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Relapsed After 12 Years...


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so i just got outta the hospital about...a week? ago.

before then i hadn't self harmed in over 12 years.

while in there i actually think i might be going even crazier.

i have anorexia,and because they had no idea what to do with me as far as eating i had things like a nurse standing over me while i was forced to choke down two pieces of banana bread-

my eating got better throughout my admission when i asked if i could eat outside of the dining room/lounge,and when my pdoc made it a goal for me to start eating over the week end-

Anyhow,sorry,this the self harm board-

So.i spent a whole lotta time in in my room-this was different than other admissions i've had where i have actually connected with other patients...but,there was like a whole young group of musicians who spent everyday when ever they could,singing and playing guitar-don't get me wrong was great they found this so therapeutic but it was driving me mad-the same songs everyday over and over and over again-

This was only a pathetic (sorry) part of how i began self harming again-it was first after i received a very less than supportive,mean telephone call from someone i care about very much

i could not cope with it..so-after 12 years-i self harmed-

My nurse found out and was clued out.

i said i dunno could you get me some ice.came back with ice pack which didn't didn't really work-but i ended up carrying it around the ward like Linus from Peanuts carries his blanket.

she put me in  the quiet room-

anyhow i found a new way of self harming in there,in my room-and ended up telling my favourite nurse who wasn't my nurse that day but who kindly came to check on me.

when i finally saw my doctor she attributed it to my being too confined for so  long and a sign i was ready to leave.

i dunno.

Discharged.

Still self harming.

Can't stop.

Feel like hanging my head in shame that i ruined 12 years being free of it.

And that self loathing over this only fuels this,you know?

M'Kay,this has been far far too long a ramble,which may not make much sense here at 5:19 in the morning.

i'm sorry..

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Don't discount the 12 years you didn't self-harm. You haven't ruined them, they still count and you can start again despite this slip-up. I'm sorry your hospital stay was so unhelpful and that you got that telephone call. It sounds like all the things you turned to for support were not supportive, and so you went back to self harm to cope, which is understandable. Can I give you a virtual hug?

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sounds like you had a rough hospital stay, compounded by a bad phone call, and ended up using very old coping mechanisms that you've not needed for a long time. no shame in that -- you went through stress and handled it in a way that was familiar. doesn't ruin your progress at all. think of it as tripping while walking on a long path. just because you fell down doesn't discount how far you've walked.

sending healing vibes your way. keep walking, gaba, we're rooting for you. :)

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