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i want to self medicate. my meds arent working i know this and so does my doctor, we have tried changing them numerous times and now he has sent me to CBT which does nothing because i have zero impulse control when my emotions take hold. how can that talk crap work when i cant concentrate or care.

problem is no one will give me any drugs. everyone i know who uses any kind of drugs knows that i am messed up or as they like to say "mentally ill" so no one will give me anything. i want speed so i can lose all the weight i have put on from the legal drugs and i want pot so i can laugh, relax and sleep. but all i can get my hands on is crappy alcohol which because of my meds makes me curl up in a ball with incredible stomach pains from one glass.

why wont someone do me a favour and put me out of my misery?

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i want to self medicate. my meds arent working i know this and so does my doctor, we have tried changing them numerous times and now he has sent me to CBT which does nothing because i have zero impulse control when my emotions take hold. how can that talk crap work when i cant concentrate or care.

problem is no one will give me any drugs. everyone i know who uses any kind of drugs knows that i am messed up or as they like to say "mentally ill" so no one will give me anything. i want speed so i can lose all the weight i have put on from the legal drugs and i want pot so i can laugh, relax and sleep. but all i can get my hands on is crappy alcohol which because of my meds makes me curl up in a ball with incredible stomach pains from one glass.

why wont someone do me a favour and put me out of my misery?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Maybe you should ask for some med changes...there's got to be some combination out there for you.  I self medicate with alcohol, I screwed up my 13 day sober streak last weekend, but I need to fucking quit fucking it up because it's really really destructive....

;)   :)

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i want to self medicate. my meds arent working i know this and so does my doctor, we have tried changing them numerous times and now he has sent me to CBT which does nothing because i have zero impulse control when my emotions take hold. how can that talk crap work when i cant concentrate or care.

problem is no one will give me any drugs. everyone i know who uses any kind of drugs knows that i am messed up or as they like to say "mentally ill" so no one will give me anything. i want speed so i can lose all the weight i have put on from the legal drugs and i want pot so i can laugh, relax and sleep. but all i can get my hands on is crappy alcohol which because of my meds makes me curl up in a ball with incredible stomach pains from one glass.

why wont someone do me a favour and put me out of my misery?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

it really is in your best interest not to do those things... take it from someone who knows from first hand experience....

can you discuss some med changes with your doctor?  i know that it is sometimes difficult, but it is worth a try....

be good to yourself

<3

Ophelia

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Of course I understand that you want to escape from the hell you're in, but of course the fact is (and yes, I know it's hard to remember/care, and I kmow it sounds like an empty platitude) that at best, any of those drugs will give you temporary (if any, really, but I'll get to that) relief.  And even though the promise of relief makes it easy to want to dive right in, in time (with most drugs anway) relief gets less the nasty shit gets worse, and it gets exponentially more expensive.  Hell of a deal, that.

Now, of course, the relief only comes if the drugs *work*.  Naturally, this changes from person to person (and you probably already know, for yourself) but it can also change for either varied or no apparent reason at all.  The substance that makes you high one day, makes you psychotic the next.  For instance, I used to drink maybe half a liter of vodka and pop 5-10 benadryl to go to sleep when I was manic.  While this sort of combo could easily send a (ahem) 'normal' person to the ER, it just made me into, well, a demon, more or less.  Pot, codeine and hydrocodone (generic vicodin, essentially) have NO effects on me.  And beer... makes me hungry.

Go figure.

At any rate, I think it's for the best you can't go get all fucked up; the best course, I feel, is to keep working on the meds.  With luck, you'll hit the right combo soon.  I REALLY hope you do!

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thanks for your replies i am just so frustrated with the whole experience at the moment.

not only are my meds not working but i have the flu which means i am in a hell bad mood and all i want is some temporary relief!!

i know what i should do but its just so much easier to crave the quick fix!

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First of all, I'm not judging you at all. I know how it feels, really.

I used pot for a long time to make me feel better. It did work. But it has also screwed up things for me. I dropped out of school twice because I was too lazy. That amotivational syndrome is NOT a myth. Now I have hallucinations, that I think might be caused by the big amounts of pot since I have no family history like that.

I've also done other things, which I won't discuss here, which screwed up my life even more.

I'm pretty sure the drugs speeded up my BP and made it worse than it could have been. BP runs in my family, so I'm sure it's not caused by drugs, but I'm almost sure it speeded up the process.

So, I know this is the biggest cliche EVER. But really, it's true. As much as you want a quick solution, it is really not a solution. Just like cutting, which is also an addiction. It helps a while. Then you have to do more and deeper for it to help. And ooops, it controls your life.

Hope you feel better soon and that the meds start working! It can take a while of trial and error but it's worth it in the end. I promise.

