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I just feel like a total reject.  I live alone and spend a lot of time alone.  I'm very sensitive to rejection, and therefore I only have a few close friends...I guess I'm too high strung and serious to have many casual friends.

I'm going on a vacation out of the country in less than 3 weeks to visit some old friends...and not only am I not looking forward to it, I'm sort of dreading it!  Yes, I am weird.

Anyhoo, I'd say that one of the worst things about depression for me is that it's somewhat self sustaining.  For example I'm lonely, but it's really hard for me to reach out to others and try new things...and then when I do, if it doesn't work I'm so sensitive to the pain of rejection that I crawl back into my shell and put up even more walls.  This is so frustrating!!!!!  I've talked about this with my therapist and he seems to feel that many of my problems are owing to my *expectation* of failure and rejection.  But I have NO IDEA how to expect--or even be open to--success.  I feel like I've only experienced failure.

Looking at things objectively, that's actually not true.  For example, I just got into two really competitive graduate schools.  I know I'd be upset if I got rejected, but I can honestly say that getting in hasn't brought me one iota of pleasure or satisfaction. In fact, there is nothing that brings me enjoyment nowadays...even shopping ;)

What's wrong with me?!

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Heya Devon,

What's wrong with you?

Nothing.

You have an illness.

You're depressed.

Also, congrats on the grad schools.  That's a *great* achievement, even if you can't see it now.

If you're like me, academics are a big part of self-esteem.

I think (IMHO) that's okay when we're in school.

Be proud of yourself.  It's hard, cripes I know it's hard.

Tell yourself what you would tell your ... um ... okay, your neice (or some other kid you like anyways) if she got into grad school.  Tell yourself that like a billion times.

And.

I posted on another of your threads about my psychiatrist telling me it's good to be able to "enjoy your own company."

I always thought I was unsocial, or socially disabled, or unlikeable, or something.

Telling myself about "enjoying my own company" all the time now.

Enjoy your own company.

And enjoy school.

--ncc--

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have you experienced recent rejections in the relationship department?

I have been rejected or stabbed in the back by people on-going so it is realllly hard for me to pay any new people any attention.

What country are you going to, you are so lucky!  ;)

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Hi devon00,

  I can relate to a lot of how you feel.  I start to feel really worthless when I feel so alone.  I was always the "academic" one of my peers, and I got a Bachelor's Degree from a good college in English.  But I haven't been able to do anything with it.  I have spent the last four years doing menial jobs in retail, where I failed miserably.  So I feel like all of those nights I spent working hard and studying were for nothing.  It's a really horrible feeling.

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Devon~

I've felt that way for most of the last two years.  Just in the last six months, I've had to move twice, I haven't really made many friends at my new school (just started grad school), I'm in love with a guy who "isn't ready for a relationship right now", I got fired from my job, it took me three months to find a new job, and I haven't been cast in anything by the opera department at my school.  This is all because I'm not fun to live with, I'm dorky and not fun to be around, not worth the guy's time anyway, not an adequate musician, not good enough to work *anywhere*, and I can't sing very well.

None of this is logical, of course, but it's what I think.  Yup, you guessed it.  I'm depressed.  I'm sick of it.  I hate feeling this way all the tiime.  Of course, it would help if I got some positive reenforcement from the outside world.  If you get rejected enough, you start to believe it.

I don't think that was very helpful.  You're not alone.  Click the bear for the full story of my crazy life.

Love,

CS

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What's wrong with me?!

Judging from myself I would guess you haven't found the right meds for depression.

I was depressed for 20 years. Tried all sorts of AD. Nothing worked. Finally went to a pdoc. Now I'm on lamictal & abilify which has completely changed me. (for the better).

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