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Am I Naturally Stupid?


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I have a LONG history (well, I'm only 27) of going through jobs, real career jobs, each one lasting less than a year. I feel incompetent and stupid. I put extra effort into everything I do and feel like it takes me longer to finish a task than it takes someone else.

I'm in IT, so this is crucial.

I take Lamictal and Wellbutrin now. I can see that in the past, while medicated on various Atypicals or unmedicated that I could have had brain issues, but I really can't blame it on the drugs now. Should I face it? Am I just stupid? Really, be honest.

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I have a LONG history (well, I'm only 27) of going through jobs, real career jobs, each one lasting less than a year. I feel incompetent and stupid. I put extra effort into everything I do and feel like it takes me longer to finish a task than it takes someone else.

I'm in IT, so this is crucial.

I take Lamictal and Wellbutrin now. I can see that in the past, while medicated on various Atypicals or unmedicated that I could have had brain issues, but I really can't blame it on the drugs now. Should I face it? Am I just stupid? Really, be honest.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You can't be stupid because those jobs are hard to get. How do you know it takes you longer than someone else? And how do you know that you're not doing it more thoughtfully and carefully than someone else? Sometimes the perfectionism can work to your advantage until you start judging yourself.

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I have a LONG history (well, I'm only 27) of going through jobs, real career jobs, each one lasting less than a year. I feel incompetent and stupid. I put extra effort into everything I do and feel like it takes me longer to finish a task than it takes someone else.

I'm in IT, so this is crucial.

I take Lamictal and Wellbutrin now. I can see that in the past, while medicated on various Atypicals or unmedicated that I could have had brain issues, but I really can't blame it on the drugs now. Should I face it? Am I just stupid? Really, be honest.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I have a similar job history and I'm only 25.  I just screw everything up.  If I haven't screwed it up, I've taken too long to do it.  I know Im not stupid (I'm sure youre not either) but I just cant keep it together. 

Right now I dont work, and havent for 3 years.  I just got to where I am terrified of getting another job and screwing something else up.  Ive filled out applications and gotten interviews but never show up.  Thank goodness I have my husband to support me.

Youre not stupid.  And youre not alone.

Steph

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I take Lamictal and Wellbutrin now. I can see that in the past, while medicated on various Atypicals or unmedicated that I could have had brain issues, but I really can't blame it on the drugs now. Should I face it? Am I just stupid? Really, be honest.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Before you call yourself stupid, think about a couple of things:

Stability is really a long term quality. You can't know what you are working with for a baseline until you have been nice and stable for a few months [in my opinion. everyone's got one].

Stress, both physical and mental will shake you up. It can take a while for your body to get balanced out and for your sleeping to get sorted out, to get back to a regular schedule, for you to 'catch up'. Even if you think you already have. And these are all things that we always think of.

When I think to myself that I have become immensly stupid and I must have been dribbling half of my brain out of my ears at some point, I remember that brains are actually really complex.  It can take them a long time to get back to fully functional capacity. I think about how long it takes to shake a rough week of insomnia, and then if you compare that to a month of depression, or a couple months of instability, several years of improper medication or NO medication...

I look at how much better I am doing now compared to when I first joined CT, and when I smacked my head around.

I get pissed and frustrated. Then i realize that if I had to untangle a knot that was as complicated as my brain, it might take a while.  And I am making improvements, even when I slide back.

And having the pattern with jobs/employment that your describe is actually really familiar.

But- I'm not stupid. The things I accomplished in the first place mean that I am smart. It's the follow through that is an issue- but that is fairly typical of BP. Over time, this improves with other symptoms. It takes time to learn/relearn.

It doesn't mean you are stupid and it doesn't need to last forever.

It sounds like you have been giving yourself a hard time lately though.

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Another with a similar story.  I know that I am probably more intelligent than the vast majority of the population (not really that difficult), but I can't function in the normal world.  Maybe if I found the right med combo and managed to be stable for awhile, I could handle all the shit of a normal life, but right now, not so much.  I spent three years getting my associates degrees in IT stuff and I managed to hold a job for all of a year and a couple of months.  If it helps, you aren't the only one.

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Loon, haven't you only been on this combination for a fairly short time?  I found I was very forgetful and kinda spacey until I'd hit a level dose of lamictal for a few months. 

Another thing is that feeling stoopid is a characteristic of my general anxiety and low self esteem.  Heck, I've been in the same job for a few years and regularly get praise from my boss about how I work hard and am willing to learn new stuff.  He recognizes that in our profession you simply have to make mistakes in order to figure stuff out.  And still, every time I get caught on the internet or lose a case I'm convinced that they're going to figure out how dumb and useless I am and fire me.

And if you've cycled through a lot of jobs as a result of being unstable you've always been trying to learn something new and adjust to a new place.  This can definitely affect how you feel because you never get into a groove and get comfortable with people.

But now that you're more stable I'm guessing you'll be able to stick with something and work through problems.  It'll take a while for you to get your confidence back.  You might be like me and occasionally feel quite useless, but even if you are, you'll go through long periods of feeling more useful and functional than you ever have.

It's a long adjustment.  Stick in there.  You're extremely bright and you'll find your niche, probably sooner rather than later.

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Have you ever thought about AD(H)D? Just a thought that popped up. But don't take me too seriously.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Actually, I've suspected it before. I jump around and can't keep thoughts straight. I think it is hard to figure out what is BP and what is AD(H)D.

I've talked to my pdoc about it and she doesn't think so, but hey, they can't figure out what kind of anxiety disorder(s) I have, so who says They are the experts on this issue? ;)

Today my boss told me that I need to take notes more so I don't have to reask the same questions. Then he told me to ask more questions.

This makes me feel stupid!

You guys are right that there is a lot to say about being stable, having the right meds, and letting comfort sink in before feeling stupid. I guess I'm at the point where I am so afraid of failing again that I'm looking in the mirror and blaming myself.

NARS- I've been on Lamictal for over a year and I've taken Wellbutrin in the past, and it has been reintroduced in the last month. Paxil was discontinued. Paxil may be reintroduced if my anxiety levels do not go down, because I'm starting to feel a physical addiction to Klonopin!

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I'm a bloody idiot, and that's probably mostly due to my ADD (inattentive type).  This is bad combined with my chef (fire!!!!!!!!!!!) aspirations.

And it's really bad with my current career as a bench scientist.  It isn't tolerated well to forget things... it can even get you fired (if your supervisor has a certain amount of sand in a bodily orifice of his/hers).

This isn't unusual.  Whethere you're 'M'I or not.  And for me (between the big Z's intolerable akasthisia and my 'differently-wired' mind's acting ADD), it's led to a crapload of job instability!

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