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Depressed, isolated bc everybody has kids

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Anyone here around the age of 40 and feeling totally isolated because everyone else your age has kids/families? My 20's were so different - you have college, parties, going out, other singles at work to meet and it's still considered OK to live with your parents. Your 30's are a time where you still have opportunities to go out, meet new people, socialize in groups, but people begin to disperse... All of the sudden, when I hit about 37, i looked around and realized all of my friends were having the 2nd kid and they stopped going anywhere (away from their home or mommy groups). They moved far away in the suburbs and stopped replying to any of my emails.

Does anyone here often worry about being old and alone? Parents getting old & having health issues. Your own declining health and no one around to check on you..to call or see you to make sure you are alive? Even though we spend alot of time at work, often people don't really socialize about anything personal, and then everyone goes home to families....I am starting to panic because my parents are both beginning to have severe health issues. I am very emotionally attached to them (they are the only people I have that really understand me, love me and try to help me right now) My parents are all I have.

Who do you talk to other than your spouse? or maybe coworkers? I'm feeling increasingly isolated because everyone I know/meet over the age of 35 is having babies or adding to their tight family unit. And women with families & young kids do not socialize or spend time with people that do not have kids. It's like the "Haves" versus the "Have Nots"  I guess I wouldn't care so much if I had a great career or engaging hobbies that I loved. I feel like more than anything I want a few people in my life (in real life) that really know me, understand me and can provide emotional support, maybe some genuine interaction and laughter once in awhile. Who do you have to count on?

I can't seem to generate my own happiness for the life of me. Maybe I'm too needy?

Edited by Blahblah

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I'm not planning kids and all my friends are already onto their second, I'm only 31 but I guess in my country we start younger! I hear what you are saying, it is really scary. I also worry a lot about my parents, I'll be so sad to lose them, I love them both so much. It really sucks. All I can do is enjoy the time I have with them now and try notto dwell on that day.  Every decade has its own crisis, I thought after the teenage years were over it would be clear sailing!

Is there something you can do to meet people who have interests other than their offspring? To make new connections? I know the older you get the harder it is, but there are always people who for one reason or another are looking for new connections, maybe they are recently divorced, they just moved, they switched jobs and left all their friends in the old one,  they have grown apart from their friends, their friends are baby-obsessed etc.

Let's see.. a night course in something where you have to talk to the other people, like counselling, a language etc.
A book club
A group that shares buses and goes out places to draw, or paint, or hike, or hill walk
A skeptic group (they meet and basically talk about why they think horoscopes are silly for an hour... ha ha!)
A humanist group if you're atheist or a church / religious group if you're religious
Even group therapy might be great, has anyone here made friends in group?.. I haven't done official group therapy but I'm in something similar now and I am finding when you share intimate information you bond really quickly... I can imagine cults manipulate that.. I'm not in a cult! I can imagine myself becoming completely addicted to group therapy in the future, it's that or join a cult.
Volunteering in something that involves working with other people and talking to them (this is most volunteer work, but not all :D )

I like kids, most of my babied friends live in other cities (I've moved around a lot) but I like kids so babysitting would be a way I could have a part in their lives once the kids got older. So that could be an option if you like kids. Once the kids are older they will want breaks too,  friends could come over for DVD nights to your house as a nice child free safe-haven! No jelly on the remote!
If you like animals, pets can really really help with the feeling of loneliness too.


Anyway, maybe all my ideas were useless but I hope you find what you are looking for.

Edited by Antecedent

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have you thought of maybe making friends with older people? I’m not talking seniors, just maybe folks who are done or nearly done raising their kids. Most of my casual friends are empty nesters, and ten years older than myself, but that doesn’t make them less interesting. Hell, if anything, adults at that time of life usually are more open to new experiences, relationships, hobbies, etc, and want to have fun now that their kids are grown/gone. 

I do know it’s hard actually making friends though, it’s something I suck at. No real advice on that. Maybe a local arts center has classes that might spark your interest, and an opportunity to meet new people? 

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On 3/27/2018 at 1:47 PM, Blahblah said:

Anyone here around the age of 40 and feeling totally isolated because everyone else your age has kids/families? My 20's were so different - you have college, parties, going out, other singles at work to meet and it's still considered OK to live with your parents. Your 30's are a time where you still have opportunities to go out, meet new people, socialize in groups, but people begin to disperse... All of the sudden, when I hit about 37, i looked around and realized all of my friends were having the 2nd kid and they stopped going anywhere (away from their home or mommy groups). They moved far away in the suburbs and stopped replying to any of my emails.

