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mellifluous

i think should probably go to the hospital, but it's pointless

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i cut up the sheets and i'm waiting for my husband to go to sleep. i know this is bad but i just don't know how to make myself tell him. the voices are not helping whatsoever. i'm both afraid and not. i'm not afraid of dying, but i am afraid of leaving my girl alone. she won't be, though; my partner is here. i also don't want to be just another schizophrenic who's hung self. i'm finding it really hard to put myself in relationship to others. there are a few i still recognize as people in my life but i'm starting to totally detach. i have a maximum of three days left. 

i've been on *dozens* of APs and various combinations of them and done bilateral ECT for six weeks and been hospitalised for years of my life. what else is there? i'm on 600 mg clozaril, 20 mg of zyprexa (for the weekend...or actually is it thirty? no...i'm only on 20..anyway), 10 mg abilify, 50 mg zoloft (the abilify and zoloft for OCD, the others for SZ), i don't even know how much ativan, plus xanax PRN. oh, and seroquel for sleep as needed. 

i mean, what would you do? honestly...What The FUCK would you do at this point? like i'm going to suddenly have a job again or be respected again or never be psychotic again... unlikely to no fucking way.

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Melli, please go to the hospital. Don't do this to yourself, to your daughter, to your husband, and even to us. You are NEEDED in this life. Please don't take that awaly.

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I think I can get by until my night meds kick in. I'm on a treatment order and he just left. If they work there's nothing to be awake listening to, you know?

Sorry to panic anyone. Sincerely x

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my meds still haven't kicked in and it's been a while. 

if the voices are this bad tomorrow, i don't know how i'm going to get through. 

i have a small girl. small small small ...girl...and i love her. 

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I know I'm just some person on the internet but for whatever it's worth ... I am holding you in my thoughts right now.

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Fight for all the help you can get, Melli. That means going to the hospital despite any other treatment orders you might have. You need help, and the hospital can help you. At the very least, they will keep you safe until you get through this. Don't listen to the voices. They lie. They do not have your best interests or the best interests of your family.

I am keeping you in my thoughts. Sorry I disappeared for a while ... but life came up and bit me in the behind. I hope you can get through this night and tomorrow safely. Please go to the hospital.

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Melli, please go to the hospital. You never know until you try.

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Your girl needs you, melli. Nobody else will ever be the same for her. There is no replacement for her having you as she grows up. 

I know your life isn’t how you want it and that is terribly unfair. And I also know that there’s a part of you that is determined to be there for your kid and build the best life for yourself that you can. 

Thinking of you. 

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I hope the meds kicked in and you are ok. Still thinking of you ... .

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thinking of you melli.  I'm sorry the meds didn't take the voices right away--I've had that happen.  I hope they eventually did and you are feeling a bit better.

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Keep holding on to your small girl. Whatever it takes to get through this. 

Please keep trying, for everyone both IRL and here that your life touches, please try to make it through one more day. 

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I understand how overwhelming it is to look at the big picture of your life and struggles..

I get lost in mine as well..

You are doing the right thing and being responsible with your med order and taking them..

That says a lot and holds a lot of weight..

You have support here and within your family..

I'm sorry you're detatching..you will come back if you keep up with what you're doing..

Please don't be scared to talk to your partner about these things..

Stay around..you matter..you're right..you don't want to be another schizophrenic that hangs themselves..

Much love..

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I'm so sorry my friend. I can relate so much to the what else is there because yes, when you're on all the right stuff and doing all the things it still isn't enough and you wonder what the point of it all is... I hear you, I see you... and your small girl needs you, there is no replacing you. Please go to the hospital if it's still this bad by the time you see this. 

 

I love you. x

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i slept a really long time.

voices are still here.

i showed my husband my thread start.

he's upset and wants me to go in.

i called my psychiatrist to see if he could make it so i'm not trapped there if i go voluntarily.

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Thank God, Melli, you are ok. Yes, please go in. You will not be trapped there and you will be kept safe. Hopefully, they will find something to silence the voices. Just keep in mind your beautiful little girl. We so much want you well and not a statistic.

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Well done, Melli. Very proud of you for telling your husband.

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