This seems most indicative of BPD, but pdocs tell me I don't meet major criteria for it. I have no previous symptoms of: SI, suicide attempts, impulsive behavior, no addictions or eating disorders, no delusions, black/wt thinking, no manias) I have held longer-term (2-5 year) romantic relationships.
Pdocs have thrown every med at me for 2 decades. Nothing is really making a lot of improvement. I have no adequate diagnosis, because I don't (completely) meet the formal criteria for any one disorder, but traits from many. I've been previous diagnosed with: Major Depression with dysthymia (with/without psychotic features) BP2, PTSD, GAD, BPD, ADD) I surely can't have all these disorders?!
Rapid-cycling emotions (erratic moods can shift every 1-3 hours, not usually just up & down)
Chronic (moderate) depression, frequent dysphoria, some anxious distress
Hypersensitivity to many things (including rejection)
Anhedonia (lack of motivation, pleasure in anything, not even sex)
Perfectionism (includes obsessiveness)
Paranoia (but not delusional, with insight)
Hypersomnia, chronic fatigue
Very low stress tolerance (has triggered dissociation)
Just an update based on my posts earlier during this year. I ultimately wound up remaining on the oral antipsychotic (Latuda 20mg) which I started taking after completing my 2nd probation term in this decade in January 2018 stemming from a January 2015 motor vehicle offense which ultimately slammed me with a 3rd degree felony (after already acquiring a misdemeanor for resisting arrest on foot in June 2012) related to having schizoaffective disorder and experiencing manic episodes and hallucinations. I was previously diagnosed with Bipolar 1 With Psychotic Features after the 1st incident I was involved in back in June 2012.
My main issue the entire time I was serving both probation terms was that I was always court ordered by a judge to continue taking the antipsychotics by injection and to continue my psychological treatment. My primary concerns with the antipsychotic medication was always having intolerable akathisia (inability to sit still), tremendous amounts of weight gain (My height is 5'8 with a small to medium frame and my weight maxed out in January 2018 at almost 310lb after being around 155lb until after June 2012, severe gynecomastia (recently won Risperdal / Invega class-action lawsuit), anxiety, depression, and disorganized speech (currently seeing a speech pathologist to suppress language disorder).
Following the completion of my 2nd probation term, I was initially placed on Latuda 40mg taken with food at night and then tested out Fanapt 6mg. I was still experiencing most of the side-effects and was still outright desperate to eliminate all of the symptoms I just mentioned. By the beginning of March 2018, I did ultimately try consulting with my psychiatrist about switching to a mood-stabilizer as monotherapy acting in place of an antipsychotic and accepted the risk that if I actually suffer from schizoaffective disorder and it wasn't Bipolar 1 With Psychotic Features that I would probably relapse and hallucinate again and I was even in agreement to keep a bottle of antipsychotics as a PRN and to just eat them like crazy if anything happened.
I discussed everything with him (I never considered him to be a control freak) and he said that he would eventually be willing to try my suggestion but asked me if I had any other idea in mind that involved remaining on an antipsychotic for slightly longer. I suggested to him that I'd be willing to try taking the Latuda at 20mg instead of 40mg before switching to a completely different class of drugs.
In retrospect, I'm not even completely certain if any of the oral antipsychotics including the higher dosage of Latuda or Fanapt were even that badly tolerated.. Now, I'm not condemning an entire class of drugs because I now support some of the low-dose oral antipsychotics for myself but I ultimately think that my former overall disgust and intolerance for the antipsychotics was because I was only ever taking them when I was either locked up in county jail and the overall quality of the drugs was really bad and primarily because the only time I was ever actually taking them was when I was taking court-ordered injections. That basically explains why my experience with the mental health system always sucked up to that point.
I'm not trying to speak to highly of myself here but my psychiatrist has always said that he considers me to be one of his higher functioning patients, therefore the reason why he thinks I was always so vocal about all the underlying side effects from the injections and was more sensitive to them than the majority of his patients, even at 260, 280 or 310 pounds, my weight was never really a factor for me in terms of reacting to the meds with less sensitivity.
It simply didn't matter what injection he would put me on. I was on so many of them including Invega, Aristada, and Invega and they always caused more damage than they did anything positive for me. I always felt like the compromises I had to make to not hallucinate and remain out of legal trouble were simply too much to take. The slow-release form of the injections was always too intense for me but I was honestly being completely forthright when I admitted that I didn't want another episode involving the boys in blue to occur ever again.
At the time of my last post, my dosage was already reduced to 20mg and I was still complaining on a regular basis about everything I was still feeling but it wasn't until the end of March when the restless / walking on hot sand feeling finally began to subside. My overall appetite decreased enough to where I lost over 50 pounds by the beginning of the summer (since then the weight loss has stopped at around 260lb unfortunately but I have remained generally stable in terms of my weight). I won a class-action lawsuit against Risperdal / Invega in February and my weight became low enough where my plastic surgeon agreed to perform male-breast reduction surgery on me after denying me previously because I became so overweight / obese after I was released from county jail and the results were very successful without needing revision surgery thus far.
