Starting again, came clean with psych, can't cope

[Dewey]

Finally came clean with my psych.  I am sitting here with boxes of the same item (3) of this and that, that I ordered online and don't even remember I ordered these items. I increased my credit line on my credit cards so I could spend more. I find when I am up late at night I order, order, order and don't remember the next day what I ordered until I get an email that an item is coming. I can't leave my home due to panic and high anxiety.  I have to stop spending or I am heading for bankruptcy.

My psych doc just started me on Seroquel (1/2 of a 25 mg - very low dose due to sensitivities to medication) at night and Abilify during the day.  I had taken myself off all my meds and don't know why.  I have been having confusion, dissociation, fear of leaving my apartment, insomnia, fear of my mind falling apart.  So, with the encouragement of a friend, I came clean and told my psych doc everything that was going on.  I feel embarrassed, but I do need help and apparently I can't manage all this alone.  He did not judge me, he knew something was amiss due to all the vmails I leave on his answering machine.

Thinking back, I have gone thru several traumatic events and this could have probably kicked all this off.  I am not in therapy just yet, but I need to be.  So, thought I would start here for help navigating all this. 

Here is the list of the traumas I have gone thru over the past 12 months: witnessed and stopped a brutal assault and went to criminal court as a witness, witnessed the sudden death of a close friend, then right after that went thru a forced move to an apartment I do not like, then had a liver biopsy, have been thru numerous doctors trying to find out what my medical condition is, now I have an impacted kidney stone and facing more surgery, tore my meniscus in my knee but can't get to the ortho for treatment, lost 40 pounds due to not eating and having nausea with all the pain I have had.

I only sleep 3-4 hours a night, so hoping the Seroquel will help me get my sleep hygiene back in tact.  Hoping the Abilify will help with mood stabilization and anxiety/panic control.  Those are my medication goals right now. 

Thank you for listening.

[Dewey]

Removed, due to too personal

Edited August 28, 2018 by Dewey
Removed, due to too personal

[Juniper29]

Wow, that is a tremendous amount of stress you've been through in just one year. I hope the medications help you.

[jt07]

Yes, that is a tremendous amount of stress you've been through. I'm glad you came clean to your doctor, and I hope the meds work and work quickly for you. Sleeping so little at night can really wear on you. I'm having the same problem now myself so I understand.

[Dewey]

Juniper ~ Thank you for responding to my post.  Question for you.  I see that you are taking Gabapentin.  Is this for a seizure disorder?  How does it combine with Abilify?

jt07 ~  Thank you for validating the trauma I recently went thru.  Yes, coming clean with my psych doc was embarrassing and tough. What are you doing for your insomnia?  Last night I slept 8 straight hours, thanks to the Seroquel.  Although it did not improve my mood, woke up very irritable and more depressed which is the opposite effect I thought it would have on me.  Need to get back to my psych doc on this.  I started an excel spreadsheet to track everything.  I am looking at a LCSW who does trauma work, and will call her tomorrow to see if she is taking on new patients.

[Dewey]

I also need to add one more thing.  Where I am living now is an independent senior living facility and I am the youngest one here.  Everyone else is 80 years and above.  Two weeks ago, I witnessed one of my new close friends suddenly pass away right in front of me.  I think that started this manic behavior (I am not bi-polar btw), where I went crazy with spending.  I never would have done all that, but I can trace the origin of all this new behavior with the death of my close friend.  Right after I moved, two close friends suddenly passed away which left me with virtually no close close friends.  I miss everyone soo much. 

Thank you for listening. 

Edited August 28, 2018 by Dewey
Removed sensitive topic.

[jt07]

1 hour ago, Dewey said:

Juniper ~ Thank you for responding to my post.  Question for you.  I see that you are taking Gabapentin.  Is this for a seizure disorder?  How does it combine with Abilify?

jt07 ~  Thank you for validating the trauma I recently went thru.  Yes, coming clean with my psych doc was embarrassing and tough. What are you doing for your insomnia?  Last night I slept 8 straight hours, thanks to the Seroquel.  Although it did not improve my mood, woke up very irritable and more depressed which is the opposite effect I thought it would have on me.  Need to get back to my psych doc on this.  I started an excel spreadsheet to track everything.  I am looking at a LCSW who does trauma work, and will call her tomorrow to see if she is taking on new patients.

I'm not doing much for my insomnia. I'm just trying to plow through on very little sleep. Sometimes I have to take naps during the day though. For years I took Remeron (mirtazapine) for depression and it is very sedating. When things get too much for me, I take a half tablet of Remeron, and with my sleep debt, it puts me out for two days.

[coraline]

You have been through so much..

My deepest condolences..

I truly am glad you told your pdoc and hope the meds work..

I wonder if all the spending is a coping mechanism and you're trying to just self soothe through it all..

I can understand anxiety..I have been through some stuff myself..nothing as hard as what you are going through..

Things will get better with time though..

I'm glad you shared here..

