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An interesting situation...


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I'm taking this post out of my springer thread (hope that's okay mods!) because I'm kind of curious to get several opinions on this thing...given my innate insecurities and such. And hey, I haven't posted here in a while so I figured I might as well.

Because this isn't my springer thread, I won't go into many details, just the generalities.

The past:

There is a boy I've liked on my dorm floor for quite a while. For quite a while I also wasn't sure if he liked me or not. We've been good friends...and I've been liking him. He has a long distance girlfriend who's a junior in high school back home.

The incident:

This past weekend my friends and I threw a birthday party for my roommate. It was big. Lots of alcohol. Lots of fun. Halfway through the party I was hanging out with the boy and some other people. Drinking. Talking. Having fun. He was a little drunk, but not too much, as was I.

Anyway, he put his arm around me. And kept it there. For a while. He also was playfully stealing my drinks and telling me that if I didn't drink them faster he would.

The question (and the reason for this post):

What does this mean? Does he like me? I mean...I'm still kind of in a state of shock...and I don't know what to think. Especially because I'm still dealing with those issues of "why would anyone want me".

That's about it. I'm curious as to what'cha ya'll think. Hope posting this isn't too bad...  ;)

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Danica-

I have read through a bunch of your posts about this before responding and gave it a lot of thought.

Lots of alcohol... I was hanging out with the boy and some other people. Anyway, he put his arm around me. And kept it there. For a while. He also was playfully stealing my drinks and telling me that if I didn't drink them faster he would.
This is actually from one of your other posts, when you two were by yourselves:

I was hanging out with him....and he just being very... juvenile.....and I don't know if it was in that fun playful way that I like...or something else.

...What the hell was that?

...Is he mad at me or something?

You mentioned earlier in that post that you felt like you had been saying stupid things lately... so he seems to make you feel more  and more insecure now when you are by yourselves. Which sucks.

It seems as though you guys used to be friends, or better friends, and this sort of crap is really getting in the way. You enjoy the flirty attention that he gives you and he probably knows this. And loves it. And that fucks up friendships like nothing else.

I am not clear on whether you started on even ground, truly as friends or if you were interested in him romantically/attracted to him feom the start, but it sounds like it is getting really messed up.

It sounds like he is screwing with you. Not necessarily that he is meaning to. People like attention and do stupid stuff and hurt people's feelings in the process. But it sounds like he 'teases' you- which you find endearing, and I find to be assholish- around other people, and acts more blatantly like a juvenile jerk when you are alone.

But the fact that he isn't acting like an out right asshole says that he probably isn't an outright asshole.

Just being, as you said in one of your posts, young and in a long distance relationship at college.

But it's no excuse to act like an idiot.

Maybe you both just really like having attention from someone, and especially when other people are around. A lot of times you talk about alcohol and groups of people being factors in the confusion and I just think you need to not put yourself in this situation anymore, and he needs to stop teasing/flirting.

Or this will all just bust up what probably started as a good friendship.

Which might be all he really wants. 13 yearolds threaten to pour drinks on your head and knock stuff out of your hand. 18 year olds who do are either trying to tell you they just want to be a friend and joke around or are clearly at the emotional/intellectual level of a 13 year old.

It sounds like a game of you know that he knows that you know he knows you liiiiike him. Maybe, you think. But it sounds like it isn't really any fun. It sounds confusing and messy and a pain in the ass and more and more hurtful by the day.

And it's really doing shit for your self-esteem.

If you need to question yourself when you are around someone, or question their motives often, something is wrong. The relationship-in whatever form it takes- or how the person presents themself.

The hope is that this boy may be interested in people outside of his relationship, that may include you, he may break up with his girlfriend, he may want to date some time in the near future, and he may want to date you. You are putting a big emotional investment into something that, honestly, has a good chance of not having a happy ending.

There is probably someone less confusing and more available.

At least think about it.

It occurred to me that you seem to jump to the conclusion that when guys and girls hang out they are interested in eachother romantically.

It might just be in the context of this guy.

I don't know if this is true or not.  If it is, you might be limiting yourself by limiting your friends or thinking of guys in terms of dating first and friends second.

It's hard to not do that though.

Now, the other side of all that is to look at him and ask him to explain his behavior- starting with the headfuckage.

Be prepared to cite specifics- times, dates, witnesses.

~navy~

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I wasn't jumping to any conclusion about when guys and girls hang out. Far from it. I have several guy friends that I hang out with on a regular basis. Believe me, I know that there's nothing romantically interesting about that!

In fact, until earlier in this past week and saturday I didn't even know if he was/could be attracted to me! I was just attempting to live my life, be his friend...see him now and then and enjoy having a crush.

It is worth noting that I did not choose to hang out with him very frequently...just two or three times a week maybe. Recently though, HE has been the one coming to ME to get me to come over. HE has been the one doing all of this stuff. I have initiated anything, or changed my behavior in any way!

Sigh... it's always hard to post things like this on here, because, I understand, you guys arn't up close and personal like I and my friends are.

Guess I just have to go with what my tdoc said earlier today...