Does anyone here often worry about being old and alone? Parents getting old & having health issues. Your own declining health and no one around to check on you..to call or see you to make sure you are alive? Even though we spend alot of time at work, often people don't really socialize about anything personal, and then everyone goes home to families....I am starting to panic because my parents are both beginning to have severe health issues. I am very emotionally attached to them (they are the only people I have that really understand me, love me and try to help me right now) My parents are all I have.

Who do you talk to other than your spouse? or maybe coworkers? I'm feeling increasingly isolated because everyone I know/meet over the age of 35 is having babies or adding to their tight family unit. And women with families & young kids do not socialize or spend time with people that do not have kids. It's like the "Haves" versus the "Have Nots"  I guess I wouldn't care so much if I had a great career or engaging hobbies that I loved. I feel like more than anything I want a few people in my life (in real life) that really know me, understand me and can provide emotional support, maybe some genuine interaction and laughter once in awhile. Who do you have to count on?

I can't seem to generate my own happiness for the life of me. Maybe I'm too needy?

I'm actually in the same situation blahblah.

No kids, and I'm not sure if I'll ever have any, never really was an issue for me, but I get you...you dont see your friends as much as you'd like...

I wouldn't let it make you feel isolated though, lots of people don't have kids...And a lot of families have their own list of problems...

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On 3/27/2018 at 9:59 PM, Antecedent said:

Let's see.. a night course in something where you have to talk to the other people, like counselling, a language etc.
A book club
A group that shares buses and goes out places to draw, or paint, or hike, or hill walk
A skeptic group (they meet and basically talk about why they think horoscopes are silly for an hour... ha ha!)
A humanist group if you're atheist or a church / religious group if you're religious
Even group therapy might be great, has anyone here made friends in group?.. I haven't done official group therapy but I'm in something similar now and I am finding when you share intimate information you bond really quickly... I can imagine cults manipulate that.. I'm not in a cult! I can imagine myself becoming completely addicted to group therapy in the future, it's that or join a cult.
Volunteering in something that involves working with other people and talking to them (this is most volunteer work, but not all :D )
 

Unfortunately, I'm up against a real wall. I live in a european foreign country where I don't speak the language fluently yet. Only expats speak English. I'm learning and I'm in intensive classes every day. The course is only 20-year old chinese/korean kids (not that I have anything against) many are just here for university and live with relatives! I guess I could join a book club, but all of those meetups attract 20-somethings still. I only hold attention to finish maybe 2 books per YEAR :-( Also most meetups i join are 20-somethings that I have nothing in common with.

I would absolutely love to join a womens group or therapy group, but there are none here! I've posted on various expat forums, asked my therapist, psychiatrist and there are none here in english or any available outside of in-patient hospitals. I'm not religious, so churches are out. I tried meditation group but the only ones are not in English and $600, and I got nothing out of it (the members did not speak english, I just talked in my broken new language). I go to the gym but people are not english-speaking and very unfriendly. There were several group therapy things I did in the US and I met a couple of close friends during that time. There are no volunteer groups except working with refugees or homeless people (sorry not really interesting to me). The older generation here (over 45-50+) do not speak a word of English....

I could join some other kind of outdoor meetup (in summer) but in this country it rains like year-round, no sun!! Except for July and August (everyone leaves in August on holiday, and I'm gone the entire month also). It's horrible. It is almost April and its cold and raining EVERY SINGLE DAY!!

Anyway, I am sooooooo depressed. I belong to several US expat groups/forums but not having any luck making solid connections. I think part of the problem is, I hate superficial relationships. Im at an age where I don't have the energy nor want to devote time to just superficial friendships where I cannot be myself, and then I have had serious depression for 20 years - I find it tough to have a close friendship with someone that cannot relate to never struggling with anxiety or depression. Over the last several years, I have lost all my self-esteem & confidence and struggle to maintain interest in ANYTHING.  Anytime I have mentioned anything about having some depression, people disappear.....

I've also had bad experiences where people just want to use you to meet other people, or network/get a job (i live in a big city). It's killing me. I really want to move back to the US, but my husband is European and unable to get a job there now. Many days I ask myself what the Hell am I doing here - Should I divorce? I have serious chronic depression and I live in a country where I am completely isolated and cannot really communicate with other people except transient expats that stay here for a year and then leave. Been here a year and a half and I am not integrating at all. Yet, I don't want to divorce at my age and fail at my marriage! Being single and dating over 40 is a nightmare! I spent many years being single and living alone and i was miserable in that state also....

