~nestling~ Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 I'm not deeply depressed. But I am depressed still. I was trying to deny it....but it doesn't hack it really, isn't credible. Its rather that I am not feeling in a total dysfunctional crumpled mess...I did go to work today, I was marginally sociable....I did interact. But part of me feels 9 years old and wants to hide and be comforted, allowed to rage and cry and still be accepted and loved. OK, I can do that in therapy tomorrow.....I know my therapist will be with me and value even that little katie inside me, honour her feelings as valid.... but...I want to be loved and accepted now. so, maybe there's a 3 year old or younger in there too.... I don't feel I belong anywhere online when it comes to my past. I've tried several abuse forums, but have encountered what only feels like lip service being paid to my traumas, having not been sexually abused, or physically abused (much. although a term to describe all what *the bullies* did to me could easily be described as physical abuse.) Just because I'm a sensitive person, my emotional traumas, particularly emotional neglect...have effected me more than they might someone else of stronger emotional constitution. I kind of started out hardwired to be hyper-vigilant and acutely wary of my surroundings...after birth by forceps at 30 weeks weighing only 2lbs 13oz, and 2 months isolated in a 1970's Special Care Baby Unit, I was already traumatised and depressed and anxious before anything else happened to me.... So I have to struggle for acceptance.....for recognition of what I've suffered....I don't *want* to be a victim....although its pretty much the only identity that I've known....but I want validation...maybe I recieve it...but.... Yet, when I explored my past in a therapy group (therapy training group, but *kind of* a therapy group.....) a woman who was a deputy head of a girls school said that social services wouldn't have intervened/could do nothing with a situation like I was in. (bullied every day at school, threatened with being sent away for no reason, ridiculed and shamed and belittled by my father, witnessing domestic violence...[not all physical, but, admittedly some of it was] And I feel depressed. I want to write "it makes me depressed"...*sigh* I feel lost. the little girl in me that I dissociate to when triggered is very very active and present. I'm just about holding onto adult coping functioning Katie. One could say that I am coping very well.... But, those heart-breaking feelings of a deep well of loneliness within me aches for comfort, reassurance, a place I can call home. And, the paradox is and difficulty is that I so very easily feel that I'm not trusted....yet it is terribly hard for me to really trust someone with my deepest feelings...On the surface there's a little katie who's blindly trusting and will approach any random stranger in the hope of love and welcoming....its heart-rending, but she doesn't get me very far, in fact, when she comes out in public, she's got be a whole load of stigma and ridicule and embraressment and shame.... yet, beneath her is a terrified child hiding in the corner shaking with fear at any approach..... As you can see, I do dissociate, but I don't have DID...another conundrum for the 'where do I really belong?' front.......because neither do I completely fit a Borderline or PTSD diagnosis...I'm a recurrent depressive, as my diagnosis says.....ICD-10 code F-33 if you want all the details.....if anything I could be said to be personality disorder NOS....but you takes your pick....I'm me. My Life NOS, as I put it...... I wasn't quite sure where to post this, but my self esteem is low and I feel depressed and melancholic....so I am posting it in Depression....mods, if you feel it would be better elsewhere, please feel free to move it...but gently..... "All I want is to be taken seriously and loved for who I am, all of who I am." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenebrae Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 I just need to run in and hug little katie if that's ok. There is so much that I identify with in your post here, but i dont want to make this about me. please please please feel free to PM me any time. i understand. i so so so understand. i think beneath ALL of us is a frightened child, yearning to be loved. sometimes we forget this. I hear you and i bear witness, and I shout to the universe that pain is pain, and your pain is valid, and we cannot compare one to another, and there is no need to justify. i am sorry this is scattered. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sensation Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 Hi Katie, I dont know how to comfort you as I grew up with no emotional support, but I do understand how you feel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~nestling~ Posted March 7, 2006 Author Share Posted March 7, 2006 thank you for taking the time to read my very long post. thank you for caring, thank you for understanding. thank you for hearing me and seeing little katie. she says thank you too. she especially appreciates the hug. Secrets, you know more than you think you do....I feel, anyway....thank you.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thomas Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 nestling, we share some similarities. I was never physically or sexually abused, but as an overly sensitive person, my T says my totally normal upbringing felt to me like severe neglect (I mean my family were the Waltons), so some of the work we do is for trauma. I have been incredibly depressed, though not suicidal for months now, since I got out of the hospital, but my pdoc and I are working on it. Tommy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kris Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 I'm right there with you Katie! You are not alone - wanna hang out and play? Ha. I was not sexually abused either, but physically, ya probably and bullied - ya definately. Raised like little soldiers - ya, not supposed to raise your voice or have an opinion. I was also born overly sensitive. I swear I knew when I was developing in the womb that I was a child who was not wanted. That my mom had 3 other kids already to take care of and she probably prayed that God would take me away. I'm not bi-polar, just plain ole depression, the GAD, SAD, little OCD, lots of anxiety, self doubt, that kinda stuff. Like I said in therapy today, I feel like my insides are made of glass and I'm starting to shatter again. Like therapy and medicines are the glue that keeps me "together". 5 year old Kris just wants her mom to hold her, love her and tell her she's special. I'm right there with you sister! Kris. