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Flaky people who blow you off


devon00

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So, I have been told (and I believe) that I am hypersensitive to rejection and that this makes me a little paranoid.  Then again, I feel that people sure give me ample reasons to be paranoid!

For example, this girl who has sort of befriended me at my school came up to me a few weeks ago, gave me a big hug out of nowhere and said that I "Have to go out with everyone" for her birthday that Friday night and "I'll call you."  I don't get a call so later that night I text her on her phone.  Never hear back, so I chalk it up to flakiness.  Then I call her a few days later and just wish her a happy birthday and "give me a call if you're around this week and you want to hang out" and I never hear from her!

So I saw her today over a week later, and I wished her a happy birthday and asked if they went out and "I thought you were going to call me" (not said in an accusing way but more of a teasing way, although my feelings were hurt).  And she hardly remembered what I was talking about and said her friends ended up planning the thing so sorry if she forgot to call, etc.  But that doesn't explain why she didn't return my call days later...

I dunno, but I always feel that people promise things and don't follow through and when someone says they are going to call and they don't I feel like a loser and very rejected.  Then again I BARELY EVEN TALK TO THIS GIRL so it's truly NOT POSSIBLE that I've offended her in any way.  So...what gives?  Are people really this flaky?  Or...am I a total reject who repells everyone else

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Yep, unfortunately alot of people are this flaky. One of the reasons why good friends are hard to come by. I personally have not one friend in real life who is not flaky like that. My "best friend" who later came to be my sis-in-law, is the queen of the flakies. She would actually call me and invite me out, tell me to get dressed that she was coming to pick me up in an hour and then never show up. I've noticed that the flakies are very high drama people. I have another friend who is very flaky and the biggest drama queen I know.

You really don't want these people as friends. You'll get screwed every time. Believe me, I've learned the hard way. Don't wait to get screwed over and over before you realize you deserve better.

Croix

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Heya Devon,

People are *that* flakey, nice word actually.

Archie comics used to use that word a lot.

I got screwed around, *especially* in school, by a *lot* of people I thought were being my friends.

Like being left alone at an off-campus dance club where I hadn't wanted to go anyway.

Like renting movies someone else wanted to see, showing up and watching them by myself.

Like showing up at faculty wine-and-cheeses alone and scared, with noone meeting me there like they said they would.

I have exactly *one* friend.  Who I have thought of as my friend for about a week now.

Otherwise there's my sister, DH, and my family doc.

And I *just now* started to trust my friend enough to be friends.

Course we're both wacked.

And she's 20 years older.

And my schizoid-ness has me wanting a minimum of friends anyways.  More than this might send me off the deep end.

But friends (how the hell would I have known?  Just happened, and she's kind and gentle and honest and accepting, and can keep a secret) are out there.

I wonder if all those flakes would benefit from a diagnosis?

They *must* have medication for that.  Flakeyness.  Like, um, ah, ... Selsun Blue?

("Trust me, I'm a doctor" smilie)

Keep smiling, keep strong.

We're all friends *here* anyway.  Very forgiving.

The kind of friends I can handle having -- my imaginary friends on the Internet -- ;)

Really though.  People.  Argh.

--ncc--

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Yep, people are *that* flakey.

Like Croix said, they're also typically high drama.

For quite a lot of them, friends exist for two reasons: to validate their existence, and to give them someone else to drag into their web of drama...Which is far more stress than any MI person needs.

I have 1 *real* friend.

He's just as nuts as I am and both of us tend to react violently to drama, so people keep it away from us.

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interesting .. flakiness.

i have a couple of flaky + mi friends. OK maybe they aren't flaky. but i will tell you this special special thing. i see one friend of mine every other week or so, sometimes less sometimes more. she's a student too.

we are sort of unstable, and we try to do things that are good for us, like walking or go to the gym (we did this once and i flaked on her), and then we sometimes go have lunch or just sit over tea and talk.

anyway. this is (to me) the special thing. we have an agreement. cause after all, with the cycling BP and depression and social anxiety and general anxiety and med effects etc etc etc

i said to her look, there will be days when we wake up and things feel just awful. sometimes they'll just feel shitty, or whatever. maybe we just don't feel like it or spent all our time the day before freaking over whatever, not getting the laundry done, and so it just isn't going to work out. let's just TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF. if you have to call and cancel last minute, it's cool i won't take it personally. and same, if i can't do it that day, it's cool.

