This is something I’m thinking about a lot lately. People without a mental illness don’t understand the costs we have: broken relationships, lost jobs, and poor spending episodes (putting it mildly). Add in all the costs of meds, doctor visits, therapy appointments - I didn’t choose this, but it is what it is.
Staying on meds, for me, has created some stability after years without any. But now I face homelessness in a couple days unless a miracle occurs. I’m pissed off at myself for HAVING this, although I can’t control that I do.
I’ve been depressed for quite a while, but still able to get to work. Over a year ago, when first diagnosed, I was off a few months, a total wreck, and am still crawling out from the financial fallout. Last month the pdoc added a new med. Within a week, I was hearing voices (not something I do) and was terribly depressed and had suicidal ideation. I quit the med and felt better within a week. During that time I took two days off work and hibernated, feeling hopeless and majorly depressed the first day. The next day I went to the pdoc and told her the effects of the new med I’d stopped. I went because my work demands a dr note to return to work. Telling her I felt like crap but have to work because I’m alone and have no back-up for money, I needed the note. She refused and said I’d get no note until I went through IOP. I went and after week 3 I told a dr there I’m ok and can’t continue because I must work. Got the note, no problem. They said they wanted me to stay off at least 2 more weeks, maybe more, but gave me the release. *sigh*
Been back at work a couple wks and doing pretty well. The first of the month came and I had no way to pay my rent. A small disability pymt was expected but hadn’t arrived (not enough for rent anyway). The way our pay works, and since I was gone 3 wks, no pay for me until the end of the month.
Yesterday I came home to a 3 day notice on my door. The property management is a big corporation and not willing to even give a few days and see from my dr release I’ve been out, doctor’s orders. I’ve asked a couple of people but they can’t help. I’m sad that I’ve failed. Loathing myself and my illness at all right now, I’m just hit in the face how much having this sucks.
The costs go way beyond buying something one doesn’t need. Even when doing things the way they’re supposed to be done, it still can bite ya in the butt. Tired. Exhausted. Fed up.
My partner died 3 months ago of a heroin overdose. It was extremely traumatic, as you can imagine. He is not my first partner to pass away in this manner. He and I unfortunately only got to be together for 3 months and it was unlike any relationship I had ever had. I let my guards down and allowed myself to be loved and I truly loved him. Our relationship was amazing until he relapsed. It was recognized to me by many people after he died that our relationship was very unique and that not many people get to have something like that ever. He was my soul mate. I was with a man for 5 years and never felt that kind of connection.
His death has left a void. I acted recklessly, hooked up with people, reached out to people who didn't respect or care about me, and of course never felt connected (obviously unhealthy behavior).
I was also sexually assualted by someone I really trusted just a month after his death and am in the process of court cases.
But I met this guy and it was weird. He's perfect and has been wonderful and understanding in the short time we've been involved, but it hasn't been very long since my partner's death. I've questioned all of my motivations as well as his and feel insecure, but ultimately we have genuine well-intentioned feelings for each other. I worry I need more time alone, but he makes me feel happy in the capacity that another person is able and we have a wonderful thing going.
Now I feel extremely guilty. Every time I realize I'm happy, I just stop and feel overwhelming guilt.
I also have developed incredibly low self esteem since my partner died. It is so hard for me to accept that this man is genuine and cares and desires me and isn't just going to abandon me as soon as open up and I trust him.
I feel conflicted. I want this. I do. And he knows what's going on and has been completely accepting of me. He even is willing to go slow and give me space to grieve. But I feel like I'm abandoning my dead partner even though in reality he abandoned me.
Feedback, love, and support would be great.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of money in a month. pretty much all on books and comics. I've never donet hat before. never. I was always "the cheap kid". my brother would be taking limosines to parties and I'd be going to maybe 1 movie a month.
books. that's what I spent litearlly hundreds on this month. books.
I lost the one thing I ahd. I feel like a demon, a parasite. especially since I had an argument with my mom over job stuff. I just started loking for a part time job again, but I don't want her to think everything esle I said that day didn't count. so I can't ask for any more moeny. I can't. I can't let them know
after rent is taken out, I'll have $10 left. I have some cheques I can cash, but that'll take a few days to go thru.
feeling suicidal. feeling worthless.
I just wanted to efel happy. I wanted to read about people like me. I wanted to escape. and be seen. I just. I never thought this would happen
what the hell is wrong with me
fiancee says a friend of hers with depression did this. is it possible this is somehting to do with that?
My son is 4 months old now. He is overcoming colic, struggles with acid reflux, and is constantly wanting to be held every waking moment. He fights when eating, sleeps well though, and is way ahead in his development. He is quite the handful and while I should be proud of his early accomplishments, I'm too busy feeling distressed over his high demands.
Being out and about helps my depression, it eases the sleepiness, and the down feelings. I feel energetic and accomplished as well as more lively. I love outdoor activities, but had to stop at 8 months pregnant (was vigorously still hiking up to this point) and have done none of it since. At 4 months old, I rarely go out, and when I do it is very short trips. After an hour he screams like he is dying. He refuses to eat or sleep. I live 2 hours from the closest friend and family member. 8 hours away from the family I am closest to and haven't seen them in a year. I am going stir crazy/have cabin fever from being confined to home with such short trips. I find an hour long trip such a tease. I've been asking others what the hell should I do to resolve his behavior? I cannot go anywhere without a screaming baby. He does not let up no matter what I try to do. I went to try and visit friends, he cried the entire 8 hours we were there until we got home and then he crashed. I feel like I'm on house arrest! Anyway, I'm being told I'm selfish for taking him out for longer than an hour because it makes him miserable.
I feel guilty because rather than being happy with him, I'm so miserable because I cannot go anywhere without ridicule. I keep trying to get ideas, but I cannot afford a babysitter or daycare. We have no family near by so I'm told to suck it up and be on house arrest. Yet, I'm supposed to go see family in a month for the holidays, the family in another state that I am so close to. It's my grandparents. They aren't getting any younger and they stepped in my dad's position when he turned his back to me. So I feel devastated. I'm not mad at anyone over it, but I feel guilty for being upset and still trying to make him get used to getting out more. It is seeming to have the reverse effect. I am constantly miserable because of this.
By sleepy borderline
She lets him utilize her- one two three times. As if she was a simple house appliance,
a towel to wipe himself on, perhaps,
Anticipating the frame of him crushes her weakness like a bug.
He has delayed all of her judgments,
like a stopwatch time now moves slowly
He has sucked up the last of her bitter tears like a
mosquito sucking blood from a man on the verge of death.
He thinks of her only a dark, wet hovel, empty and not
so much of anything pretty. Like something you would find in the street,
the gutter, or dirty, in the ground, in the woods.
She pretends to have fun, like an actress. Only she wins no love for her performances, no.
He is full of ' it' too, she cynically believes
his act is as hopeless as a sweaty salesman's and twice as sleazy
One silent harmony does occur within the night though
like a despondent song between the willingly mute.
and hence how desperate they were was the only common land
they failed to see they stood on together