Everyone back home has completely forgotten about me or is filled with envy - no idea what my experience is like. they have their lives and all assume I live a totally exotic life of adventure and travel (partially true). But it's not home and never will be. With all of the drama in the US, I would gladly take that any day over being here in this culture and country I hate with no connections, contacts, decent job opportunities or support anywhere. It's really affecting my mental health, but my husband just keeps saying everything is fine, be patient and I'm making progress :-( I don't know how long i can do this. I'm desperate. My therapist is not really helping. I have tried like every medication, I'm stable and realizing my problem is environmental/circumstances that in order to change or go home would mean giving up a stable relationship...(divorce) will just lead a a ton of other problems at my age.  Any advice????

 

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Not uncommon when you reach your 40s unattached (I assume) and without kids. Your former friends (these days) are just raising kids, so THEIR kids become the focus. And if you want to be friends with them, THEIR KIDS become a part of the equation. I've known people who I suspect had kids as a hedge against being old alone. And it may seem like everyone else has their life figured out, but if you look closer that's often not quite the case.

So you're alone, and not young, and without kids, and you begin to get concerned about being old alone. Maybe you see yourself as the hedge against your parents growing old and infirm. Maybe they see you that way. 

I have no answer to this, except to take the kids thing lightly. Friends will pull away. Keep those you can. It's life.

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You've just moved somewhere where you don't speak the language, I don't think that this is any reflection on you. You have quite the obstacle! Friends are really important for happiness, relationships in general are. I can see why you think there might be a large situational element to this depression!

When I was living abroad I went to a language school that had an language exchange partner thing set up, they had loads of people learning English who put down their names and they mostly expected to end up practising with another student. So everybody wanted me, a native (my biggest achievement in life: being born to an English speaking couple ;)) . The teacher sat me down with about 5 forms from people she thought I'd like, and I chose two. A woman my own age, because she was studying psychology, and an older lady.. I can't remember why I picked her.. anyway I got on great with both of them. People with upper intermediate / B2 level and above are well able to talk enough to make friends, even intermediate/ B1 is fine if you are kindred spirits.

Anyway that was ideal, but there might be some way for you to do something similar, what about this site. https://www.conversationexchange.com/ People basically post personal ads except they just want a language partner, not romance. You can find someone you are compatible with maybe, and who speaks enough English to actually be a friend.

I'll keep thinking about it, gotta go have dinner now.

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I have no kids and most my age have grown kids, and grandkids. I worry about no one to care for me but then I look around. My one brother has grown kids he still supports plus raising a grandkid. Other brother has bad health issues but kids are out of state. So I guess it’s no guarantee. My fantasy of adult kids caring for me in my old age is just that, a fantasy. I no longer have close friends nearby although I do have a few friends I’ve met through my job. Once they leave it’s harder to maintain the friendship. I have a good friend via email I’ve never met but we’ve been friends for 15 years now. I wish I had super close friends like I used to but I don’t have great hints on that. I say establish online friends if you can. How, well, that’s probably no easier. If you have friends out of country you can stay in touch with, do. Be open to younger friends if you find any you can talk to. I don’t know about book clubs in general, the ones I’ve known barely discussed books, they were just social groups. Do you knit or such?  I don’t but know people in groups who socialize as they knit or whatever. I’m not helping there but know that I’m in the same boat on no kids and aging. My consolation is that those kids can be a drain or an asset and no real hedge against being alone. 

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Thanks for the advice. I guess I do need to focus on online friendships/forums and lower my expectations of having "real life" friends. No one back home ever emails me...I guess I just need to let them go. What hurts is that I feel like in friendships it's only ME that puts effort and importance there. I really appreciate my friends, I'm loyal, I'm always the one who sends the Happy Birthday emails, I'm the one who checks in and asks how they are doing - and no one does that for me....I'm busy, I have a life too and yet I still find time to connect or think about someone else. Maybe I just care too much??

It's not that I think kids are a means to keep company in old age, not at all. I feel like because I do not have kids, I am a social outcast. A weird anomaly. I don't have any big shot career or accolades to make up for it either. I don't enjoy hanging out with couples that have newborns or young kids. I don't relate. I think I'm like the only person I know that does not find babies cute. Kids mainly give me a headache (other people's kids at least). People lose their identity. I can't connect at all to my old friends, all they talk about is the kid - post Facebook pics of the kid, because the child is their entire life...it's the soccer games, what Jimmy eats for lunch, Jimmy's first day of school, how Jimmy can say the alphabet, how he's the cutest munchkin in the universe, blahblah.

