Self-destruction is my specialty

[theforest]

I've been in therapy for 5 years. Also medicated. I have a good job. I have a supportive husband. I have a home. But years of abuse and insanity still get the better of me sometimes and I feel like I don't deserve anything good, or that people will "find out" that I am a horrible person (I have bad elements and good), and I still have days/weeks. when I am extremely self destructive. The current incarnation is that (a) I am fighting dwindling self consciousnes and social awkwardness, - all part of myregular repertoire - but now (b) for no reason whatsoever I am fighting against the development of an eating disorder, which is a new development in my crazy. I am in my late forties. WTH, brain? WHY? Why do I do this to myself? 

 

 

 

[Gearhead]

You aren’t really doing it to yourself, you know. You didn’t wake up one morning, smack your palms together, and say “I’d love to make myself miserable. How can I best achieve that worthwhile goal?” 

“WTH, brain?” is the right question. Your chemistry is doing this to you. Your trauma history is doing this to you. You aren’t a bad person; you’re a person to whom bad things have happened, and it can be incredibly hard to separate those two things from each other. 

Trauma is the gift that keeps on giving. It makes you keep punishing yourself long after the traumatic events themselves are over. 

[theforest]

Thanks, Gearhead... I needed that reminder. Thank you. 

[Distorted Me]

Very wise words, Gearhead.  You have a great way of putting things succinctly that I envy. 

Theforest, as another abuse survivor with similar MI's and questionable sanity at times, I feel you on this stuff.  Healing is a long journey with lots of twists and turns along the way.

I want to ask 2 questions:  1. Are you really getting your trauma out of your head and memories and putting it into words in therapy?  and 2. are you confident that your current medicine regime is working for you?

1. I ask this because I held back a lot for too long only to have flashes of repressed memories come storming back when I least needed them.  My experience was that once I was willing to just get them out and express them verbally to my counselors, I was able to take away a lot of the power they had over me subconsciously.  It's unbelievable how much damage this crap can do when we keep it bottled up inside and let it just bounce around the deep recesses of our minds aimlessly.  Just getting it out by the simple act of talking about it is incredibly powerful for healing.  It's made a massive difference for me.  Please ignore me on this if it's not new information to you.

2. And definitely be knowledgeable about the medications you're taking.  I stopped taking SSRI's altogether last fall and it was a revelation.  All that serotonin flooding my system for the last decade did nothing but mess me up even more - way more.  I could describe all of it but it would take too long.  I am 100% certain though that SSRI's are absolutely not good for me personally and I question their use in anyone in the bipolar spectrum.  Goddamn doctors really have zero understanding about the relationship of serotonin  and other neurotransmitters and bipolar disorder (or any other disorder for that matter).  It's not a stretch to compare their blindly prescribing SSRI's to MI patients to Russian roulette, especially when you factor in suicide rates among us.  They prescribe these powerful medicines in massive numbers without any understanding at all of what that increase in serotonin might do.

Sorry for being a little preachy.  I tend to be that way sometimes.  I just want to help and share my experiences.  Take everything with a grain of salt. 

By the way, I take Pramipexole for my RLS and have for years. It works very well for me and, with it's effect on dopamine, I think it is at least somewhat beneficial to my BP 2 situation.  I've had almost zero side effects from it but there is some anecdotal stuff out there about a possible link to extreme compulsive behavior.  Personally, I think it can increase the tendency of that, but it's probably really more a lack of understanding and moral foundation that leads those people to such extreme behavior.  I'm very compulsive by nature and I've done some stuff I'm not proud of, but I'm still on Pramipexole and I am so much under control now I find it difficult to believe when they blame everything on the medication.