umm relapse// first post

[bear//faced]

I kind of made this account on a whim at 3 in the morning on a thursday but i guess i just want to rant

Ive been clean for about two years no sometimes i did little things to hurt myself but nothing  i never considered that """self harm""" i guess because i couldnt get in trouble for it// I relapsed for real last weekend and while i was doing it i liked it and it "took me back" i guess// But now i regret it so much, the florida summer is not forgiving and ive been wearing thick crewnecks every day// i forgot how much the aftermath sucked but i still want to do it again// Ive been seeking out triggering content nearly every day stuff on instagram mostly// Its not helping and im getting more depressed every day// I was supposed to hang out with my friend before he left for Europe but i canceled because i was so anxious to leave the house  also to go to his house alone// Ive been canceling plans a week in advance, that ive had planned for weeks// i left my house yesterday to go the mall and wondered around for 2 hours alone// mostly this is a rant about how shitty ive been feeling for the past week. sorry// probably never going to post again idk

https://soundcloud.com/premeseams/bearface-quiver?in=popsiclesordeath/sets/ciaran-2

 

Edited August 2, 2018 by bear//faced

[bear//faced]

one sentience redacted because it violated the guidelines 

[Gearhead]

Hi, bear///faced. Welcome to CB. Thank you for self-redacting; it’s very thoughtful. You’re off to a good start.

We’re glad to have you. Please feel free to PM me or any of the other mods if you need help with the site.

Gearhead

[Fluent In Silence]

That's a pretty good song you posted there. Hadn't heard of them before. 3am whims rarely work out good but you've found a group of people who can understand those crappy thoughts and the damaging things they may lead to. I used to self harm and yeah, I know why you do it but the aftermath does suck. I can't wear Speedos because of the scars. Luckily I don't want to wear Speedos because that's not a good look when you have a bit of a belly like I do.

That's not me by the way. It would be incredibly fucking weird if it was and I'd posted a picture of me in Speedos in response to your post. Nope, just saying that I get it and that a lot of people here do too. And fuck knows how I got on to Speedos but we all have our dark thoughts and miserable crap so it's ok to rant.

Edited August 2, 2018 by Fluent In Silence

[echolocation]

we love ranting here. sorry you've been having a hard time -- i'm familiar with cancelling plans, and i'm familiar with wandering soullessly around the mall for hours. one of my favourite activities when i'm feeling poorly, really.

if you can, stop looking for triggering content. it's a vicious circle. i'm a big fucking hypocrite, though, because even though i'm clean for four months or something i still look up pictures of SH on the reg. it never feels good at all. it makes me want to SH. i get really close, and then i remember the cleanup, and the hiding, and suddenly it's less appealing than it was. but i still always want to.

a bit of a ramble. looking forward to maybe seeing you around the boards. we'd love to have you aboard. :-)

[Fluent In Silence]

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound insensitive. Just thought that a fat guy in Speedos might make you laugh and distract you from thoughts of doing such things. Did I sound insensitive or am I being paranoid?  Better safe than sorry I guess. My thighs really are a mess and when I read about other people self harming I want to tell them to stop, but I can also understand why you do it.