My first time cutting

[X Anime Lover X]

I’ll get straight to it, I cut myself.

This was my first time cutting. 

I don’t know why, the thought of cutting kept haunting my mind. I decided after school I would do it. Just once.

I was alone in the house at the time and got everything I needed. I had a first aid kit, a small screwdriver and a sharpener. 

I took out the blade and I was nervous and did it high up on my thigh. I cut twice on my thigh then on my hips. I got carried away and cleaned up the cuts. There were more cuts then I intended and I cleaned everything up hiding the evidence.

I’m a little shaky from what I did but I don’t regret it.

I don’t believe I did it and it doesn’t bother me. 

I’m scared what others will think if they find out. 

Help me.

[Wooster]

Sorry to hear that self harm was the thing that seemed like the best way to manage the distress you were feeling.

If you haven't already done so, please read the guidelines to posting in the SI forum. We are a place that encourages people to find alternative ways to cope and minimize harm associated with self injurious behaviors until you are ready to stop.

You sound like a person who might be under 18, which means you might be living at home with adults who care about you, or going to school where there might be some people who could help you talk to caregivers/parents about the distress you're feeling and how you've been trying to cope in ways that are less healthy.

Please also keep in mind that when posting in the self harm part of the board, we take a little extra caution to not talk about specific tools or methods of self harming, or locations of self harm. 

[echolocation]

please be very gentle with yourself, and be aware that urges to self-injure can be stronger while you're healing.

cutting is a very slippery slope. i urge you to ask for help coping with the distress you're dealing with, whether through a school counsellor, a psychiatrist, or a therapist. i assume you're living with your parents. if they're supportive (or seem like they will be) tell them that you're not feeling well. tell them it's overwhelming. communicating can be the hardest thing in the world, but seeking treatment can provide enormous relief.

take care of yourself.

[Fluent In Silence]

And hopefully your last. I don't mean to sound preachy because I've done it in the past and I know that it can feel good for a while but it doesn't really help. Seek some help like echo said. If I'd had some help then I wouldn't have all these scars.