I hear that there are a lot of childfree couples, but no one I meet at my age! I guess I feel jealous that once someone has a kid, a whole new world of support opens up to them and women meet other "mommies" they have playdates, see eachother at school events, and then they have an entire social network to bond with. Everyone acts like the most important thing you can do in life is have offspring. My entire social world has completely shrunk. I currently force myself to go out or do any hobbies because I have a chronic case of anhedonia (which of course you have to hide when you are social) and I am just feeling so alone in the world. I'm afraid it will only get worse as I age.

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1 hour ago, Blahblah said:

I guess I feel jealous that once someone has a kid, a whole new world of support opens up to them and women meet other "mommies" they have playdates, see eachother at school events, and then they have an entire social network to bond with. Everyone acts like the most important thing you can do in life is have offspring. My entire social world has completely shrunk. I currently force myself to go out or do any hobbies because I have a chronic case of anhedonia (which of course you have to hide when you are social) and I am just feeling so alone in the world. I'm afraid it will only get worse as I age.

My experience as a mom, fwiw, is that if you already have pretty good social/networking skills and a typical kid and are good at fitting in, then yes a social network opens up for you. Having a child has not been a magical key to socializing for me (not that I expected it to). I am just as much a social outcast as I was before. I tried going to mommy groups and everything. They are like high school cliques for the most part. There are cliques around whether you breastfeed or bottle feed, whether or not you practice attachment parenting, whether you work or stay home, blah blah blah. The two friends I did make from those groups moved away and one of them won't even speak to me online because I freaked her out during in a paranoid moment.

And I love my son, but OMG parenting is hard. I mean for some people I guess it's easy, but it's hard for me.

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I think I can realate. I have a late child, as I couldn't make up my mind for a long time bc of my mental health issues. I was living for a long time without the kid among happy parents. It's never easy. The pression is always high.

But I know now that for some people it'is never enough. First they ask you when you get married, then when you will finally have a kid. And now they say to me that having just one baby is a bad idea, we should have another.

Though I love being a mum and love my not even 3 months old son I'm sure I don't want any more kids.

I also know the feeling of living abroad in the country you don't speak language fluently. To me it was even bigger problem then not having a kid for a long time as such an isolation was one of the reason of my mental problems.

I could find then only one solution, I moved back. My husband wasn't very happy about it and we were separated for almost a year. But he eventualy joined me later.

That's how I know it must be all very hard for you.

If I were you I would start from getting back to your old friends. I know it's not easy but the friends you had before when you were living in your country might remind you of the good times you had. Maybe it would be good to take the first step and write to them yourself, maybe invite them if it's possible or just write them that you miss them and would like to keep in touch more oftne.

Meeting people online is also very good idea, keep trying, I'm sure you'll meet someone that can make a real friendship with you. There are a lot of people that even with kids have interesting hobbies and do many things in life so you can have a lot to talk with them.

Good way to meet new people may be also traveling, if you have possibility to take even a short trips it might work good for you.

Anyway, I hope you'll find some nice people and feel better.

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12 hours ago, Dr. Marshall said:

I also know the feeling of living abroad in the country you don't speak language fluently. To me it was even bigger problem then not having a kid for a long time as such an isolation was one of the reason of my mental problems.

I could find then only one solution, I moved back. My husband wasn't very happy about it and we were separated for almost a year. But he eventualy joined me later.

That's how I know it must be all very hard for you. Meeting people online is also very good idea, keep trying, I'm sure you'll meet someone that can make a real friendship with you. There are a lot of people that even with kids have interesting hobbies and do many things in life so you can have a lot to talk with them.

Good way to meet new people may be also traveling, if you have possibility to take even a short trips it might work good for you.

Anyway, I hope you'll find some nice people and feel better.

Thanks for your note. Where if I may ask did you live before? How long did you live there, before you moved back? I am in serious consideration of trying to move back sooner than later, because I absolutely hate it here. I've been taking language classes for a year, and sure, I can speak enough to understand and get by... this place will never be my home. I have not a single person (other than therapist) to talk to. I hate the culture, mindset, environment and everything about it here. The expat community is very transient - you make a friend and then they move and you never see them again. I don't know how much longer i can sacrifice my mental health. I travel often on the weekends, and the sad thing is, I don't even enjoy that anymore. I need connection. A sense of belonging.

