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HowlingWolf

Evil Queens are Princesses that were Never Saved Part 2

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I've been in this relationship for 5 years. We have a baby boy together. Much of the time we are happy together and are compatible. We want the same things out of life. I made a post on here over 2 years ago talking about domestic violence. He was violent towards me a lot. It was not just pushing and slapping. It was very, very violent (though nothing broken thankfully). It got better for a while. Then it returned and got better again. There's been a lot of arguing though, but that got better as well. He certainly has issues with anger, and I always believed it could be worked out with medication and therapy despite the severity. 

There were a few shady instances. The most recent one is when he went missing. He claimed he was working late, when in reality he was with his friend who he claimed was suicidal. I was also self-harming at the time and he knew. Anyway, I never knew where he was until the next day. We also have issues with finances. He gets himself further and further into debt behind my back and tells me it is not my concern.

In January, his mother was murdered by her husband. Absolutely tragic and sent him spiraling. He refused to get help, but he did not revert back to being violent towards me. Our relationship was ok for a while. Until out of the blue he tells me he doesn't want me anymore. He doesn't love me anymore. This continues for a while. He avoids me and does not come home after work. He outright does not want to be around me. He claims it is because he cannot handle my own emotional instability and is tired of walking on eggshells. He says our relationship is toxic, and the way he feels towards me has changed. He soon asked me to leave, and at first, I didn't want to. I thought he needed me. Until his words got stronger, "What would it take for you to leave." And that was when I took our son and left. I was a stay at home mom, and so I had nothing. I left the state with our 3-year-old to stay with family.

I told him not to make any big decisions until we take some time a part because of what happened with his mom. I strongly believed that was what this was over. So technically, we were still together and just taking some time away from each other. He agreed. Three days later, he took our engagement status (we never got legally married) off of facebook. When I called him, he said he knew we were done. So began to move forward with my life. 2 weeks later, I went to get my things and he began to tell me he made a mistake, but also said he did not know what he wanted. So I got my things and left. 

A few days later, he calls and says he wants me back. At this point, We had been a part for a total of 6 weeks (including the few days I was there getting my things). I've been living in a different state. He only once saw a grief counselor like we agreed upon before I ever left. However, he said he would do anything for me. I'm not sure what to do. He was violent with me in the past, although that stopped. He said he didn't want me. He wasn't doing anything to prove it to me, and at this point, I started dating someone else (nothing serious). My family seems insistent I should return to try again or at least get past any unresolved feelings, but I'm at a total loss. My heart breaks to hear him upset and wanting me back. But I cannot deny that I may feel happier where I am now, but there's not telling that it will last.

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I don't know if this is just an info dump that you want to get off of your chest, or if the question is whether or not you should go back to him, but my personal advice is- move on from this relationship. If he had been nothing but a great guy until his mother's murder, then sure, perhaps it would be worth working on it together. But this is someone who was violent and aggressive. Abuse is often cyclical. To be honest, once I read that he had hurt you, my immediate reaction was get out of there. People are allowed to be complicated and have issues, some people are better at open and honest communication than others. But they aren't allowed to beat up their partner and parent of their child. I really, really recommend taking this opportunity to move on from this guy and make a new start. 

Are your family aware that he was violent towards you? Do you have a tdoc you can talk to this about?

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I agree with the above assessment.  The relationship does not sound healthy and he has not done anything to show that he's really willing to work on himself.

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Run. Before he does something you can’t justify. Before he does something, psychological or physical, that won’t heal. Before your kid learns this is normal.

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You write very coherently so you aren't dumb at all. You're better than this dickhead. I'm no expert on romance but I don't think love and violence go together. You can do a hell of a lot better. The guy sounds awful dear and I hope you find someone better.

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On 7/20/2018 at 12:31 PM, HowlingWolf said:

And that was when I took our son and left. I was a stay at home mom, and so I had nothing. I left the state with our 3-year-old to stay with family.

My dad was a terror. She took as three kids far away from him and waited awhile before he could visit or see us at all. My mother was a stay at home mom and she really didn't know how to proceed. Basically, my pulled out the map and my mom asked my older sister where to go and she pointed to where I live now. 

We had no money, no clue on where we would live and my mom had very little work experience. 

She did the best she could with us, working three min wage jobs so we could live in a dilapidated trailer in the boonies. It was riddled with carpenter ants and mold and all sorts of shit. But it was a roof over our heads.

She protected us from him. It was necessary to leave. You have a baby boy. Babies take on behaviors that people display around them. You don't want your boy to grow into an abusive person. He will repeat it, and he may even repeat it towards you. Remember also, that as the kiddo grows they will be sad that they don't have the other parent. I was. 