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If impulse control is a major issue for you and you're not BP (although the complaint about weight gain from the rx drugs you've been on leads me to believe that you might be, as that's a pretty big issue with a lot of the ACs and APs), I would highly reccomend Wellbutrin.  It works like a dream for impulse control (although it does almost nothing for my depression or motivation, sigh).  I am a smoker, and I find it soooooo much easier to resist my cravings.  And not just for fags.  It helps with food (I can be a serious binge eater when I'm depressed), pot (I used to smoke 7-8 times a day before I started on the WB, now it's maybe once or twice a month), and opiods (although being on the clonazepam generally scares me away from anything that could cause respiratory failure).  I also am much more of a pot person than an alcohol person too.  I know this doesn't address the desire for substances to deal with depression (which has been a problem for me lately), but it could help with the sort of self-destructive behaviors that are embodied in "recreational" drug use. Just a helpful hint.

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Sorry to jump on the Nancy Reagan bandwagon, but I agree that self medicating is a bad idea.  In my last bout of insanity I smoked pot and drank a bunch and it fucked me up even more.  It's a vicious cycle.  You feel better for a bit when you are high/drunk, but then you feel worse afterwards.  That leads you to drink/smoke more and THAT leads you to feel worse more.  With me, the more I smoke/drink the effect changes.  At first it will be a relief, then it will make me pretty dang psychotic. 

For me what stopped the cycle was the meds plus stopping the usage.  The drinking was easy to kick, when I started Lamictal again I would get all dysphoric and crazy after a few drinks and end up not sleeping.  The pot was harder, but when I looked back at the crazy things I did when I was high it made sense.  For me, all the craziest times in my life coincided with my drug usage.  I think the insanity came first, but I just fueled it on by self-medicating. 

Think about it - do you want to get worse? 

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I know how you feel.  Sometimes I wonder if the prescriptions are really working any better than street drugs.  In fact, I often think back to the good old days and wonder if I was this crazy when I was on "this" or "that".

The responsible side of me says it's time for a tweak in your current meds (and mine too).  Best of luck.

Dee

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thanks for all your advice i know i need to stick with my current meds, get active, start exercising, eat right, get out of the house and do things.

BUT there is that part of me that just wants to go out on the weekend do drugs, dance away, drink away and sleep away my life.

i know that the first way is the best way the healthy way the right way but i guess in a way im hanging out making the wrong choices, hanging out with the wrong people and forcing myself to stay unwell for some sick and twisted reason.

i got to break this cycle of negative harmful behaviours. its like i have replaced my cutting and burning with this if that makes sense.

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...i got to break this cycle of negative harmful behaviours. its like i have replaced my cutting and burning with this if that makes sense.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

It completely makes sense, I think a lot of people have been there, myself included.  Both types of activites are extremely harmful and can cause pain, and are a way of not feeling your emotions. 

The meds made all the difference for me this go 'round.  It was like a click in my head that made it OK for me not to want to drink or smoke pot.  Or maybe it was a combo of meds and the reality of going inpatient for a week that jolted me back to reality and dried me out.  Who the hell knows. 

Hang in there and try to resist as much as you can without going completely mad.  We'll all be here for you.

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thanks for all your advice i know i need to stick with my current meds, get active, start exercising, eat right, get out of the house and do things.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Just remember, one step at a time. Don't let yourself be overwhelmed. I think the meds and getting out of the house are the most important things you can do right now.

Do you like your pdoc you are seeing right now?

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i know that the first way is the best way the healthy way the right way but i guess in a way im hanging out making the wrong choices, hanging out with the wrong people and forcing myself to stay unwell for some sick and twisted reason.

You're not "forcing" yourself to stay unwell-- it's just (my opinion) that you're so used to that, that lifestyle, that "call" (and believe me, i know it!), that it's nigh-irresistible.  Learning to live a new way, without the partying and whatnot, is... difficult.  I only managed because A: my friends all disappeared and B: I no longer had the cash to go out and rabble-rouse.

Basically, it's a learned behaviour (though I wouldn't say that about drugs or drinking; that's rather different) and, like it took time to learn it, it'll take time to UNlearn.  It's always toughest at the start, but as you replace the unwanted behaviors (partying and whatnot) with healthier behaviors (hanging out at the library and helping old grannies with their...er, nevermind) it'll get easier.

Really.  It will.  I mean, look at me--I don't do a DAMN thing outside the house anymore!

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I'd never heard it called amotivational syndrome before...But it definitely hits the nail on the head. It's certainly not a myth. Especially if you smoke enough weed. :/

For the hallucinations, it could be you got some weed laced with PCP, that's really common in the US, and PCP can definitely cause hallucinatory flashbacks.

Iona: I know exactly how you feel, I'm unmedicated now (It shows. Even in posts, heh.) except for a sleeping pill I can't remember the name of.

Never has the desire been stronger to go out and find large quantities of drugs.

You're not forcing yourself to be unwell, it's just a weird coping mechanism that happens to not work, or at least not work in the long term.

If you've got a friend or two that can work out with you, that'll help motivate you immensely. Especially if you eat after you work out, and all make sure you eat something that's healthy. That'll take care of two of four, plus the social interaction in a non-party form will help you deal with the isolationism a bit.