I am curious to hear (if you don't mind me asking) how you decided to move back and if it was difficult for your husband to follow? I'm assuming he needed to get a job (or a green card?) I never thought an international relationship would be so difficult and on top of this, all of my friends back in the US think it's all ice cream and cherries. They have absolutely no idea what it is like to be an immigrant or a foreigner in a country, dealing with moving, paperwork, culture etc all in another language. They have all moved on, had families, and are all too busy to think or care about me. Oh, and in many countries, people speak decent english - here they don't!! Even if they are able to, they refuse to. It's really affecting my mental health. Anyways, if you don't want to answer here, feel free to message me.

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Sad thing for me is I've generally felt alone since my panic disorder began...

I mean I get a rise out of social activities same as everyone else, but I never quite relied on people the same after that...

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@BrianOCD How did the Panic start? Is it more social or generalized?  I find that having any kind of diagnosed MI makes things super challenging in the social realm. As I get older (and the depression does not go away) I feel more & more emotionally isolated from people. I feel different, misunderstood, alien sometimes. I wish I could ignore it, but it bothers me a lot...having chronic mental health issues changes you. I think I'm sort of at the point of no return (returning to the passionate, hopeful person I was before I became depressed). I go out, and even when I do meet and talk to people my age, I just don't relate at all and I feel a world apart. It is not fulfilling. More often than not, I am enormously disappointed in people. After awhile, you have nothing left to give anymore.

I don't seem to experience things in the same way a "normal" person does. Everything feels like a chore. I'm not flat, I have emotions, I just don't ever feel good or feel pleasure in anything, except maybe sleeping in. Also, when you are experiencing chronic anhedonia, it is difficult to connect with people because you don't really have deep passions and sustained interest in things. I always have to fake it. The anxiety or depression can get all-consuming at times.I must often hide or protect myself before building up the energy to keep going...

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1 hour ago, Blahblah said:

@BrianOCD How did the Panic start? Is it more social or generalized?  I find that having any kind of diagnosed MI makes things super challenging in the social realm. As I get older (and the depression does not go away) I feel more & more emotionally isolated from people. I feel different, misunderstood, alien sometimes. I wish I could ignore it, but it bothers me a lot...having chronic mental health issues changes you. I think I'm sort of at the point of no return (returning to the passionate, hopeful person I was before I became depressed). I go out, and even when I do meet and talk to people my age, I just don't relate at all and I feel a world apart. It is not fulfilling. More often than not, I am enormously disappointed in people. After awhile, you have nothing left to give anymore.

I don't seem to experience things in the same way a "normal" person does. Everything feels like a chore. I'm not flat, I have emotions, I just don't ever feel good or feel pleasure in anything, except maybe sleeping in. Also, when you are experiencing chronic anhedonia, it is difficult to connect with people because you don't really have deep passions and sustained interest in things. I always have to fake it. The anxiety or depression can get all-consuming at times.I must often hide or protect myself before building up the energy to keep going...

Reality is you're more of a unique person compared to most, I've felt people with MI are typically more individual...I encounter a lot of people and sometimes I find many people can be fake and many are the same, not very interesting...In fact, I'd say one of the most interesting times in my life was being in the psych ward and getting to meet all these different personalities.  It wasn't a happy time for me, but that was a big plus.

I've been living like a robot for the past 5 months.  I tell myself to eat, go here, go do this, but it's not based on emotion which it is for normal folks.  I might be living in a depersonalized state tbh, and I'm trying to just deal with hoping and praying it'll go away.  I've become really good at acting like everything is fine, it makes me feel like a sociopath though to be so detached from my emotions.

My panic started after some bad drug experiences, one horrible trip.  Combination of ecstacy, shrooms, and a lot of marijuana.  Ended up with severe panic attacks for about a month until I ended up at the ER.  About 15 years ago...Been a ride on psych meds since...So that's where my health/mental fears originated, any kind of health issue triggers my anxiety badly now, and I've had anxiety/depression issues on and off since.

Edited by BrianOCD

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@Blahblah

Firstly, I'm not native English. I don't speak your language fluently. I can communicate on advanced level but it's still not enough for me to express myself on higher level and make close friends. I am normally not good with it and with language differences it seems even harder. I was living in UK for over 4 years and the last period was a nightmare. I was traveling back to my country twice a month and then back to UK as I couldn't make up my mind if I want to stay with my husband or back in my country.

I know very well the feeling of isolation and remember I started to hate everything about the country too, even though I had fine job in accountancy there and was among people, I couldn't make it through. The decision was hard because we were settle down there well. We bought our own appartment, my husband still has his small company there. He needs to be there from time to time.

