~nestling~ Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 I'm not deeply depressed. But I am depressed still. I was trying to deny it....but it doesn't hack it really, isn't credible. Its rather that I am not feeling in a total dysfunctional crumpled mess...I did go to work today, I was marginally sociable....I did interact. But part of me feels 9 years old and wants to hide and be comforted, allowed to rage and cry and still be accepted and loved. OK, I can do that in therapy tomorrow.....I know my therapist will be with me and value even that little katie inside me, honour her feelings as valid.... but...I want to be loved and accepted now. so, maybe there's a 3 year old or younger in there too.... I don't feel I belong anywhere online when it comes to my past. I've tried several abuse forums, but have encountered what only feels like lip service being paid to my traumas, having not been sexually abused, or physically abused (much. although a term to describe all what *the bullies* did to me could easily be described as physical abuse.) Just because I'm a sensitive person, my emotional traumas, particularly emotional neglect...have effected me more than they might someone else of stronger emotional constitution. I kind of started out hardwired to be hyper-vigilant and acutely wary of my surroundings...after birth by forceps at 30 weeks weighing only 2lbs 13oz, and 2 months isolated in a 1970's Special Care Baby Unit, I was already traumatised and depressed and anxious before anything else happened to me.... So I have to struggle for acceptance.....for recognition of what I've suffered....I don't *want* to be a victim....although its pretty much the only identity that I've known....but I want validation...maybe I recieve it...but.... Yet, when I explored my past in a therapy group (therapy training group, but *kind of* a therapy group.....) a woman who was a deputy head of a girls school said that social services wouldn't have intervened/could do nothing with a situation like I was in. (bullied every day at school, threatened with being sent away for no reason, ridiculed and shamed and belittled by my father, witnessing domestic violence...[not all physical, but, admittedly some of it was] And I feel depressed. I want to write "it makes me depressed"...*sigh* I feel lost. the little girl in me that I dissociate to when triggered is very very active and present. I'm just about holding onto adult coping functioning Katie. One could say that I am coping very well.... But, those heart-breaking feelings of a deep well of loneliness within me aches for comfort, reassurance, a place I can call home. And, the paradox is and difficulty is that I so very easily feel that I'm not trusted....yet it is terribly hard for me to really trust someone with my deepest feelings...On the surface there's a little katie who's blindly trusting and will approach any random stranger in the hope of love and welcoming....its heart-rending, but she doesn't get me very far, in fact, when she comes out in public, she's got be a whole load of stigma and ridicule and embraressment and shame.... yet, beneath her is a terrified child hiding in the corner shaking with fear at any approach..... As you can see, I do dissociate, but I don't have DID...another conundrum for the 'where do I really belong?' front.......because neither do I completely fit a Borderline or PTSD diagnosis...I'm a recurrent depressive, as my diagnosis says.....ICD-10 code F-33 if you want all the details.....if anything I could be said to be personality disorder NOS....but you takes your pick....I'm me. My Life NOS, as I put it...... I wasn't quite sure where to post this, but my self esteem is low and I feel depressed and melancholic....so I am posting it in Depression....mods, if you feel it would be better elsewhere, please feel free to move it...but gently..... "All I want is to be taken seriously and loved for who I am, all of who I am." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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