My tdoc said that given everything I've told her (which is, of course, a considerably greater amount than what I've posted her) and given the situations, she does believe that there is something..."percolating" in her words. Neither she, nor I, nor my friends know what it is. But there's something there.....

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You ask for opinions. I gave them.

I am not a progessional marriage counselor but because it is not something you want to hear, it doesn't mean it is necessarily wrong. 

Sigh... it's always hard to post things like this on here, because, I understand, you guys arn't up close and personal like I and my friends are.

If you can't take the responses you get from what you post- post in a different way, look at the responses in a different way, or post something else.

Just because there is 'something' there, it doesn't mean it is always good.

I don't like seeing people drag themselves on the damn floor and willfully confuse themselves and subject themselves to something that might not be good for them simply because they are suffering from ''why would anyone want me'' syndrome.

You do drink a lot. With him often times. He confuses you, makes you feel stupid, and I have YET to hear why this guy is so great. Since you asked for opinions.

If you want to hear reasons why he is good for you and you should  pursue him despite all this AND the fact that he is in a relationship, you won't get them from most people.

And it isn't because they DON'T respect you.

It's because they DO respect you.

I would rather not encourage you to pursue a complex relationship while you are still trying to get a handle on your depression- which has really been effecting your schoolwork. That they will not encourage you to go out drinking and to keep getting stressed. *That* is why people may have tried to point out to you they thought you were focusing on this too much.

NOT to hurt your feelings.

I am not going to say 'go for it', because I think it is a bad idea.

I am not going to tell you what you want to hear. It's bullshit and it isn't right.

...

I think I'm done talking about this for right now.

~navy~

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I didn't mean to offend you.... I'm sorry.

I purposely said that I understand that you guys can't make judgements that easily because you arn't here.

And I did ask for opinons...and I am grateful to get them.

That doesn't mean I can't disagree with them. It doesn't have to do with "what I wnat to hear" or something. It's just.... you're wrong. And I do know that because you make a hell of a lot of assumptions about what is exactly going on here and what I feel about it based on the words that I do write about it on this board.

Edit: I thought of way to explain better the posts that I've made in my springer thread. You know how they always say that the people who arn't happy are the ones who are speaking up? And that people who are content don't necssarily do the same? Like it's the complainers who are the loudest, and if you only listen to them it can give you a distorted picture.

That's basically my life.

When I come here to post, as opposed to just reading, I normally post things that are...not so wonderful. I don't post all the good things that happen, necessarily - I do post some, of course. So, I understand that when reading my posts there can be a very distorted picture of my life presented. And so I don't necessarily blame you for the assumptions you make, becuase, I guess, based on just the words you read they arn't necessarily invalid.

But they're still wrong.

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Ok, Danica. I wasn't gonna reply to this because frankly I'm getting annoyed at the 13yr old "He punched me and ran, does that mean he likes me?" shit - again.

However I feel I must step up now. Listen up:

You have no right to post half-truths and then jump all over someone for answering your post based on them. If you post only negative things about people, you will get negative replies back. You don't want honest opinions about info you post, then DON'T post.

Navy was right on when she responded to you. Your depression should be handled first. You shouldn't set yourself up to be with a guy who is already in a relationship. You should NOT be drinking. At all. Period. Not good for the depression. Not good for the meds.

And just because we "aren't there" doesn't mean we're stupid. Lots of people on here are older and have more experience. It's up to you to take the advice or not. But please, don't tell people that they just don't understand. It's insulting.

Croix

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Agggh. Why do you take my comments as insulting? I just don't understand.

I was *not* jumping all over someone after responding to my comments. In fact, if you will recall, I specifically said that I understand that it is hard to comment on situations that one is not part of, and that I also said that it is difficult to comprehend the full extent of situations that I am talking about when I only present certain sides of it based on my moods at the time. I also said that I resepct the opinions and am glad for getting them, but that I feel that telling me that I'm not allowed to disagree because it's just "not what I want to hear" is just as wrong as me supposedly jumping over someone for not understand the facts.

Given that, how could you possibly say that I was jumping all over the previous poster? Dear god, I said certain things in my followup posts to try to make it clear that that was exactly what I was trying NOT to do.

And frankly, I fail to see how you could be tired of the stuff that I post. Since being made aware of the purpose of the springer forum by the mods, I have intentionally kept the entirety of these situations IN MY SPRINGER THREAD. I have not posted them here, on purpose. This was the sole exception. I guess, considering the reception I received, it was a huge mistake. Had I known that I would essentially be flamed in the first several responses, believe me I would have hit the delete key before posting this thread in the first place. And while I know it is cliche, if you do not like that which I post, do not read it and certainly do not respond to it. I am not holding a gun to your head and demanding your opinion. You are free to ignore my questions if they bother you that much. And please don't patronize me. Just because I am young and these are the questions I am dealing with now does not make them any less legitimate than any of the other questions raised in this or any other forum.

Also, when did I ever say that you, or anyone else here, was stupid? The mere fact that I am seeking your opinions should clue you in to the idea that I believe you all have valuable experience and are intelligent. I would not bother asking for opinions if I thought you guys were stupid. That does not make sense.