It was very hard decision for him, I thought we eventually will get divorced. But after separation he changed his mind and came back too. He can't take on now as many projects as he used to do. Don't want to sound obvious but money is not everything. We're much happier here with family and friends around. And I found good job here as well.

Now I'm sure it was one of the best decision in my life. I read many articles about how living abroad can have bad influence on your mental health if you have tendencies for the sickness. I am the best exemple of that as my health problems started out there. It's not that I got cured when I came back but feel much better now.

If you live in Europe maybe moving to English speaking country here might be a good solution for you. Kind of compromise. But don't make things go faster, talk to your husband as often as possible about it. Does he even consider moving to US? Would it be possible for his professional life out there? Maybe try to find yourself what he could possibly do there and show him some offers.

I entirely understand your feelings but try to work on some compromise with your husband if you're happy with him and don't want to loose him. Hope you'll figure out something and start feeling better soon.

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Ok! Thanks for the detail @Dr. Marshall I'm assuming that you and your husband are from the same country? I only wish I could go back home to the US twice per month! 11 hour flight, and It's too expensive to go more than 1-2 timesper year. I'll be visiting this summer and have mixed feelings. The last few times I cried getting off the plane and I did not want to leave. My husband works in a field where it is very difficult to land a job (high level, very specialized, all about your network) and although he applies for positions in the US he does not get any interviews because he doesn't live there nor does he have a work visa there. It is crazy difficult to get a company to sponsor you as a foreigner. So essentially, he would need to give up his job/ possibly his career if he moves to the US. 

 I've lived in 2 different European countries and I just want to go where I feel culturally comfortable and can communicate with people and find a decent job. as far as English-countries, England is crazy expensive (salaries are nothing) and with Brexit, who knows what will happen there. Ireland/Scotland it rains nonstop (sh&t weather leads to heavy drinking all day in the pub), so I don't want to go there. I know there are countries like Denmark and Netherlands where English is more widely spoken, but better jobs will still require Bilingual people no doubt. I cannot deal with cold weather and snow (and cold unfriendly people). Scandinavian countries have even higher rates of depression as well....Basically, I don't think I can keep starting all over again at my age. It's exhausting to be moving and going through the immigration process, getting set up just to find out you dislike being a foreigner there, and cannot land a job or make any real friends. :-( :-( It has been an eye opener for sure. I never thought (with all the Trump/gun stuff in the US) that I would ever want to go back.

Edited by Blahblah

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Yes @Blahblah we have the same origins. It makes things a bit easier I guess. Yes, London is extremely expensive but we lived in suburbs so it was ok. Never been to Ireland but it's definately cheaper out there. But I understand your weather problems, belive me. And scandinavian depression problem is a fact, so I would be carefull with that too.

What about Holland? The weather is not the worst in Europe and they all speak English. I liked it there to be honest.

But i'm not sure if it's just the matter of language for you, as it wasn't for me too,  it was the homeland sickness. Even with difficult political situation at the moment, you still miss it.

I don't know how it works for US, I was there only on business trip visa, but if he's your husband can't he apply for the visa and then try to find the job ? If I may ask.

Hope you manage to figure out something, maybe your summer trip will clear your mind a bit more. Try to talk there with somebody close to you or someone that used to be closed, telling your problems face to face may be very helpful for you.

Edited by Dr. Marshall
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Hi Blah. I haven't been on here in awhile.  I'm sorry to see thst you are still struggling.

As you know, I am a US expat.  I have lived here in Germany now for 18 years. It took forever for me to learn the language,make friends and start to feel more comfortable here. And since the last US election i don't want to go back. (Not to mention the strong social system here with health insurance ).

Anyway,  I am going through a bsd time right now and even though I do have friends and kids snd a husband, I am feeling very isolated and alone. I relate to your feelings of always having to do the work with relationships.  And I experience when trying to set up play dates for my kids. People don't call back, don't respond or act like i'm some freak when I try to set something up.  

You said that you want to feel a sense of belonging and I do too.  I have only rarely felt like I belonged . For me, these feelings come from my childhood.  So I'm in therapy to work through that but,  honestly,  how fucking long is it going to take???

I know how hard it can be to be in the position you are in and i am sorry. 

One idea that I had for you was checking into your local chapter of Democrats Abroad.  I just recently have become involved and have met some people who have lived abroad for  many years and seem to be staying.  (There are a lot of transient people,too). It kind of helps with my feelings of homesickness (although I  also still feel like an outsider much of the time). 

 

 

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