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Spiralling down on my supposed vacation


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I'm in NY from the MN, and I think I'm losing it.  See the Relationship board for details.  I'm staying with my friend and I could barely crawl out of bed to type this.  This isn't a time zone related cycle or transition related cycle, but rather "Wow.  Thanks for the news.  Now my vacation sucks." cycle. 

My dog, my avatar, my raison d'etre, is dead.  And I wasn't even there. 

And I'm talking to my ex right now.  I'm fucking going back to bed.

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I'm in NY from the MN, and I think I'm losing it.  See the Relationship board for details.  I'm staying with my friend and I could barely crawl out of bed to type this.  This isn't a time zone related cycle or transition related cycle, but rather "Wow.  Thanks for the news.  Now my vacation sucks." cycle. 

My dog, my avatar, my raison d'etre, is dead.  And I wasn't even there. 

And I'm talking to my ex right now.  I'm fucking going back to bed.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

First, stop talking to your ex.  Tell him to fuck off for awhile or forever.  Don't keep sticking the hot poker in your eye. 

Losing a pet is hard and losing one that you have spent so much of your life with can be devastating.  The pain will fade, but their memory will live on with you.  I still miss pets I lost 15 years ago.  I'll be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts.

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I agree with Synthetic. It is a very, very bad idea to keep talking to your ex. It is just setting you up to hate your vacation. Do whatever it takes to crawl out of bed and see sunlight, even if it is writing on CB and sitting in the sun in front of a window. My mom (unipolar manic) told me this helps people with my form of BP (the "normal" kind with depressive phases).

I'm very, very sorry your dog died. Our pets are like family, like our own children. They care and understand when no one around could give a damn. My cats are my reason. I don't stay late at work because I feel my cats deserve me being home (as I'd feel if I had a family)!

It will help a lot that if possible, you have your dog cremated and have his ashes put in an urn for you to keep, and have them put his paw print in clay so you can bake the clay and have the print forever. I did this with one of my beloved cats and it helps with my grief. Just like I grieve for my dad, I grieve for my cat (not to the same extent, but I grieve).

loon

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Well, I managed to crawl out of bed.  But only because someone was dangling in front of the window from a rope and it freaked me out.  That's New York for you.

I'm supposed to be at dance class in an hour which is now physically impossible.  I have no motivation to change out of pajamas.  I don't even have the desire to spend money.

I tried playing Freud's defense mechanism game, and pretend my dog is still alive until I get home, but that fell apart this morning.  That dog was like my kid. 

Alright, enough of this.  I will allow myself to crash, but I won't allow myself to burn.  I must at least shower.  Then I can at least be depressed and clean.

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I don't even have the desire to spend money.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

That is a very bad sign.  Please, find something frivilous and buy it.  I bought some washable markers today.  When I get home I will draw flowers on my body for you.

I tried playing Freud's defense mechanism game, and pretend my dog is still alive until I get home, but that fell apart this morning.  That dog was like my kid. 

Alright, enough of this.  I will allow myself to crash, but I won't allow myself to burn.  I must at least shower.  Then I can at least be depressed and clean.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Crashing is okay, burning is not.  Take care of yourself.

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Getting drunk and telling everyone exactly what I feel seems to have done the trick somewhat.  At least now I don't have the negative emotions just building and festering inside me anymore.

Wasn't my dog beautiful?

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Silly bipolar.  Thinking that self-medicating actually makes the pain go away.  Now I'm just drunk and grinding my teeth as I wait for the depression to sink back in.  At least it was gone for a little while.  I know, y'all are going to say, self-medicating with drugs and alcohol is BAD for me.  Well, I felt pretty good for awhile there.  To me, it was worth it, just to feel normal for a little while.

What am I doing?  Why does it have to be this way?  Why can't I just live on a fucking deserted island with my ipod and an endless supply of batteries?  Why do I want to cut myself until I bleed?

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China,

I did get out, and it made me feel so much better.  Now I'm home and I'm trying to chase the grief away, but every empty corner and shadow makes me turn my head, catch my breath, and then my stomach drops.  He's everywhere.

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i am SO sorry.  i just got my Zoe about 3 weeks ago.  Last night, i nearly had a heart attack upon thinking i'll only have her for 10, maybe 15 years.  i just lost Lady last August and miss her like crazy.  Zoe reminds me so much of her... if i did believe in reincarnation, i'd say it IS her!

Again, my deepest sympathies.  Don't talk to your ex right now.  You need to mourn, not add drama.

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Good news is that my experience with Lamictal is that once you hit a nice amount you feel the effects rather quickly.  Like the same day. 

You're still talking to your ex I take it?  Meh, we've all done it.

Well, I managed to crawl out of bed.  But only because someone was dangling in front of the window from a rope and it freaked me out.  That's New York for you

That cracked me up because it really IS New York for you. 

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I'm telling ya-NYC is the place to go to feel normal as a Kansas hayfield--there is every kind of and more of MI's floating around NYC per square feet than any place on earth.

I LOVE that city--sure wish I had someone to visit there.  My favorite place, I just fell in love when I saw the Statue of Liberty the first time, driving my son into Brooklyn to school (Hello, Dr. Huxtable!!)  No accounting for tastes, I guess.

Still grieving your puppy--healing thoughts, sweetie--

China, who misses most every where she has lived--except HERE!!

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Now I'm depressed because I'm back in MN and I miss NY. ;) I had another sobbing episode yesterday when I looked out the window and for the first time didn't see little doggy paw prints in the snow.

And I can't stop eating!  I gained 15 pounds in 3 months.  The past two weeks have been embarrassing.  So naturally that makes me feel disgusting.

And I found an ant crawling in my cigarette pack.  Oh ew. :)

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