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my pdoc is considering a possible bpd dx for me.  he dx me bp2 in sept '05 (although it was something that i had suspected for years!).  we were discussing my si and my emotionally/psychologically abusive childhood.  i told him that i had lost time for most of my childhood.  my stepfather was the abuser.  i suspect inappropriate behavior from him (or someone), but can't remember anything.  it's just something that i have suspected for some time.  and i feel like i'm missing something.  my pdoc told me that the brain has a way of protecting us.  if if knows that a memory can be dangerous, it will not let it come to the surface until the mind is ready to deal with it.  i try not to dwell on it too much.  but it scares me.  i have this terror of being alone with any of the men in my family (uncles, etc) and this makes me more suspicious.

i don't know how to deal with these feelings.

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I am missing a lot of my childhood, as well.  I don't have any known history of sexual abuse... but my sister asked me something once that (to me) implied that something happened with a friend's older brother.  I don't remember, though, and I don't want to remember.  I emphatically do not think about it

It's a really scary thing... to not know your own past, on top of the trauma of the abuse itself. 

I own a really, REALLY good move called Searching for Angela Shelton.  It's a documentary made by a woman named Angela Shelton, who drove across the country to interview all the women she could find that had her name.  So she meets all these other Angela Sheltons and so many of them have histories of abuse, and she ends up confronting her dad, who was her abuser.  It's really, REALLY intense.  I've only watched it twice- and the first time I had to watch it alone.  I didn't want anyone else around.  But it's wonderful and real.  The woman is amazing. 

I think it's an important and good movie for any woman to watch, regardless of abuse history.  I seriously can't recommend it enough.  I gave it to my sister to watch, and a friend after I found out about her abuse history, and both of them agree with me.

Like I said- It's really intense.  I cried a lot and probably threw things, because that's my style.  But it was definitely catharsis.  Major catharsis.

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I also have issue with remembering much of my childhood... like the rest of you...

as karuna said, a diagnosis of BPD is not a death sentence.  Yes, it is true that there are many negative views about BPD today due to certain assuptions and such.  It does not mean that you are bad and i know that the diagnosis sounds a bit scary... what is most important, though, is the fact that the feelingings you have exist and that you take care of yourself. 

be well

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i know this is a different side of what u r talking about but my doctor has also told me that sometimes you dont remember because nothing did happen, and it is that nothing, or that loss/neglect that is causing the trauma.

in otherwords something that was ment to happen didnt and this can also cause drama and can explain symptoms of trauma in people who appear to be traumatised for no appparent reason.

just another reason why i am fucked up.

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  • 1 month later...
Guest southernbelle

Oops, my bad--you said maybe BPD.

Did I mention that those of us teetering on the border tend to be a bit impulsive??  :)

Well, welcome anyway!!  ;)

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