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xanathos

TW - I want to be in control of my death // forces that be.

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They told me my epival levels were low, and then the entities stopped moving my body towards the edge of the platform when the nurse practitioner gave me a pill doser.... I probably never updated that much.

How can I find a proper way to kill myself? If I kill myself, then I wake up somewhere else. If I die by any other means, even if they use force to make me kill myself, then I am erased. I greatly apologize if this is inappropriate, lately I'm deemed as such everywhere.

I''ve tried overdosing many a time, and I've been in and out of IP for almost 10 years (give or take). 

I just want to be in control of my death. The other option is really painful. From binging and purging my oesophagus is starting to tear because there is blood when I vomit.  But it's OK because I'm an obese blob.

I just want to die.

 

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i've never tried overdosing, but i don't think that's the most effective...i tend to be more straightforward in my attempts.

i'm not going to lay out my plans here.

i just read your post and wanted to say that i feel very strongly that i want to be lucid for my death. whatever that means.

and i'm sorry you're suffering so much right now.

xx

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I'm not sure but I think my birthday would be a better day to do anything...

I just distance myself from everyone.

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On 6/21/2018 at 10:42 AM, mellifluous said:

I most recently believed the countdown was until my bithday (which was last Wednesday, the 13th).  When is your birthday?

Mid July.

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I've felt for a long time that I couldn't die any way but suicide, status epilepticus, or accidental overdose. The latter two probably being mainly deliberate. I stepped under a bus in 2016 a week after I'd had my lithium pulled with no taper. Once I recovered physically I got dumped in the mental hospital. Then I escaped and stepped under a train. I don't have any idea how I survived that. The train had slowed down too much. I just got my head and arms cracked open again. More recently I overdosed on diazepam, whisky, and dihydrocodeine. I backed out of that at the last second out of worry for my loved ones, but when the ambulance arrived I'd changed my mind and was trying to get them to fuck off. I've had a long history of suicide attempts, starting with trying to drown myself when I was nine. (Abusive family.) I landed in the shallow part of the river and got so sick of trying to crawl through the mud that I got up and went home. Few other overdose attempts too, usually diazepam/dihydrocodeine/whisky. 

It's the hilarious part of being epileptic that I could off myself any time if I taped my head to my phone and put on something flashing off Youtube!

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On 8/16/2018 at 11:44 AM, Waterloo Sunset said:

I've felt for a long time that I couldn't die any way but suicide, status epilepticus, or accidental overdose. The latter two probably being mainly deliberate. I stepped under a bus in 2016 a week after I'd had my lithium pulled with no taper. Once I recovered physically I got dumped in the mental hospital. Then I escaped and stepped under a train. I don't have any idea how I survived that. The train had slowed down too much. I just got my head and arms cracked open again. More recently I overdosed on diazepam, whisky, and dihydrocodeine. I backed out of that at the last second out of worry for my loved ones, but when the ambulance arrived I'd changed my mind and was trying to get them to fuck off. I've had a long history of suicide attempts, starting with trying to drown myself when I was nine. (Abusive family.) I landed in the shallow part of the river and got so sick of trying to crawl through the mud that I got up and went home. Few other overdose attempts too, usually diazepam/dihydrocodeine/whisky. 

It's the hilarious part of being epileptic that I could off myself any time if I taped my head to my phone and put on something flashing off Youtube!

Sounds like you've been through a lot..

I'm glad you survived all the attempts and hopefully you feel the same way..

 

I worry about the op though..

I know xanathos comes and goes..

But mid July has come and gone..

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9 minutes ago, coraline said:

Sounds like you've been through a lot..

I'm glad you survived all the attempts and hopefully you feel the same way..

 

I worry about the op though..

I know xanathos comes and goes..

But mid July has come and gone..

I'm still here, life has just gotten in the way. Maybe that's a good thing.

I appreciate your concern, and did not mean to worry you.

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