It is not your job right now to replace him. It is your job to stay safe and keep your boy safe. It is time to remove the abuse from your lives. Keep a close eye on any other prospects you bring into your home. Also, you need to immediately tell them that your son is priority over them. If they hurt you then you severe that tie right away. 

He could beg you to stay, he could say he made mistakes. He can be all remorseful. But

On 7/20/2018 at 12:31 PM, HowlingWolf said:

It got better for a while. Then it returned and got better again.

As you say. It just keeps returning.

Sorry, I do not know if you wanted this kind of response. Plus, it's a long post at that. I hope nothing has erupted since you originally posted. But, it might get harder than you thought to go through this, going back to an abusive situation is unhealthy for you and your child.

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Thank you all for your responses. The last time he was abusive towards me was over a year ago. I still think a lot of why he acted this way in the end was from what happened to his mother. The abuse I believe is greatly from his own depression which I tried to help him with. He was fine towards me when he saw a therapist and was on meds. He always brought me flowers and I lived a life where I could do whatever I wanted (he made enough to support the three of us on his own). 

We've been apart for two months now. I started dating someone new. My now ex is sending me flowers and cards saying how much he loves me and apologizing for everything. I cannot deny that I miss him and all the fun we had together. We had so many similar interests. Things were so good that the memories of the abuse don't even seem real, but they did happen. So did a lot of lying. Part of me wants to go back and think that it won't ever happen again. But there are so many what ifs. Going through the abuse and the way he made me leave again would be even harder if I had to do it again. But would it happen again? It is so hard.

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There is no justification for abuse. I don't care what the reasons are. It seems you are being told to run by this board. I would listen to what they are saying. 

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I get the desire to reconnect and to have all the good parts back. It's worth acknowledging that the good parts can be really good, and that it can be really difficult to give them up. But, and it's a big but, the good times don't redeem the bad. Two rights don't correct a wrong, especially a wrong that involves physical violence. No one can predict what a future relationship between the two of you would look like, but from what you've described already, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to go back to. You can find someone who shares your interests, looks out for you, who also doesn't abuse you and kick you out of the house. Flowers are great, but don't let it cloud your judgement over what else happened. 

I like the quote in your signature, it's not a failure if you learn something from it. I can't claim my abusive relationship as my failure (since I wasn't the abusive one), but it was definitely a learning experience. The only way you win in this kind of game is by not playing all together. Getting out is the victory. It is hard to move on, but it's worth it.

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I still have not returned. I am getting a little pressure from my mom, but she is not aware of the abuse. Even without that, I'm not sure if I really would return, even though, admittedly, I want to. Thank you all for your support. This has been extremely difficult for me and there are days where I'm still in denial. And I have never heard of any cycles with regards to partner violence. I've had relationships before this one that were also abusive, but those were more black and white and the decision for me to leave was much easier than it is now. 

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1 hour ago, HowlingWolf said:

I still have not returned. I am getting a little pressure from my mom, but she is not aware of the abuse. Even without that, I'm not sure if I really would return, even though, admittedly, I want to.

The longer you wait the more you will regain yourself. I am assuming, but from experience, you have now witnessed a traumatic experience, you are the victim. This is already on the table. From what I know this trama can manifest behaviors and thoughts that remove you from your core. Maybe you don't like being alone, maybe you think it's the best that it gets, maybe you think the abuse wasn't that bad. Maybe there is love in the ether around your mind. Whatever the case is you have not returned, this bodes well. Abusive people can change, with help and distance, if they don't change without you they won't change with you. 

I am glad you found support here. Keep holding onto surviving. You deserve to be you, all of you, every breath should be free. It might be time to focus on your mental freedom. 

I want to inject my fear, your baby boy will soak up daddies morals, emotional regulation, and his reactions. That precious child will turn to the darkness and possibly do the most tragic thing that he could, repeat the abuse and even project it on to you. If you feel that the abuse can be eradicated then ask him to seek help professionally. Give him time to do that, don't agree to go back while he is in process. Give him the room to grow. And don't give him expectations. Tell him that he needs to do that for himself and it may not guarantee you coming back, but it may give him a case to see his kid. You have to protect the precious one. 

Thank you for coming to us with this. Thanks for being willing to save your hearts and minds from potential permanent harm. Be safe, abusive people can lash out and become very desperate.

 

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Thank you for the responses. Unfortunately, I do believe my son's behavior is affected by what happened. My family that I stay with give him everything he wants and does not correct poor behavior. They make excuses for him and it's been getting worse and worse. 

My ex reaches out to me from time to time. Tries to entice me to return with I love you and what not. Pissed off, I said some things to him that were negative and he certainly took it badly. Now I'm crossing my fingers hoping he lets it go instead of doing anything about it. But him reaching out makes things difficult. I find myself thinking I don't deserve any better. No one else would ever want me. Those sorts of thoughts is where I've come to. 

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