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P Dub 87

First Post About Myself/Condition Ever, and I think I'm at the end of the road here..

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I just turned 30 last November. Seems like all life does anymore is pass me by. I've dealt with severe anxiety and depression for the better part of the last 2 decades, and before that, ADHD as a child. I have tried every medicine under the sun, including experimental ones like ketamine and such. I've done ECT treatments, hundreds of therapy sessions and group therapies. The doctors switched my diagnosis from bipolar, to severe GAD, to borderline personality disorder, back to GAD, many times, and I'm not even sure what the current one thinks I am. I mostly sit there staring into space when I'm in his office. I have no hope or will left in me anymore. I haven't truly felt suicidal since 2009, which is when I had two suicide attempts, but I'm beginning to be okay with dying again. 2 years ago, I lost the love of my life and since then this hole inside me has become larger than ever. We were together for 6.5 years, and it was the most fulfilling, joyous years of my life. Now I'm at the point where feeling sad is a relief, because I mostly feel nothing. I rarely feel anything anymore besides resentment and anger because I know I should be feeling but I'm not. It doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing, I remain empty inside. I'm so apathetic and detached from the world and the people in it, including friends and family. I isolate myself, turn my phone off for weeks at a time even. I just don't care anymore. I struggled with this beast before I met the love of my life, but she filled me with something that medicines and doctors never could. LOVE. It was like a breath of fresh air, with the sun on my face. Blissful, peaceful. I love her every moment of every day, and I know without her I won't make it. She's the reason I stopped feeling suicidal in 2009. That's the year we met, coincidentally in ECT therapy. We were both in the same waiting room. It's funny, we wouldn't remember each others' names or that we had started making plans to see each other outside of therapy. We were like kids in the recovery room, sitting on our hospital gurneys kicking our feet, sipping on those juice boxes they give you after they electrocute ya, completely nonjudgmental, embracing each others' company. Our mothers had to help us out hahaha. Our memory and attentions spans at the time were hilariously short. My mother would drive me to go see her, and I would forget who I was going to see on the way there. Her mother would remind her to get ready because she had company coming over but she would always forget who was coming to see her. But we would always remember when we saw each other, and we would embrace each other with the biggest hugs. It was like seeing each other for the first time, every time while we were still having ECT treatments, except we knew each other. Hard to explain. I'm simplifying everything but I truly have not ever felt something so strong and amazing, that attraction that soulmates share, if you believe in such things. I've tried dating (if you can even call it that) and talking to girls since I lost her but nothing makes me care. Sex is meaningless, conversations are meaningless...doesn't matter who's talking to me, or how much they're into me, they aren't her. They'll never be her. I just space out and imagine how comfy my sanctuary is where I can lay back with my feet on my soft carpeting and just rest. That's all I ever want to do anymore, just rest. Be as close to 'at peace' as I can. Life never had much sway over me, and now that I'm without 'her'...I'm so close to the final exit. It sucks because this could have all been avoided. I used to drink alcohol, A LOT. I even went to rehab for it, and stayed clean since then with a few hiccups/reminders not to drink. Alcohol never mixed well with me, and caused more problems than she could put up with. I hate myself for not seeing clearly quicker. For not listening to her. And so here I am, a broken being writing on this forum not because I seek help but because I just feel like I should put a brief summary of my story out there. I apologize if any of you were here looking for answers. I see many other souls in pain here too, which inspired me to share. It's nice knowing we aren't completely alone. 

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29 minutes ago, P Dub 87 said:

 Hard to explain. I'm simplifying everything but I truly have not ever felt something so strong and amazing, that attraction that soulmates share, if you believe in such things. 

i do. i don't have depression. but i lost my best friend seven years ago to the day. he died within minutes of texting me. it's fucked up. but he truly saw me and i him, not in a love way, but kinda. he found something in me i didn't know existed. it's wild. i've never connected with someone on that level. but we were also super unwell together. and i've been really unwell for several years since. 

anyway, i just wanted to let you know that i couldn't read your whole post because there aren't any paragraphs, but i saw this part on skim, yes, i believe in such things. x -melli

and welcome!

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Hey mellifluous, thanks for welcoming me. Sorry for your loss. That must have been/still be hard. I am glad someone else out there believes in those connections though. I shall make paragraphs next time, it didn't cross my mind as I was writing. :)

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wow @P Dub 87 that sounds like a very rough road, I'm sorry uve had so many serious challenges. It always seems to me that no matter how good a doctor or how good a med you can get, there are some things that medicine will never be able to fix. It seems like you've pulled out all the stops, and as someone who has tried over thirty treatments I can't imagine how tough all those trials were. I hope that you can find some comfort here, and maybe a way up will present itself. Welcome and best of luck 

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I'm glad that you felt less alone.  That's one of the many things this place is good for.  It sounds like you have had something really special and I can't imagine how recovery from such a loss would be like. 

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Thanks @Iceberg, yeah the trial and error weighs heavy on one's spirit, especially when the end result desired isn't guaranteed, or can even be addressed. :(

@dancesintherain/@sbdivemaster, I am glad I found this place, seems like people can really understand each other better here, and are considerate/kind. I really appreciate that a lot!

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On 08/05/2018 at 7:30 PM, P Dub 87 said:

I just turned 30 last November. Seems like all life does anymore is pass me by. I've dealt with severe anxiety and depression for the better part of the last 2 decades, and before that, ADHD as a child. I have tried every medicine under the sun, including experimental ones like ketamine and such. I've done ECT treatments, hundreds of therapy sessions and group therapies. The doctors switched my diagnosis from bipolar, to severe GAD, to borderline personality disorder, back to GAD, many times, and I'm not even sure what the current one thinks I am. 

Hey,

I've no magical advice I'm afraid other than to say that I'm in the same boat, barring childhood ADHD. I've just done dTMS and ECT both to zero effect. My PDoc last week literally said "I've never had a patient try as many meds as you" and "There is nothing different left for you to try". Strangely this had an uplifting effect in the short term - perhaps because the weight of finding the "right med" had been lifted from my shoulders. 

Unfortunately I have young kids which to my mind rules out suicide - at least until they're older. Anyway, you have my empathy, whatever that's worth.

Pete

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Hi, P Dub. Welcome to CB. I hope you find what you’re looking for here. At the very least were good listeners.

Please feel free to PM me or any of the other mods if you need help navigating the site.

Gearhead (admin)

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@sming, Thanks for sharing. Yeah, the last few PDocs I've had have said similar things. I felt kind of defeated hearing it, but at the same time I already knew. When you've tried so many medicines, at some point you stop believing they can help. At least I did.

@Gearhead, Thanks for welcoming me and letting me know I can PM you/the mods if need to.:)

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