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When you are splitting, do you ever engage in fantasies about the person that you are hating at the time? In one particular case, my fantasies included ways this person could die. Mind you, this is a person who is very close to me, err hmm partner. None of the ways he died in the scenarios were by my hand or entailed murder committed by me, but they were all things like being hit by car or knocked over by falling tree, having a stroke, or any other crazy thing you could think of. It was like a malicious screwed up form of escapism, but it makes me feel very guilty. And I have wondered for a while where it came from. It's not something that you would ask someone about, you know? I didn't even know where to begin with that level of craziness.

When I get angry or enraged about something, I feel he has done to me, it is quite easy for me to move into this territory. For example I can put myself to sleep at night fantasizing this way. I haven't done this lately but it is definitely something I have done in the recent past.

I don't yet have a BPD diagnosis but I am very sure that I have it and that I was misdiagnosed as bipolar 2 or that I have SAD or bipolar 2 in addition to BPD and ADHD I. Reading the criteria for borderline personality disorder explained so much about my life and I fit 7 of them for sure. I would appreciate any responses if anyone has experienced similar because I'm just wondering if this is something way beyond what a borderline person might experience or if it is something that could be part of splitting. These fantasies are about the same guy that I put on a pedestal and gush about endlessly at other moments.

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Interesting. I haven't experienced what you've described, but as far as I'm aware, it sounds like classic splitting -  a major feature of Borderline.

On a similar note, Years ago an old pdoc said I had some BPD features, but it wasn't enough for a full diagnosis. Some days, I used to idolize my partner (think they were the love of my life, my prince charming, so perfect, etc) and then times where he didn't give me enough attention, I'd move into a state of resentment. I'd get depressed, feel neglected, and think he didn't really care about me. I'd fantasize about something happening to ME (ex: cancer diagnosis) so that he would give me more attention, soothing, sympathy or emotional support. It's like I wanted this illness/drama, just so that he would worry about me. At the time, I didn't realize that this was a neurotic behavioral pattern. Borderline? Narcissistic? I don't know...but it was dysfunctional.

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I've had that, too. This definitely Disturbed me more though.

I know I did see one terrible post on Reddit where the child of a BPD mother said her mom used to tell her all the time that she hoped the wonderful father/husband would die and then they can get the insurance when he did. So I'm thinking it's not unheard of. But that's pretty terrible.

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Yeah, I'm sure it does happen. Married people can end up really resentful and hating each other. Just staying together for the money. And the child is the one that suffers. I've never wanted anyone dead though..at least anyone that I know personally. I've never been a hateful person (I only hate myself)!!

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Hi, yes I find this fantasy to be really common. It is an escape fantasy for me. I'm married with children and often find these negative thoughts creeping in when I'm feeling resentful of the demands on my time. I only recently recognized myself as having BPD, I thought I was the only person who thought this way. It's always been a shameful experience for me. Thank you for sharing this.

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It refers to splitting someone into an angel one moment and a devil the next, rather than seeing people in the gray as a mix of good and bad.

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