You can do it! Be strong girl! *raises a fist* Fight the power!

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my p-doc is really good i really like him and i know i need to talk to him in my next visit about this desire to self medication desire of mine.

but this week i have been good i have been eating well, but unfortunatly i have had the flu so i havent been able to exercise. but like u said one step at a time i guess. i cant expect to change over night i keep telling myself. it wont all just go away that easy.

my goal the next two days is to make it through the weekend with out drinking and partying.

its hard cause it is like cutting off some of my friends as well. i know if they are realy friends they will understand but i dont have many friends to lose. but i guess my health is most important. i got to keep telling myself that!

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its hard cause it is like cutting off some of my friends as well. i know if they are realy friends they will understand but i dont have many friends to lose. but i guess my health is most important. i got to keep telling myself that!

Unfortunately I have done that a few times now.  You get into a drinking/drugging "crowd" and then whe you aren't using you find you may not have that much in common with the people.  Or that you can't be around the substance.  Sucks when it is touch to scrounge up friends in the first place.  I will go to bars every now and then with some friends, and depending on my mood and the atmosphere, I will either have not and not notice that I am not drinking, or I will be bored and uncomfortable.  Sucks.  And I am not into the AA thing, where my tdoc and pdoc suggest I go to meet sober people.  I'm sorry if I offend anyone, but most of the people there just freak me out. 

I have also found that my stress level is higher when I'm not using.  I feel like my whole body is tense.  I know that exercise really helps this, I just need to get my butt to a gym...

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Not being around the substances is definitely the best thing. Right now I'm thinking I need to give up drinking because due to circumstances I am going to be around various things for probably most of this year if not longer, and my weed habit is out of control. Two hours ago I wouldn't have touched the stuff and now after 3 small bottles of beer I am going to grab some smoke from my brother's stash... sad but I can only delay it - no point rationalising when it's been such a fucked up, unproductive weird-ass week anyway. My parents are away, brother is at work, I've had a little to drink and I'm going to weird myself out one more time. Why? I don't know. Just I know the best thing would be to be away from it. I still have friends of mine that do that stuff but I don't see them so much any more - it was a natural process from me, despite carrying on smoking, just not liking being around dedicated stoners anymore because I see myself as one despite my habit - maybe I'm being hypocritical. It might be harder for you letting go of people whom you regard as good friends quite apart from the shared drug habits.

all that stuff about cannabis is not a myth - amotivational syndrome, paranoia, hallucinations etc.- it can all happen. Some people handle it, some don't, some just get by and could do without it.

While I don't think it's my fault entirely I do this stuff - It's just always around - I know that stopping drinking would stop everything. But stopping drinking would be hard and it's not going to happen any time soon.

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i got to break this cycle of negative harmful behaviours. its like i have replaced my cutting and burning with this if that makes sense.

it makes perfect sense. 

you've replaced one "maladaptive coping mechanism" with another.  hopefully soon in CBT or something you'll find less harmful ways of coping with pain.

when i feel the need to revert to a bad behavior, i do the following

1. Make a list of the pros and cons of tolerating the distress.  Make anther list of the pros and cons of not tolerating the distress

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  • 1 year later...

i want to self medicate. my meds arent working i know this and so does my doctor, we have tried changing them numerous times and now he has sent me to CBT which does nothing because i have zero impulse control when my emotions take hold. how can that talk crap work when i cant concentrate or care.

problem is no one will give me any drugs. everyone i know who uses any kind of drugs knows that i am messed up or as they like to say "mentally ill" so no one will give me anything. i want speed so i can lose all the weight i have put on from the legal drugs and i want pot so i can laugh, relax and sleep. but all i can get my hands on is crappy alcohol which because of my meds makes me curl up in a ball with incredible stomach pains from one glass.

why wont someone do me a favour and put me out of my misery?

I know you don't know me seeing as how I'm new here, but I will say the stereotypical thing here...God I know how you feel. That being said, I have something further to add...of all the illegal drugs out there speed is the last thing you need. I spent 2 years of my life doing meth morning, noon, and night. And by the end of my love affair with it, I was doing a little over an 8 ball a day by myself. I did lose a crap load of weight, but not only did I not look horrible, I did serious damage to my liver and my heart valves, not to mention the money I've been out on dental work b/c of the damage to my teeth. By the time I quit doing it, I was going 5 days or more with no sleep, was having visual and auditory hallucinations, and damn near came close to getting busted by the cops. Now that I've been off of it for almost two years, I still have constant cravings for it which really sucks. When I started doing it I was trying to self medicate as well since none of the other countless antidepressants I had tried over a 15 year span worked not to mention all the other drugs I've done since I was 12. But when it comes down to it, it wasn't worth the lasting mental, emotional, and health effects. By the way, sorry if this sounded to preachy, just thought I'd give my 2 cents worth. Best of luck to you. I hope that everything works out.

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