnoses yet and am still kind of afraid to, but at least now he knows I take meds. Him and I are texting now. So we’ll see how things go, haha . 

[crtclms]

I always told guys by the 2nd date. Most of them wandered off, but a few stayed. My husband wasn't worried about my being bipolar at all. But he has epilepsy (uncontrolled at that point). I feel like that makes him more accepting.

[notloki]

2 dates is too soon to develop strong enough feelings to overlook a serious and potentially deadly illness. That you have scared most guys off is telling.

[Iceberg]

@notloki I feel like it has to be an individual thing...I'm not sure there is one right answer. On one hand I don't want to scare people away but on the other hand why waste all the effort forming a relationship if they won't be able to accept you anyway

[crtclms]

Notloki, I don't remember sneering and telling you when you should tell someone you use meds. You may be surprised to learn that you and I are two completely different people. Apparently, I scared off the right men, because I've been happily married for 18 years. So I think my method worked for me. Maybe you'll find one that works for you. But I expect it will be different than mine, because we are two completely different people.

But this is not the first time you've dismissed something I've personally experienced as untrue. I wish you wouldn't do that, but you clearly take pleasure in it, so I expect it will happen again.

[notloki]

17 hours ago, crtclms said:

Notloki, I don't remember sneering and telling you when you should tell someone you use meds. You may be surprised to learn that you and I are two completely different people. Apparently, I scared off the right men, because I've been happily married for 18 years. So I think my method worked for me. Maybe you'll find one that works for you. But I expect it will be different than mine, because we are two completely different people.

But this is not the first time you've dismissed something I've personally experienced as untrue. I wish you wouldn't do that, but you clearly take pleasure in it, so I expect it will happen again.

I don't remember sneering at you. I just had a different opinion than you. That happens here so get used to it. I found your post childish. 

[Ion]

I tend to talk about mental illness history fairly early on because my history of SH would be visible to a partner. I've only been in that situation 3 times and in all cases the relationship continued and that wasn't an issue. My spouse also has MI, but the previous 2 people I dated didn't. They were still able to have a reasonable conversation about it. I'm sure it can scare people off, but I don't think it will scare off the people that could really be a good fit

[Eilatan]

So I'm still seeing the new guy. Its been about a month and hes staying over regularly. Question for you all that told your successful relationship partner. ... how long into the relationship did you tell them? 

 

 

[saintalto]

1 minute ago, Eilatan said:

So I'm still seeing the new guy. Its been about a month and hes staying over regularly. Question for you all that told your successful relationship partner. ... how long into the relationship did you tell them? 

 

 

I told my husband pretty much immediately. He appreciates that I did because he always says when I get paranoid about him leaving me (common when I’m ill), that he knew what he was getting into from the start so there’s no reason he’d leave now. 

[Eilatan]

3 minutes ago, saintalto said:

I told my husband pretty much immediately. He appreciates that I did because he always says when I get paranoid about him leaving me (common when I’m ill), that he knew what he was getting into from the start so there’s no reason he’d leave now. 

You're so brave. I'm scared to trust him and yet I yearn to be honest and stop all this sneaking about with meds!  

 

Ps I'm really happy he is so supportive and you got married!!

Edited February 22, 2018 by Eilatan

[saintalto]

1 minute ago, Eilatan said:

You're so brave. I'm scared to trust him and yet I yearn to be honest and stop all this sneaking about with meds!  

I guess I just didn’t want to grow emotionally attached to someone who could very well reject me. I wanted it all out there at the start so I knew for certain whether the relationship would have a future or not. We’ve been married 12 years now.

[Eilatan]

16 minutes ago, saintalto said:

I guess I just didn’t want to grow emotionally attached to someone who could very well reject me. I wanted it all out there at the start so I knew for certain whether the relationship would have a future or not. We’ve been married 12 years now.

Wow congratulations! You give me hope!!! X x   

[SKC]

I haven't had experience in length of time in disclosing mental illness in regards to a relationship because I just got out of a long term one and haven't started looking yet. That being said, I am VERY open about my mental illness and the meds and therapy I use. I personally think that the stigma surrounding mental illness is partly due to the fact that people who suffer from, and medicate because of, it are secretive and act like it's something that's wrong. All of my friends, coworkers, managers, and family members know about mine. I try to be so open about it in the hopes that someone who may be suppressing their own issues might become a little more comfortable with considering treatment. 

[saintalto]

 

35 minutes ago, SKC said:

 I personally think that the stigma surrounding mental illness is partly due to the fact that people who suffer from, and medicate because of, it are secretive and act like it's something that's wrong. 

There is a reason we are secretive. I can understand telling a potential partner about it because I need to know if that relationship is ever going to be anything or if the person is going to bolt. But I have had very damaging experiences being very open about my mental health. At first I really was and it bit me in the ass. I found that family wasn’t particularly supportive. I found that friends I valued ran the other way, and I found that coworkers started distancing themselves from me. At University I found that even in graduate school, I faced poor treatment from my professors. I was told no one wanted to know I was ill or how it affected my work when I asked to write about its Influence. This is not on us.

[Eilatan]

I can see both sides. I agree in principle for being open and upfront but at the same time I fear rejection. I guess I should just trust my instincts and tell him when it feels right. 

[Ion]

20 hours ago, Eilatan said:

So I'm still seeing the new guy. Its been about a month and hes staying over regularly. Question for you all that told your successful relationship partner. ... how long into the relationship did you tell them? 

It's been a while and I have a terrible memory. I think with my (now) spouse I told him somewhere in the first month or two. We'd been friends for a few months before that, so the timeline might be different if you didn't know the person before you starting going on dates. I think that trusting your gut is a good idea. I find disclosing mental health info is scary every time, even with people I've known for a really long time.  If you feel comfortable discussing other personal topics with him then I'd consider the relationship at or near a good level to bring up mental health

[SKC]

19 hours ago, saintalto said:

 

There is a reason we are secretive. I can understand telling a potential partner about it because I need to know if that relationship is ever going to be anything or if the person is going to bolt. But I have had very damaging experiences being very open about my mental health. At first I really was and it bit me in the ass. I found that family wasn’t particularly supportive. I found that friends I valued ran the other way, and I found that coworkers started distancing themselves from me. At University I found that even in graduate school, I faced poor treatment from my professors. I was told no one wanted to know I was ill or how it affected my work when I asked to write about its Influence. This is not on us.

I'm really sorry you had to deal with and go thru all of that. It's really fucking sad that people react that way. I hope I didn't come across as being insensitive. I know everyone's situation is different.

[Savannah]

I haven't dated in 28 years since I got divorced.

when I have tried dating in the past I go into a rageful mania that is ugly. I have vowed never to put myself or anyone else through that again.