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11 weeks but struggling


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I have managed 11 weeks without harming but i am really starting to struggle - the break in egypt did me good but now i am back to usual boring life i'm finding it really hard again

Everywhere i look ppl are dying or in love or both and it's bringing back memories and I almost don't know what to think or feel. I feel like I am never gonna be the samw again and tht thot scares me. I really DON'T want to harm but I will go mad if i don't and I DON'T want tht either. For if I go mad I lose control and am not aware of what I am doing and I have been there before and i don't wanna go back coz i could end up doing what i tried to do back then and i DON'T wanna risk tht. I need to calm down but i can't.

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Well I managed to resist last night but I ended up falling asleep holding the scissors.  Today the stress is once again affecting my stomach but the thing is I don't even know why I am so stressed.  I haven't been able to stop shaking all day or get the thot of harming out of my head.  I just can't go on feeling like this anymore and I can't see how, knowing tht harming helps i can stop myself from doing it for any longer.  I'm at my wits end i really am.  I put how i feel to a friend as:

Imagine u feel like ur losing it + ur tht wound up tht ur physically sick, shaking + brain on overdrive.  Now imagine u know 1 way tht can stop u feeling like tht but u know it's not good for u + u don't wanna do it but u want so much to feel well again.

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79 - 0

I'm beginning to wonder if I can ever stop, but shhh I never said tht.I DO wanna stop I'm just not strong enough  I never do it in mind of ending my life, rather a way of stopping the stress before I do wanna. I don't know why I bloody well started in the first place and now I can't fucking stop! Sorry I'm just a tad angry at myself.

I'm just so damned confused. I wish i could go back in time and stop myself from starting but then if i did would i still be here?? ARRRGH!! I need to stop thinking! ;)

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