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mellifluous

i think should probably go to the hospital, but it's pointless

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@mellifluous

Love you Melli. I hope you get help at the hospital. You so deserve to feel better and happy with your family and especially that amazing small girl of yours. I know it must have been so hard, but I really think you did the right thing. Thinking of you and sending support.  

Edited by Wonderful.Cheese
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hello everyone,

i'm out of IP as of today (which means i only spent five ish...six days in hospital this time...perhaps a record shortest stay. nevertheless, it may have been the most helpful time i've been in. 

i'm now in a step down residential program for one to two weeks. then, if you can believe my piss poor timing, i get on a plane with partner and daughter to australia to see my father at the end of june. but the psychiatrist was in favour of me keeping that as a good break and time with family.

i want to thank those of you who commented here and who wrote on my blog over the past couple of weeks when i was decompensating. i know it isn't easy to cope with someone who's abjectly suicidal and not interested in going IP. 

i don't know why this time was different, but at other times i've felt like i couldn't be unwell on here because everyone just yelled at me or offended me by calling me delusional and it was so unhelpful. it was hard to be vulnerable on here again but i was having such a case of the "fuck its" and self loathing and terror that i was going to ruin my daughter's life and absolutely MUST die...that i believed if i didn't get any kindness or support that was what i deserved. but i think @jt07's response to one of my blog entries, about my being "needed" here...i have no idea what you're referencing specifically (though i'd really like to if you're up for telling me so i know it's real), but it meant something huge to think i might not be entirely a negative force in the world. and, of course, @Schizophrenic_Sanity is an amazing friend for texting with me and being so super supportive. xx. i didn't expect so many others to reach out and i'm really grateful to those who sent me private messages (except the new person who sent me the "are you a TI person...though i get that you're looking for camaraderie, please don't poke my monster...) and attempted to connect with me in supportive/compassionate/willing to listen fashion. i know when i'm ill i feel completely unheard and disbelieved and terrified from my delusions.

i think it's time for me to put this somewhere, too. if i didn't already have a paranoid schizophrenia with command hallucinations and poor to fair insight diagnosis, and OCD with fair insight and ADHD ones...with panic w/agoraphobia disorder in remission...they would've diagnosed me with postpartum psychosis. instead of killing my child to save her, though, i turned on myself. 

postpartum psychosis is a really horrible thing and it devastates people. but talking about it is not something i'm comfortable with doing with anyone apart from my care team, who roughly said, you've already got the bases covered with your diagnoses and it really could be that or it could be your OCD traits manifested as your psychotic delusions. because my reason for being put in on a 5150 (i did turn in self...but then they assessed me and decided to commit me legally lest i wanted to leave....which i did...so...yeah, they were probably right to put me involuntary) was "admitting to "strong compulsion" to commit suicide and experiencing command hallucinations". 

i could've been a horrible story. not if i killed myself. i mean, i could've had my delusions manifest as me needing to save her by killing her. if you've ever been seriously delusional, and you lack insight, which i do when i am seriously so...i get it. i fear that makes me a monster but i don't know who reads these boards anymore and if there's someone who tries to google postpartum psychosis on this site...get help. ASAP. the drugs will help. you might need some injections...i'm not gonna lie...but you don't have to act out what the voices are saying to create the images they're inserting in your head. if you get help they can keep everyone, including you, but, also your children, of course. and everyone else. swerving your car into traffic or running into traffic...most suicides are messy and some involve ruining another's life you don't even know. i mean, i did have a plan that was a lot more "no muss no fuss" because i live less than a mile from the bridge... but any god that demands you kill another to ensure they are protected...or any demon...they are lying to you. not altogether unlike my command hallucinations lying to me and inserting gruesome images of me killing myself that i grew to see as just the egg that needs breaking to make an omelet.

anyway... i'm in a residential step down programme and will be for at least a week...and that means i have to be in bed within an hour and a half...maximum. but i wanted to share. and, again, to thank those of you posting on my blog and in threads i've started or replying to posts i've made. it really helped. and if you felt like you weren't able to be helpful or didn't know what to do...simply listening and being compassionate as those of you who've engaged with me in some form have been...that was so much what i needed. thank you. 

xx -melli

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Hi, Melli. It’s good to hear your voice. 

I’m so glad that the hospital helped you this time. It sounds as if you opened up about some hard things. Get some rest now. We’ll be here waiting when you’re ready.

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Welcome back, Melli! So glad you are back!

I'll be glad to expound on why you are needed here. You've been to hell and back with your MI and are uniquely able to give advice both to people who share your diagnosis and people with MI in general. I've seen you give excellent, excellent advice many times. This includes times when you yourself were sick. Add to that, the fact that you have friends here and people who care about you and it shows you just how needed you are. If anything happened to you, it would leave a big black hole here.

But I'd be amiss if I failed to add to all this that your family needs you too ... so so much. But you know this already.

I'm so glad you are back and are safe.

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@mellifluousI got to this thread late, but I am relieved to hear that you are OK and safe. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your experience here! People WILL come here and read people's threads...you never know when someone will turn here in a time of desperation and realize that others have been in the exact same Hell...fighting and surviving it every.damn.day. You are strong and you got this.

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