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neurotica Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 Everything you've said resonates with me. There are events in my past, things normal people would've shrugged off and never thought twice about, that still give me nightmares. I've also struggled to validate my experience and pain due to the abscence of physical abuse in my past. I think verbal and emotional abuse leave behind the most livid scars, and I think it's a crime that it they aren't taken as seriously as physical abuse. Most people won't see the scarring, just the behavioral fall-out, which then gets blamed on the abuse victim. Not that people shouldn't take responsibility for their actions, what I'm saying is that people automatically assume someone is an asshole or whatever instead of considering the external forces that molded the mind that caused the person to act like an asshole. Or whatever. I'm in tangent land today. (((((Katie))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ~Aurelie~ Posted March 8, 2006 Share Posted March 8, 2006 hi Katie and *hugs* for little katie if its ok. i agree with pinky. pain is pain and it's all valid. i have noticed you mentioning a few times that you don't feel like you belong anywhere with your diagnosis. i want to say the diagnosis is not what is important when it comes down to the core of pain. the only thing i think a correct diagnosis is important for is the path of treatment. i also wanted to say that although we may have experienced different traumas, the core of my pain stems from losing my father and from having a mother who didn't love or protect me, nor anybody else to love and protect me. that is what hurts the most. that is the core of my pain and it is far more pervasive than any other trauma i have experienced. and i think you can relate to that and so can many many others here. you are not alone. your pain is real and true and valid. and important. you and little katie deserve love and validation for what you have been through. and peace. so please try not to feel like just because you didn't go through this or that, that your pain is not valid. that is just not true. not at all. and i am sad that you have been struggling with this. i wish all children the love and validation they deserve. love and hugs aurelie edit to add all adult survivors with child hearts too! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sal_manella Posted March 8, 2006 Share Posted March 8, 2006 Hi Nestling, I definitely feel for you and I hope your spirits come back up soon (if it's not realistic to say way up, than at least enough so you can take a deep breath). Hang in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~nestling~ Posted March 8, 2006 Author Share Posted March 8, 2006 thank you. all your responses mean so much to me....I really mean that.....I'm off out to therapy soon, but will be back later this afternoon and reply properly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~nestling~ Posted March 8, 2006 Author Share Posted March 8, 2006 I'm stuck for words now. But, little katie came out in therapy today. she was about 5, maybe 9. my therapist was great. she contained me safely and was steady and caring. I cried lots. I'd been triggered and it took me to flashback mode and we worked with it. Lots of the shadows from my childhood, what my father was like..... It was very scary. But, going through it was helpful. and I feel lots better now. Its the most clear little katie has come out in therapy......so, even though she said to my therapist "I don't trust you" she and I really must do, because she felt safe enough to be vulnerable and show her feelings and talk about them. Yes, Kris, she'd like to come out to play. Also, I found a forum for people who've suffered/are suffering from emotional abuse. At last. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrsloony Posted March 8, 2006 Share Posted March 8, 2006 Hi Nestling- sounds like you have a really great tdoc- you and little katie are lucky to have that safe place! A while ago i'd posted on ptsd- about not being physically or sexually abused- i'm thankful to find more people here who can realate to emotional abuse and neglect and that those can cause ptsd too. Would you mind sharing the new forum you found? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenebrae Posted March 8, 2006 Share Posted March 8, 2006 emotional abuse and neglect and that those can cause ptsd too. yes. this is me, mine. emotional neglect most of all. alone. echo. hello ... hello ... hello ... is there anybody in there. just nod if you can hear me. is there anyone at home? Outside the Wall ~ pink floyd All alone, or in twos The ones who really love you Walk up and down outside the wall Some hand in hand Some gathering together in bands The bleeding hearts and the artists Make their stand And when they've given you their all Some stagger and fall after all it's not easy banging your heart against some mad buggers Wall Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrsloony Posted March 8, 2006 Share Posted March 8, 2006 pinky- that song -is there any body out there - and that whole album has made me cry since I was 15! i'm glad people can relate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~nestling~ Posted March 8, 2006 Author Share Posted March 8, 2006 will pm you the link to the forum, mrsloony. I'm feeling a bit scattered at the moment. I'm eating pizza, have been supporting someone online, and typing this all at the same time...but I'm also quite focused if that makes sense? I'm somehow an adult again. It was really quite powerful how much little katie came forward in therapy.....my therapist is great....it was frightening, but also liberating... I don't know the song, but I do know internal (and external) walls... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrsloony Posted March 8, 2006 Share Posted March 8, 2006 thanks nestling. I love the word "liberating" It really sounds like getting little katie some of the attention she so needs, allowed the big katie to be empowered ( not to mention multitask!) You sound more grounded. mmmm pizza Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~nestling~ Posted March 8, 2006 Author Share Posted March 8, 2006 I'm onto chocolate mousse sundae now. guess who chose tonight's dinner?! here's to our liberation. *holds mousse pot aloft* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenebrae Posted March 8, 2006 Share Posted March 8, 2006 oooo a toast with mousse!! I am in!! (i'd be interested in that link too Nestling ... ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~nestling~ Posted March 9, 2006 Author Share Posted March 9, 2006 will pm you the link later, not much time now as I have to get to work... urrg I have PMT aches, weird dreams last night, night sweats, and I'm tired...just want to go back to bed and sleep...but have a 10 hour work day ahead of me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.