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deeschmee

Anyone Met There Birth Family?

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My adopted female parent was verbally, physically and mentally abusive. I avoid her at all costs.

I met my birth female parent 16 years ago and she's no better, just different.

I can't even spend time around my birth siblings because there MI/substance abuse triggers me immensely.

Anyone else adopted?

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Not myself but I had two separate friends sometime ago who both were. 
One (a very kind/caring man in his late 40s) said he was never interested. His argument essentially was that if he wasn't worth the effort of raising, why would he want to meet them? Sure he had their DNA - but that was the only link.

The other one (late teens) had a very different mindset. He was curious to meet them, but he was also aware that he was removed from their custody (not given up wilfully) and that it might not be the best idea, nor an easy process. 

I can't imagine how hard it is.

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41 minutes ago, StarCrazy said:

His argument essentially was that if he wasn't worth the effort of raising, why would he want to meet them?

That's a strange argument. A lot of people who give up their children for adoption do so because they can't provide for them the home that the child deserves so they give up the child in hopes that a suitably vetted adoptive family will leave them better off. And it's a hard decision to give up your child. It's not about being worth the effort of raising the child for the vast majority of people.

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I don't disagree with you @jt07 . And I'm not trying to suggest that one shouldn't meet their birth parents.

I guess he must have been quite happy where he was and didn't want to open old wounds. He was a very rational thinker and politically free-spirited person - I imagine it was something he had given a lot of thought to.
There's also that whole thing of never being able to unknow things, unsee information etc. I imagine he just was just happier with the door kept shut.

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Unless your adopted, then it's difficult to understand the feelings of abandonment. Regardless of what the birth mother/parent had intended.

I recently found out that my birth mother had a daughter and met her future husband when she was pregnant with me. I believe she even married him ( to keep him out of jail. And he was under age) while she was pregnant with me. Told the judge he's was going to settle down and be a good dad to the baby (me). I was not his and she gave me away.

Many, many feelings for me surrounding this...

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That's awful.   I'm sorry.  My dad was adopted, he died when I was a kid never having wanted to search for his birth family.  I've had DNA done and matched with people who are obviously his birth family, soft-pedalled the approach and NOTHING.  It's upsetting.  

Like, we're second cousins, am I really going to rock your world?  I didn't even say my dad was adopted and that's how we're related!

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Posted (edited)

I was fostered from birth to 18. As to have I met my birth parents, yes I have. I had regular supervised visitations with my birth mother up until I was 8. My birth father was never really part of my life as a minor, he was there in the distance communicating with CPS and DCFS as much as was legally allowed to but that's it. He gave up his parental and legal rights, also when I was 8, and at that stage I became what I refer to as state property. 

I was never told why I was placed in foster care, I had to find that out myself by obtaining my case files. In any case I do not feel abandoned by my birth parents and the damage they caused to my young life is nothing in comparison to the damage foster care did. I understand and accept the reasons why they could not care for me, having sought those answers for myself at an appropriate time for me. 

I will never have that connection that most children have with their parents with my birth parents, because they were never that to me. They were never, in practice, my mother and father. I was instead raised by a faceless state and forcibly survived such. Although, I think it is more accurate to say I wasn't raised at all because my development was so ruined and neglected by the state. 

My birth parents have no place nor any responsibility in that damage. One of the hardest things I get is people assuming that my birth parents are responsible for my childhood trauma. They are not. They are severely mentally ill, just as I am, and they had me at a time where there was no treatment out there for them. I cannot and do not blame them for that. They never laid a hand on me and never spoke anything bad of or about me. They were simply just not mentally fit to care for me. 

My father and I maintain limited contact. He feels incredibly guilty for the childhood I had in the absence of his capacity to be my father in practice. He accepts that we will probably never have a father son relationship and that I am not capable of attaching and connecting to him past that we are 2 adult men with some relation. I will never be able to see him as my father, and he accepts that. He accepts me as his son and is one of very few family members who actually accepts me for who I am and isn't a downright abusive asshole towards me because of me being a trans person. He doesn't understand what that is like, but he accepts it. Our contact is minimal because seeing me is traumatising for him, it reminds him of days where his own mental illness was so out of control that he was incapable of making appropriate sound decisions and proper risk assessment. He blames himself for my childhood because I wouldn't have been born if he didn't have that manic episode which took away his better judgement. 

I accept it wasn't his fault that he developed mental illness and that there was no treatment for him at the time. It was not his fault he had almost no money, and no real home to provide. He is much more stable now and has taken responsibility for treating his mental illness, and did what was necessary so he can never have another child. But like I said, our relationship will never be that of a father son relationship. 

My birth mother has treatment resistant schizophrenia and has been profoundly ill since I was 8. She has no connection to reality whatsoever, and doesn't even know who I am. I don't think she did even when visits were still a thing because her schizophrenia has been severe since she developed it in her early teens. She doesn't even know who she is really, and lives in a public housing unit with 24 hour support workers, on court ordered antipsychotics that do little else for her than keep her alive. Her symptoms are no different in the end. As a result, I cannot see her because it would disturb her and cause worsening psychosis. 

Like my father, I don't really see her as my mother and I never have, not even when the visits were happening. I didn't understand why I was made to see her, I have no attachment and no connection to her just like I never had either with any adult in my childhood, and continue to have such detachment as an adult. I understand and accept she gave birth to me, beyond that, there isn't much. Again, I do not blame her for my childhood trauma and she plays no real place or contribution in it whatsoever because she has never done anything to harm me in any way. 

Being parentless is nowhere near as hard for me as having been brought up by a faceless state and a beyond broken foster care system who did irreparable damage to me and my development. There is no one on this planet who will ever understand any of that, not even other people who were fostered, because the impact is individual in the end. I have given up on finding that understanding, because I am only kicking myself by doing so. Instead, I do my best to understand myself. 

Not having had parents is less about that and more about the fact no one taught me anything useful or actually applicable to life. That lack of attachment and connection doesn't bother me at all because I have no interest in it, nor any need for it. I fail to see how my mother and father have any importance to my own life other than what I inherited from them. That probably sounds cold, but that's how it is. I do my best to remember that I am more than my biology and biological roots. 

My biological brothers were also fostered and spent a significant amount of that with me, and when their placements were elsewhere, regular visits occurred. However, even our relationship is very detached now we are all adults. We rarely communicate and aren't bothered by it at all. We respect each other and have loyalty, but we do not love each other like most siblings do, as we were never shown love to even know how to love. We are all very private people. 

All the other biological family I know of are abusive and contribute to my childhood trauma significantly. As such, I have chosen to have nothing to do with them as an adult for my own sanity. 

 

Edited by Hopelessly Broken

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