Am I abusive?

[Juniper29]

This is hard to even write. I have this terrible fear that I'm an abusive parent to my preschool-aged child. I've had this fear for a while but haven't really brought it up in therapy. I don't currently have an OCD dx but my tdoc and pdoc both keep mentioning OCD so maybe I'm headed for one? You all can tell me if this sounds OCDish or not.

Basically my fear is that I've done abusive things but I don't remember. Like if I read about a child whose parent hit them, I start thinking, "Have I hit my son? I don't remember doing that but what if I did in a moment of anger and then forgot?" I also worry that I have emotionally abused him or neglected him. I do lose patience and yell sometimes (which I am working on) but just things like "Stop doing that!" but I worry that I have yelled abusive things and forgotten about them. As far as neglect, I worry that I have neglected him because the apartment is messy (normal messy, I do clean it) or because I didn't give him enough attention. If he falls down and cries and I don't respond for a second I wonder if that's neglect, even though I know rationally it's better not to make too big a deal when they bump or scrape themselves etc. I also worry that other people present will think it's neglect, and that CPS will be called and take my son away because of these things.

I don't think I really have any compulsions related to this, unless periodically asking my husband and close family members if they think I am an abusive parent counts?

Not really sure what I'm asking here. Any insight, suggestions, anyone can relate?

[Sync]

Obvious disclaimer that we can't diagnose, we aren't doctors, etc etc. That said, what you're describing sounds pretty similar to some of my harm OCD symptoms.

I have a lot of obsessions with my OCD about hurting someone and not realizing it. Pre-meds I used to keep being afraid I'd hit someone with my car and I'd drive round and round in circles looking. I'd finish a check, see nobody, and then go "oh no what if I missed them" and drive around in a loop again. I've also had obsessions about accidentally hurting people in a variety of other ways.

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unless periodically asking my husband and close family members if they think I am an abusive parent counts?

It could. I've been known to repeatedly ask for reassurance from people as a compulsion.

Compulsions could also be something like repeatedly going over an event in your mind trying to "check" for signs that <X> happened. Doesn't always have to be physical actions. 

There's also an OCD subtype that has obsessions but no compulsions. 

[CrazyRedhead]

13 hours ago, Juniper29 said:

This is hard to even write. I have this terrible fear that I'm an abusive parent to my preschool-aged child. I've had this fear for a while but haven't really brought it up in therapy. 

IMO, I would highly recommend telling your pdoc and therapist that you're having these fears, so they can come up with a plan to possibly help you overcome them.

Based on what you've said in your post, these fears are really bothering you, and the only way your doc and therapist will know is if you tell them......I know it's not easy, but you will need to let them know about these thoughts so they can help.

[Juniper29]

8 hours ago, Sync said:

Obvious disclaimer that we can't diagnose, we aren't doctors, etc etc. That said, what you're describing sounds pretty similar to some of my harm OCD symptoms.

I have a lot of obsessions with my OCD about hurting someone and not realizing it. Pre-meds I used to keep being afraid I'd hit someone with my car and I'd drive round and round in circles looking. I'd finish a check, see nobody, and then go "oh no what if I missed them" and drive around in a loop again. I've also had obsessions about accidentally hurting people in a variety of other ways.

It could. I've been known to repeatedly ask for reassurance from people as a compulsion.

Compulsions could also be something like repeatedly going over an event in your mind trying to "check" for signs that <X> happened. Doesn't always have to be physical actions. 

There's also an OCD subtype that has obsessions but no compulsions. 

Thanks for sharing your experience. I’ve also had fears about hitting people with my car but I didn’t connect it with these worries.

49 minutes ago, CrazyRedhead said:

IMO, I would highly recommend telling your pdoc and therapist that you're having these fears, so they can come up with a plan to possibly help you overcome them.

Based on what you've said in your post, these fears are really bothering you, and the only way your doc and therapist will know is if you tell them......I know it's not easy, but you will need to let them know about these thoughts so they can help.

Yeah, I know. I’ve only recently realized that this could be a symptom of my MI and not just proof that I am a horrible person.

[echolocation]

i'm OCD spectrum and this sounds a lot like what i do. i worry when i hold sharps that i'm going to mess up somehow and cut myself, and have to keep very close focus to what i'm doing (mentally retracing and explaining every step in my mind) to make sure i haven't cut myself. i also worry that i've done something to my friends to make them hate me and retrace hangouts to look for offensive things i've said or done. when it gets bad i have to ask if they hate me because i can't convince myself they don't.

talk to your pdoc/tdoc. this sounds like a rumination/fear that can be managed with therapy techniques/medication.