[Dewey]

Hello Coraline ~  Thank you for your condolences.  Diane was a rock in my life.  No matter how down I got, her whit and smile always brought me out of it.  She was someone I sought to visit with daily.  Now she is gone and I can't believe it.  Oddly enough, she was right beside me while I was rolled into the ambulance and 30 days later, I was right beside her as she was rolled into the ambulance during her last ride in life. 

I am sure the spending is a coping mechanism.  I am buying all the things I could not afford and have lived without.  These are not big things, small priced items but many of them.  These new items are enabling me to have an easier life in my apartment.  I did buy one expensive thing though, a Rollator to enable me to get out and walk and a Fitbit to count the steps.  The rest of the items purchased were bedding, linens and towels.  I am giving my older things away to a domestic violence women's shelter. I am also shedding my painful past by buying new things to replace the old memories. I keep looking at old memories which are kept alive by being in my home.

Started Seroquel two nights ago.  First night was great, slept 8 hours but woke up with alot of irritability and felt very depressed.  Thinking the Seroquel hasn't had enough time to build up in my system.  Last night was filled with nightmares and I got very little sleep. 

Thank you again for reading my post and helping me.

 

 

Edited August 28, 2018 by Dewey
Removed due to sensitive content.

[Juniper29]

16 hours ago, Dewey said:

Juniper ~ Thank you for responding to my post.  Question for you.  I see that you are taking Gabapentin.  Is this for a seizure disorder?  How does it combine with Abilify?

The gabapentin is actually for anxiety. It has a calming effect on me. Abilify made me jittery at lower doses but at 10 mg it also seems to have a calming stabilizing effect.

[Dewey]

Juniper ~  I have been on Abilify before and it increased my anxiety and made me very jittery.  We are starting out at the lowest dose - 1 mg.  So are you saying when you increased the Abilify to 10 mg it had a calming effect on you?  And gabapentin also had a calming effect on you as well? What dosage are you taking, may I ask?  My primary wanted to start me out on 100 mg for restless legs and nocturnal cramps but have not started on this yet.  Want to do one medication at a time, get adjusted to that and then move on to the second and then the third.  So, I am starting out on Seroquel (1/2 of 25 mg) at night for sleep.  

Thank you for your response, appreciate that.  What a wonderful way to live, medication that calms you !!!

[Juniper29]

10 minutes ago, Dewey said:

Juniper ~  I have been on Abilify before and it increased my anxiety and made me very jittery.  We are starting out at the lowest dose - 1 mg.  So are you saying when you increased the Abilify to 10 mg it had a calming effect on you?  And gabapentin also had a calming effect on you as well? What dosage are you taking, may I ask?  My primary wanted to start me out on 100 mg for restless legs and nocturnal cramps but have not started on this yet.  Want to do one medication at a time, get adjusted to that and then move on to the second and then the third.  So, I am starting out on Seroquel (1/2 of 25 mg) at night for sleep.  

Thank you for your response, appreciate that.  What a wonderful way to live, medication that calms you !!!

Yes, the Abilify seems to be more activating at lower doses. When I got to 7.5 mg it made me sleepy, whereas on lower doses it was energizing. Now I just feel sort of ... mellow, I guess? Which is a nice change from paranoid and panicking. We’ll see if it lasts, I have only been at this dose for a few weeks. I take 300 mg of the gabapentin (100 in the morning and 200 at night). My Ativan usage went way down when I started taking it.

[Dewey]

Interesting. I have heard others comment that the lower level of Abilify can be quite activating and once the dose goes up, it calms.  I would like to get off of Klonopin, have been on it for 30 years.  Hoping at some point I can stop it, gradually.  I am starting at 1mg of Abilify, so will see what happens at that level with the activation. 

Thank you for sharing this information.  Education is key !!  Let me know how it goes for you as you adjust to your med cocktail. 

[Juniper29]

Thank you, good luck with your med changes also!

[Dewey]

Thank you Juniper. On 3rd day and can already feel the effects of Seroquel, even with this tiny amount I am taking.  I slept very well last night though, which is a first

I also took another leap of faith to start back in therapy again.  I made an appointment for next Thursday to start the process again.  She is a trauma therapist, who knows EMDR and also DBT (Dislectal Behavior Therapy).  So, that in of itself, would be a very good fit for me.  Again, the transportation issue.  I reached out to two agencies that usually transport me to doctors appts, but it's last minute and the new clinic wants a cancellation by Tuesday, which is really short notice, with an appt on Thursday.  Big sigh........................I could take Uber but that's expensive. 

Received Abilify in the mail today.  Holding off starting it as I don't want to confuse any side effects since starting two drugs at the same time. 

Next week, I have a CTScan to see if my kidney stone is still there and if so, I have to have it surgically removed. 