when we do this we KNOW we aren't socially snubbing the other person. we trust that we know ourselves most of all. sometimes just not up for company. whatever.

i think this is very difficult, especially if we couldn't say to each other 'i am having an emergency, i  REALLY need to see you/have you come over'.. i think we can pull for each other when it's necessary. but a coffee/tea date? nah.

the only other thought i had on this topic is that playing hard to get is sometimes useful. not caring. ok. this is me - my way of dealing with being social outcast invisible girl was to not care (i am not the only one to do this). although it's hard because in some way i still cared.

i don't want people to pretend - i don't think any of us do. sometimes i see a person treated by others like.. they are just so needy and no one wants to let them down, so they blatantly lie and hedge and dance around the fact that they aren't interested. they have enough compassion that they care, but not enough to engage fully.

sorry. i say just walk away. there are REAL people out there. just that they're scarce and not trying to be so great. cause they don't have to pretend.

but yeah. people are flaky.

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Heya PJ, Devon,

PJ you told it like my friend and me.

The lines are open, the doors are open.

And it's okay if we have a hard day and don't feel like it.

Having a friend is scarier and safer than I ever thought.

People are idiots.

But some people are a good match.

Devon, there's a friend around there somewhere.

Just be open and see.

(This from me, who told my one friend yesterday -- at the goddamn clinic of all places -- that I wish I could trust.  Well it's always easier to give advice than to take it.  I (daily) tell the high-cholesterol people to not eat fatty meat, but my favourite food is rib steak.)

;)

--ncc--

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  • 1 month later...

I can relate to you. When are you being paranoid and when are people actually being flakes? When are you taking things personally and when are people ignoring you for a reason? It's a difficult struggle.

I find that the best thing to do, as hard as it might be, is to let everything roll over you. Otherwise you're gonna feel worse about shit.

If only I didn't give a fuck about any of this. I mean, I'd love to just repel everyon and be fine with it, you know? Just work on art all the time. Yet I always wonder why people didn't call me back, and I have to stop myself from being needy or I'll fuck up friendships due to appearing high maintenence.

Man, I wish I didn't need anyone. I wish I wasn't concerened about people not calling me back. I wish it didn't get to me. I wish I didn't sound so pathetic right now. I can't believe so many people are jealous of me. Intimidated, even. I'm such an insecure freak. Haha.

If it makes you feel any better, if I enjoyed your company, I would never flake out on you. ;)

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I think my problem was always that I wanted to hold people to the same standards that I hold myself.

I was considerate. If I said I was going to call, I called. If I said I was going to be someplace I was there, and when I said I'd be there. I rarely said no if someone asked for my time, or for a favor. This doesn't seem all that hard to me. Basic stuff.

But people don't show up. And they don't call. When you talk to them later they say "Oh... sorry, but such and such came up.". Sometimes it was as lame as "Well, some friends stopped by, so we watched the game and had a few beers."

No, please... don't bother calling.

One of my favorites was when my car broke down in a town 80 miles from home. I hitched back to my house, got my other car, and ran to the auto parts store. I got the stuff I needed and called a friend. I explained that I could get back down to my car, and could most likely fix it, but I needed someone to drive the second car back. Time was of the essense, as the car had died in a rather inopportune spot, and would most likely be towed soon.

His response was "Sorry, I'm off work for the next few days and I've really GOT to go grocery shopping. There's not a THING to eat in this house."

  ;)

I just don't get it.

IN

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  • 1 month later...

stupid people -- you don't need them. <3

I know this is going to get scorn from some people, but I've actually started warning anyone who starts to get close to me of what's wrong with me. I think this actually does a pretty good job of weeding out the bad ones. I don't flaunt it or anything (I'm not proud to be depressed, and I'm not proud of my scars) but I let them know in a calm way that I'm not always going to be this side of sanity. I'm going to do stupid stuff. I'm going to make them want to kill me more than once, but I'm also going to try my absolute hardest to be there for them when I can be.

I also feel very lucky because I have a grand total of /three/ people that I consider good friends, only one of which I really trust to get me through a hard time.

but, good luck. hopefully you'll get better at weeding out the bad ones. <3 there are at least a couple really good people out there, and hopefully that gives you some hope. but, good luck!

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