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Fluent In Silence

Why does no-one love me? Oh yeah, I'm an arsehole.

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I imagine that most people, when meeting someone new, must think that the other person should like them. I've always thought more along the lines of "Don't let them get to know you well enough to hate you!" I don't like myself so why would anyone else? Better to be alone than suffer the pain of rejection. Except that it's shit being alone. It's shit that any good thoughts or feelings have nowhere to go because you're alone. It's shit that nothing seems worthwhile because you'll be doing it alone. It's shit that you can't remember the last time you touched another human being, and I'm not even talking about sex - just a simple hug or holding someone's hand. I'm not at all sociable or extroverted. I've sometimes thought that being a lighthouse keeper on some deserted rock would be my ideal job. But "Don't you want somebody to love? Don't you need somebody to love? Wouldn't you love somebody to love? You better find somebody to love." Yes! I'd love someone to love. Somebody save me from myself and my shitty thoughts!

But then there's the old Groucho Marx quote about not wanting to belong to a club which will have someone like me as a member. You love me? Why? What's wrong with you? It's probably all bullshit. I've met other people who despise themselves - people who'd rather punch themselves in the face than accidentally step on your toes. Lovely, compassionate, fragile people who deserve to think better of themselves than they do. But I'm not like them, oh no, I deserve it, for some reason that I'm not sure of. Always easier to feel sympathy for others than for yourself.

Maybe I'm a nice and reasonably intelligent person. I don't deliberately try to hurt other people and I haven't killed anyone, today (Just joking. I beat a mime artist to death today by miming hitting him with a baseball bat). Oh I don't know. I'm hopefully not racist, homophobic or misogynistic, though I'm probably doing it wrong like I've always done everything wrong. Oh shut up! What was the point of this post again? I have no idea at this point. I really need a girlfriend.
 

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Do you want friendships or a relationship? Sometimes your answer might be "neither one". What about group support, possibly one for MI but another one more socially based, perhaps a church group that goes out for coffee. Anyway, you have to think long and hard and choose wisely. Many of us have our "friends" online. I am one of them. I am socially awkward. Ask yourself what you really want . . . . .start small if you need to. Who knows, you might meet a friend and it turns into a relationship. 

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On 01/04/2018 at 9:41 PM, hopelessromantic said:

Do you want friendships or a relationship? Sometimes your answer might be "neither one". What about group support, possibly one for MI but another one more socially based, perhaps a church group that goes out for coffee. Anyway, you have to think long and hard and choose wisely. Many of us have our "friends" online. I am one of them. I am socially awkward. Ask yourself what you really want . . . . .start small if you need to. Who knows, you might meet a friend and it turns into a relationship. 

I think I want friendships and a relationship, although sometimes I think I want to build a bunker in the garden so I can escape from the world. So I guess you could say I'm a little ambivalent about relationships. But I'm not as bad as I used to be. I do go to a support group and they all seem nice and friendly, so I might be able to feel like I belong there in about 5 years or so. My thoughts are rubbish, and I know that, but that doesn't mean that I can ignore them. No-one loves you, everyone hates you blah blah blah. But some people don't hate me, and that can make me feel a lot better and also incredibly anxious. What if they get to know the real me? I guess that at the heart of social anxiety is the thought that you aren't good enough, and you don't want to let anyone get close enough to realise that awful truth. It's probably bullshit but I obviously haven't managed to kick this thought.

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