I've been off my meds for about a month now as I never can remember to take them. Last night my fiance and I got into an argument while I was making dinner and it got really bad. He's Bipolar and not on meds right now, but he usually manages it pretty well (he has BP2). He's been super maniac the last few days (full moon, anyone?) and with our current situation at home which includes a lot of variables that have contributed, he's also been extremely cranky. I hate when he yells at me, I want to mention he has NEVER, EVER threatened to put a hand on me, but growing up my parents did a little uh, mental abuse here and there about me being "Crazy". And it usually ended in me in my room, bawling. I began crying because he had been yelling, and wouldn't back off and give me space. Me, being my overdramatic self TW: pulled a knife on him.
I'd never hurt him. Ever. I want to put that out there. Unless he hurt me. Like actually, physically put his hands on me.
I have a friend who lives a couple blocks away, and I called him to come over and diffuse the situation. He gave me the good ol cop talk of "I can arrest you for that, don't do it again", sitch. And he mediated between us both. I also know that if he felt like my fiance was in danger, he'd have me arrested or do it himself. My fiance even said he doesn't feel unsafe and part of me doesn't get why.....
I put the knife down in the kitchen and was crying so hard because that is not like me at all. (This was before he came over. I had literally no intentions of using it, but I am so fucking overdramatic it's unreal.) I'm now in a constant state of worry that my fiance's mental health is worse because of me. He's had abusive exes in his past and I vowed to never be one. He has PTSD from being abused as a kid, too. So he's really screwed
A lot of this post is me "venting" or getting things off my chest. I'm going to try to do better with my meds. To add insult to injury, my therapist moved away a few months ago and never told me. Not a word, so I have a new appt with a new one in my psych office this week...and I'm worried about unloading this onto her. I'm worried about a new therapist in general. I don't like new things.
The entire situation, thinking about it, makes me sick to my stomach.....I...don't know how else to feel.....
I haven't self injured in around 3 years. Traditionally, I would cut myself. In the event that someone took my tool or I didn't have it for whatever reason, I would take to burning.
But things in my life have changed and I cannot risk anyone finding visable scars or burns. But I'm getting SI urges from hell.
To try and get my mind off it, I started exercising. But after the first few days, I over did it by accident and was sore. Like really sore.
Now, Im finding that when the urge hits, I end up seriously overworking myself to the point I nearly pass out And/or vomit.
The only reason I am being as descriptive as I am, Idk if this is even really a form of SI? Or just a really good alternative? I've never heard of anyone else hurting themself this way before, so I'm kinda unsure. I guess on the plus side, I've lost a few lbs past 6 weeks haha
They told me my epival levels were low, and then the entities stopped moving my body towards the edge of the platform when the nurse practitioner gave me a pill doser.... I probably never updated that much.
How can I find a proper way to kill myself? If I kill myself, then I wake up somewhere else. If I die by any other means, even if they use force to make me kill myself, then I am erased. I greatly apologize if this is inappropriate, lately I'm deemed as such everywhere.
I''ve tried overdosing many a time, and I've been in and out of IP for almost 10 years (give or take).
I just want to be in control of my death. The other option is really painful. From binging and purging my oesophagus is starting to tear because there is blood when I vomit. But it's OK because I'm an obese blob.
I just want to die.
It's the third day of December and I decided I wanted to do this thing called 'No cut December'. I want to recover from self harm, and help others along the way as we get through this journey together.
So for the whole month of December, let's try to stay clean. It's a quite a challenge but I'm sure we can do it.
Ugh. I hate this.
I just slipped up after being twelve days clean.
I noticed I always go a period of time being clean then slip up. This has been happening for months now.
For example, I would be two weeks clean then slip up. After that, I would go like a week and a half clean and then slip up.
I'm so sick of this cycle.