[CrazyRedhead]

On 8/23/2018 at 9:50 AM, Dewey said:

  I am not sure what to do about a new cat.  The last two were very ill and had to be returned after I bonded with them.  I didn't want to get the last kitten due to his inactivity, it was a gut feeling, but my friends were soo sold on this kitten, I just had to believe everything would be okay, but sadly, he passed away two days later while having seizures.  The first kitten was returned due to luxating patella in both rear legs.   Rescue group said the surgeon would do surgery on one of the legs and it would be a wait and see for the other leg, however, it's not a permanent fix and the knee can pop out at anytime.  So, they are looking for a permanent special needs foster home for him.  He was my favorite and he left pawprints on my heart.  However, if I agree to take him back as a foster, I do not drive and the very people who said I could depend upon them for transportation refused to take me during the crisis with the second kitten.  I am keeping it open for the kitten that will need fostering while taking my time looking for a new kitten and will go by myself this time, eliminating peer pressure.  Would I be borrowing more trauma taking back the first kitten?  At least all his medical expenses would be paid for.  The vet costs are one of the reasons I opted not to get a new cat with my limited fixed income. 

I think I posted about this before on your blog, but maybe you would be better off adopting a healthy, young adult cat with no medical issues, who is past the kitten stage.....Does the rescue group have any young adults available?

Edited August 28, 2018 by CrazyRedhead

[Dewey]

Deleted due to sensitivity to content. 

Edited August 28, 2018 by Dewey
Deleted due to sensitivity of the content.

[CrazyRedhead]

1 hour ago, Dewey said:

Hello Red ~  Learned that they will not let me adopt from them since I do not drive and returned two kittens to them.  My defense is that I take uber whenever I have a need to go out.  But they refused, claiming I am off their list of acceptable fostering or adopting.  

If they won't let you adopt or foster for them, I would suggest getting someone to take you to your local animal shelter, and adopt a cat from there.......There are plenty of cats available this time of year at shelters, and shelters are much less picky than rescues.

Edited August 28, 2018 by CrazyRedhead

[Dewey]

Delete due to sensitivity to content.

Edited August 28, 2018 by Dewey
Deleted due to sensitivity to content.

[Dewey]

The rescue group just reached out to me and said they didn't mean to imply because I no longer drive they would not consider me for a foster, she said she was rushing when she dropped that text off to me.  After hearing my background, they said they would consider me 100%, but I live to far from their operations, over 100 miles from my home, and they require their fosters to live close to their vet clinics which are not in my state. Then added, that since I do not drive, I would not be able to get to their clinics should something medical happen to a cat/kitten in my charge.   So, they gave a softer denial of my request to foster which helped sooth the feelings of rejection.  This time, they were being nice and apologized stating so much can be lost in the art of communication.  I feel better about everything now, but still wish I could establish being a foster for special needs cats/kittens, since I have all the vet knowledge. 

So, will leave it be and if there is a cat/kitten out there that can find it's way to me that's healthy, then I will let that happen.  Right now, just taking a break from all this emotional upheaval, especially from my neighbor. 

My psych doc just called and felt adding back in a small dose of olanzapine at night for help with sleep while I am starting back on Pamelor will be okay.  I almost went two days without any sleep and by 4:30 this morning started to feel the beginnings of mania, so took a small dose of olanzapine and it knocked me out for 5 hours and feeling more grounded now.  The olanzapine, when I tried it last month, was giving me alot of dizziness that would not go away.  Will see if the combination of Pamelor and olanzapine will work, fingers crossed.  I used to be on olanzapine for several years wtih no problems and it worked great with mood and anxiety.  I do not like that classification of medication as I am not psychotic and it's embarrassing when doctors look at me sideways.  My last primary used my mental health against me when I was on olanzapine, when I reported her to Medicare for lack of care. 

I am soo relieved to know that surgery is no longer on the plate to remove my kidney stone, as it surprisingly passed.  I had been having alot of pain last two days, so that could have been it making its way out.  The CTScan showed all organs in functioning order except for the calcification in my abdominal aoreter (spell?) where I have some atherosclerosis.  That has been there for awhile and where my AIC is now only 4, I'm surprised I still have atherosclerosis. When I get on a supplemental plan next year and get away from my HMO, I'll hook up with a recommended primary who is supposed to be very good and will address all these issues with her.   

 

[CrazyRedhead]

So sad to hear you can't even adopt from the shelter.....I don't think that is fair at all....I had thought about Craigslist, too, but you are right, there are some shady people on there.

Am happy to hear you will not need surgery, though...That's great news....

[Dewey]

Thank you Red ~  I am very relieved !!!

[Dewey]

I never went back to that trauma therapist.  She needs to rethink her job title. 

I am hiding more things from my psych doc again.  I think I may be moving into BiPolar. Not sure, but if I reveal everything to him what I am experiencing, he may change my dx.  I'm soo afraid he will stop seeing me.  I once had a therapist who stood up in the middle of the session to announce that he thought I had a personality disorder - Borderline - (which I didn't) and he does not treat for that.  That experience never left me and always afraid if I show the real me, I may loose my 30 years of care from this psych doc.