It's been a long while since my last visit here, and even longer since last writing anything.
I don't know where to write this, or even what to write, but there really is no one else to talk to.
So... long story short, I attempted suicide about 6 months ago (not my first try), and obviously, failed at that, again. I have been in a relationship more or less 5 years now, and I guess I can summarize that into "it's complicated". Things have been going from bad to worse since the suicide attempt. To a point that few weeks ago, my (I don't know what to call him, "partner"?) was violent towards me (not really the first time this kind of thing has happened, but certainly the worst).
He so angry all the time (at me, I guess.. and certainly some of it is completely justified), it feels like he is expecting me to be "grateful" for him saving my life, and when I can't, it makes things even worse.
It doesn't really make things any easier, that we both have some pretty serious issues. Me with depression, and trauma-related dissociative "disorder" (?), or at least a tendency to dissociate in difficult situations. And he with alcohol abuse, and some traumas of his own.
Anyway, right now we are still living in the same house (he is occupying most of the space, and I am kind of living in my workroom) but we don't really have a "together-life". I don't have a lot of friends in general, and the few I have are living relatively far from where I live. My mother lives not-too-far-away, but we aren't very close, and I can't imagine talking to her about this.
I've been in this relationship for 5 years. We have a baby boy together. Much of the time we are happy together and are compatible. We want the same things out of life. I made a post on here over 2 years ago talking about domestic violence. He was violent towards me a lot. It was not just pushing and slapping. It was very, very violent (though nothing broken thankfully). It got better for a while. Then it returned and got better again. There's been a lot of arguing though, but that got better as well. He certainly has issues with anger, and I always believed it could be worked out with medication and therapy despite the severity.
There were a few shady instances. The most recent one is when he went missing. He claimed he was working late, when in reality he was with his friend who he claimed was suicidal. I was also self-harming at the time and he knew. Anyway, I never knew where he was until the next day. We also have issues with finances. He gets himself further and further into debt behind my back and tells me it is not my concern.
In January, his mother was murdered by her husband. Absolutely tragic and sent him spiraling. He refused to get help, but he did not revert back to being violent towards me. Our relationship was ok for a while. Until out of the blue he tells me he doesn't want me anymore. He doesn't love me anymore. This continues for a while. He avoids me and does not come home after work. He outright does not want to be around me. He claims it is because he cannot handle my own emotional instability and is tired of walking on eggshells. He says our relationship is toxic, and the way he feels towards me has changed. He soon asked me to leave, and at first, I didn't want to. I thought he needed me. Until his words got stronger, "What would it take for you to leave." And that was when I took our son and left. I was a stay at home mom, and so I had nothing. I left the state with our 3-year-old to stay with family.
I told him not to make any big decisions until we take some time a part because of what happened with his mom. I strongly believed that was what this was over. So technically, we were still together and just taking some time away from each other. He agreed. Three days later, he took our engagement status (we never got legally married) off of facebook. When I called him, he said he knew we were done. So began to move forward with my life. 2 weeks later, I went to get my things and he began to tell me he made a mistake, but also said he did not know what he wanted. So I got my things and left.
A few days later, he calls and says he wants me back. At this point, We had been a part for a total of 6 weeks (including the few days I was there getting my things). I've been living in a different state. He only once saw a grief counselor like we agreed upon before I ever left. However, he said he would do anything for me. I'm not sure what to do. He was violent with me in the past, although that stopped. He said he didn't want me. He wasn't doing anything to prove it to me, and at this point, I started dating someone else (nothing serious). My family seems insistent I should return to try again or at least get past any unresolved feelings, but I'm at a total loss. My heart breaks to hear him upset and wanting me back. But I cannot deny that I may feel happier where I am now, but there's not telling that it will last.
I endured neglect / abuse from my biological mother from the ages of 0-4...so yeah, I have issues. One of my biggest is anxiety in relationships. I have an amazing boyfriend who I KNOW I can trust deep down. However, I still have anxiety, panic attacks and turn into a mess when he does something as simple as go out with friends. I know this is so irrational, and I have nothing to worry about (except my irrationality driving him away). I just want to be "normal" and say "bye, have a great time" and just hang out at home, get a hobby, etc. But I find myself sitting here paranoid and anxious as hell. And then I text. And then I ask when he'll be home. And then I ask who he's with ... if you've experienced it, you get it. I'm at a loss of what to do. I've been on a cocktail of meds in the past year and diagnosed with everything from bipolar to borderline, and finally I have a doctor that I think I can trust. He's told me anxiety with a bit of PTSD is my main problem, and has put me on Zoloft starting at 50mg.
I'm looking for anyone who has attachment anxiety on here to let me know if Zoloft has helped at all? And if so, what has -- medication wise and therapy wise?
Long story short, I only recently realized what I experienced as a child was abuse. I have not been diagnosed with PTSD but have been told I am suffering from the trauma caused by this abuse.
This realization, along with recent actions by this person, have caused me to relive this trauma, and I am broken. I've recently gotten some distance from my abuser, but not much. They happen to be a family member and the rest of my family doesn't want to cut them out. Which is their right, but makes it impossible to get away.
Every time I hear this person's name, or any detail that makes me think of them, I get a panic attack and feel sick and I can't stop crying. I can't get this person out of my life. I live at home, have no job, no money, (at least not enough to get me somewhere else) and no options.
I am trying to find a new tdoc, which is very difficult, but even if I found the right person tomorrow, there are years of therapy ahead. I don't know how to hold on in the meantime. It is only a matter of time before this person will re-enter my life in a much bigger way, and I have no control over that.
I see no light, I am angry with the concept of hope, I just want to run. But I have nowhere to go, no friends either. It's just that this is killing me, I feel like I'm dying inside. I don't know what to do.
I will see my pdoc this week, but I'm not optimistic.
Thanks for reading.
When I was 5 and younger my father sexually abused my two older sisters. I was forced to watch as well as get naked on occasion. I can not remember if I was further involved or not. He would do awful things to them. He would hit me and yell at me if I turned away or wanted to go do something else. The harder part of these fragmented memories of the abuse is that I did not try to stop it or say something to mom. I just accepted it, watched it, and obeyed. I feel guilty and responsible. I have not asked for forgiveness because I do not really know how to approach the question. I have fear around the whole thing, I remember my dad yelling at me and throwing my naked sister around the room, we were both crying. These images sometimes resurface for no reason and they make me feel incredibly disgusting inside as well as extremely guilty.
My father also put my mom through a door and used to abuse her in front of us as well. The other things he would do is try to scare us every moment he could, by creeping up behind us and staring at us until we turned around then would make a loud noise while making a scary face. He did that to us constantly. I remember when we left, I was 5, my father came out to the car and started punching my mom in the face, chest and arm. That scared me too.
Two doctors who have interviewed me say I have experienced trauma, two group therapy counsellors who have both asked me, after speaking of other topics about my dad, if I believe that I have been traumatized by him. I would have to say yes, but I do not really see the impact now. I do have trouble being confident around men, especially alpha male types. Not only do they intentionally attempt to be intimidating they are usually bigger than me. I have not thought to aim that blame at my abusive, bullying, pedofile father. I have always thought my issue with males was the fact I am only 5ft 7inches tall.
One doc said I may be experiencing some PTSD symptoms but not the full gambit. I am looking for advice; should I pursue the diagnosis and if so should I tell my sisters? I fear that it will not be received well by them because I was not the one being actively sexually abused. They had it far worse. I have schizoaffective bipolar disorder as well as ADHD, so my world is already hard and fucked up. Should I go ahead and open up this box of shit also?