My speech disorder did improve a little but unfortunately wasn't completely going away by the end of the summer. I still felt like I had something like aphasia where I couldn't think of common words or name common objects and the words wouldn't return to my mind until 10 or 20 minutes after the conversation took place. The speech pathologist I eventually saw for this referred me to the audiology department at my local hospital for Central Auditory Processing Testing and it was revealed that I do in fact have a language decoding disorder (my intuition was right all along) which is certainly aggravated by having schizoaffective disorder and maybe even still by the medication.
I only become somewhat anxiety-ridden and become depressed right after I take the medication with some food, therefore I normally take it right before I go to sleep. By the time I wake up, I am no longer experiencing the anxiety and paranoia but I never become psychotic.
Still, the most important thing is that I'm no longer experiencing any of that indescribable akathisia and thank god the weight gain reversed before I hit 350 and I no longer have to walk around with female-like breasts anymore.
This is easily the most balanced I've felt since I developed the mental illness in the beginning of this decade. I'm not a morbidly obese zombie with female-like breasts pacing all day and night with akathisia but I'm also not hallucinating and running away from the local police department during a welfare check or speeding from the state troopers on major highways either. The delusions are still there at certain times except mild enough where I just laugh them off most of the time and don't believe the majority my own deception.
Had a tiny fight with my psychiatrist, he seems to be dobuting my diagnosis. In the hospital they tried to say i was bpd with bipolar, but my psychologist says i cant be bpd and even my psychiatrist used to think im not. I dont have any bpd traits other than emotional inestability. Anyways im mad bc people dobut my psychotic symptoms he thinks is just something from my imagination or something "typical" from me. Im mad bc the new medication is not working and now i have panic attacks i didnt had before. The hospital kinda helped kinda made things worse. I feel like my doctor has left me behind, he doesnt care anymore, if he had answered or seen me 15days before when i asked, before i had my big crisis i wouldnt had ended in hospital. Im scheduling an appointment with a new doctor. But i feel so lost, so sad, like no one can help me, not even doctors. Its not fair. This illness is destroying my life. Has anyone ever had this kind of problems with doctors? Have you had a moment where medication made things worse?
By The one lurking behind you
Long time no post and I wanted to pop in and get chatting about something that's recently cropped up for me and got me thinking about things. So I'll cut to the chase. I've recently been enrolled in some group therapy after a few years of no meds/therapy/contact with mental health services. After the group I had a chat with the therapist running it and explained about the intense mood changes I'd been having etc. Anyway, she put me in touch with someone who gave me a phone assessment and the questions asked seemed to be the checklist for Borderline. She then said, "ah yes it sounds like Emotional Intensity". This is something I've never heard before in this context. I've heard of emotions being intense or emotional intensity as a symptom but she seemed to use it as a diagnostic term.
I did some googling and discovered that Boderline is starting to be "rebranded" as EmOtional Intensity (here's one of the articles I found http://www.awp.nhs.uk/news-publications/trust-news/2016/march/raising-awareness-of-emotional-intensity-disorder/ )
I wondered, have you ever heard of this Emotional Intensity term being used and what are your thoughts on it?
My fiance has been losing weight recently. He's down 20 lbs and is like 228 lbs now. I've gained weight, but it was also that time of the month. I kinda go after chubby dudes as is, and always worry if they weigh less than me I become unnattractive. His affection towards me hasn't really gone down, it's stayed the same really. I tell him my concerns of me gaining while he's losing, and he says he'll love me no matter what. And that he also doesn't want me skinnier, he just wants me to be happy. But, at the same time he thinks my best friend is too big, [she's considered a SSBBW i'm a BBW if anyone knows what those mean...] but he said the difference too is that if I got as big as her he loves me, not her. I just worry his eyes may start to wander to other girls who aren't as big, although he does prefer curvier women, and I do actually have curves, i'm just a bit chunky. I've got a big bust, wide hips, and a big lower half, plus an hourglass figure, but a bit of a tummy.... And lately I've been more anxious as well about losing him to the point of nightmares, although it seems that they're symbolizing to not worry and to trust him [I die in them, and regret leaving things "left unsaid" with him basically.] Also a gentle reminder, this is my first longest relationship [been almost 2 years now coming this fall, been engaged for a full year now, too as of june.], first engagement, and hopeful marriage in the next few years. He's been married twice. I'm hoping to get us in for a premarital counseling appt cause we've not been in awhile this coming week, also.
I feel like I've just put him on this pedastal of perfect cause let's face it he IS WAY better than anyone else I've been with putting up with my anxiety attacks, insecurities, etc etc etc, and it's like I'm waiting for something bad to happen and I hate that I'm like that. And he tells me to stop thinking he's perfect too, cause he ain't but he is to me...