All the same though, I don't understand how you can possibly reason that experience in your lives makes up for not being present in a situation, and for not having a full picture? It makes no sense. When I say you don't understand, it's because you don't. That does not mean that you can't comprehend the generalities of a situation such as the one I am in. It does not mean that your experiences are invalid or that you are stupid.

What it does mean is that you don't personally know me. You do not personally know those that I post about. You do not personally observe the situations I describe and the ones I don't. You do not hear the conversations I have. There is a phenominal amount of information that you don't have and that I could not even provide to you if I wanted to. Which is why I have attempted to make it perfectly clear that I understand that it is difficult to give an opinion on situations that you are not a part of. I made that clear! I said that!

Sigh. This is getting silly. I do not appreciate being insulted. If I could delete this thread right now I would.

Edit: As an addendum:

Please do not take what I said above in the post as written out of anger. It is not. That is not the tone that the above material is posted in.

However, what I am about to write now *is* out of anger.

Frankly, there are only three people in this world who should be concerned with how I am handling my own depression. Those people are: me, my pdoc, and my tdoc. Those are the only people. Others are feel free to comment on it, of course, but do not expect me to take kindly to comments on how to handle my own treatment unless I specifically ask for them. And, as I recall, the original post had nothing to do with that.

As for the drinking, that is again something that is only of concern to myself, my pdoc, and my tdoc. It is an issue that has been discussed between those that need to be concerned and the fact that it is continuing as it is should indicate that there are, as of yet, no problems with it. I do not like being judged on my social habits when I have had a go-ahead from both my pdoc and tdoc on the issue. It is not right.

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Guest Llamanator

Okay, pfft.

First of all, I don't see any flames here. Flames are beasts of an entirely different nature. Don't make me give an example.

Second, if people don't know you and these people and you're upset about them telling you about what they think...why are you asking them about what they think? How could they judge whether this guy likes you from the freaking internet?

No, really.

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You are correct Voltron. I am sorry for saying the above was flames....they may be offensive and insulting to me, but that does not mean they are flames.

And as an answer to your question:

They can't. I know that. Why am I asking? Because I possess certain flaws in...confidence. No matter what I feel myself, or what those closest to me feel, I must constantly seek other opinions for validation. I cannot trust myself. It is not right, I know. And inevitably I always regret posting questions such as these after I bring them up...

Like I said, if I could delete this thread now I would.

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Your alcohol use - none of our business

Your depression - none of our business

Your relationship - our business? I'm guessing here because I have no clue. We were only showing concern for your well being in regard to the depression and alcohol use. (Since you are on a public forum dealing with such things, and you brought it up) Pardon us for caring.

And it's not fair to post half-stories seeking advice and then tell people how wrong they are because they don't have the whole story. We gave advice on the very limited info we had. Sorry if it wasnt what you wanted to hear.

Croix

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Yes, exactly. When and if I ask questions about my depression then it becomes a topic for debate. When I don't, it is off limits. When and if I ask questions about my alcohol use then it can be talked about. When I don't it should not be brought up - especially in an acusatory mannor.

Your second comment is funny. It's not as though certain posters have prefaced their opinions with "well...given that I don't know everything...". Certain posters seem more than content to offer broad opinions no matter the lack of their knowledge. Perhaps it's not fair for me to not post every minute detail of my life when asking a question about a specific incident. But it is certainly not fair for you to play a fill in the blank game with what I leave out and then, in essence, tell me that I am completely wrong.

And while you may consider what you were displaying to be concern for my well-being, it certainly did not come accross that way and there are certainly better ways to discuss it.

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Ok, I won't even take part of the discussion here because it's too complicated and I don't even think anyone's wrong.

So I'm just going to reply to your first post. I don't know the whole picture, obviously, but I'll try to give some opinions without sounding judgemental.

Being depressed doesn't mean you have to just focus on your depression. In fact, that can be a bad thing. You need to have a life. You still have feelings and instead of focusing on the bad ones, sometimes you need to have a crush and just have fun.

Just a small warning, don't get too involved in it. It's easy to say, hard to do. But really, I think you should be very careful with those you choose to trust. Or else there's a big risk you'll get hurt. Especially since he's in a relationship.

Maybe you shouldn't go for this guy cause it will be too complicated? Maybe having a crush is enough?

But there's nothing wrong with flirting. If this guy is in a relationship, that is not very fair of him. Maybe he's not the one for you. But I wouldn't get too upset over a bit of flirting. Just enjoy it and try not to put too much emotion in it.

And when it comes to the "why would anyone want me" syndrome... That's a hard one to get rid of. I know. But obviously you are interesting/cute/funny or he wouldn't be doing this. Try to use that to boost you self-esteem and see if you can use it with other guys. There are so many of them out there! ;)

So the bottom line is, I don't think anyone here can tell you if he really likes you. That's impossible to know from just reading your posts.

I would say, having a crush is not neccesarily a problem, but be careful and take care of yourself and your emotions.

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i agree karuna i would be so not wanting a guy with a girlfriend, cause if he is that disrespectful of her then why would he be respectful to you? Even if u think no one would ever like you or how could someone ever like u, i'd rather no one like me, then a guy who is willing to cheat. but that is just me!

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