Dealing with physical condition that

[chinacat]

I am sure this has happened to someone--I am now dealing with a terrible back problem which will probably require back surgery, and has made it almost impossible for me to walk, or sit or sleep (car wreck 1999--then it got worse.  Details upon request)

The problem is--this has tapped into what aprently is my worst fear in the entire world, being incapacitated, or losing the use of one or both of my legs, permanently.  I am so scared of back surgery, I literally cannot discuss it, and every night, I come home from work and cry for hours, terrified to the bone about this. The only thing that can calm me down is a Klonopin, and a muscle relaxer my ortho gave me until we decide about the surgery.

But it is wrecking the nice calm thingy I had going--and I really don't know how to handle it except medicate myself into oblivion.

Any auggestions?  Are you terrified of getting pneumonia, or breaking an arm, or something else totally NOT a big deal, but puts you into a complete spiral of anxiety, fear, depression, more anxiety, etc. etc?

Love, china the potential cripple-I know, I know, not likely but logic doesn't play much of a part in this--

[ncc1701]

Heya ChinaOB,

Holy cow, you just described *exactly* how I felt when I dislocated my shoulder a couple years back, and couldn't work for a buncha weeks.

I didn't have the "official" BP dx yet.  But I knew anyway that this would screw me up.

Like you said, not so much the injury but the helplessness/injured-ness that went with it, the fear that I would not be a good doctor anymore, the catastophizing that I would never work again.

What can I tell you.

I went through some (in retrospect) very dramatic crying with DH.  Like the world was ending.  Like never being able to play tennis (what my physio told me) was a problem (yah right, I'm so clumsy it's a blessing to have an excuse).

All I can say is yes, this crap can be very destabilizing.

But you get past it at some point.

Really.

--ncc--

[celestia]

Any auggestions?  Are you terrified of getting pneumonia, or breaking an arm, or something else totally NOT a big deal, but puts you into a complete spiral of anxiety, fear, depression, more anxiety, etc. etc?

I have had back surgery, and I worry still about becoming incapacitated, as the surgery wasn't terrible effective.

I do know that my worst fears are very seldom realized. And that as events unfold, I tend to adjust to my new reality...which is often different than what I fantisize it will be--especially when I think it's going to be something really, really bad.

If that makes any sense at all.

The only thing that sends me totally tripping into anxiety hell is when I start to worry something will happen to one of my kids--that can paralyze me if I let myself stay there, so I try to "not go there."

Powerlessness sucks.

Hugs,

S9

[chinacat]

Well, the newest twist--I have become convinced that I am going to die very soon.

[ncc1701]

Heya ChinaOB,

That sounds *so* scary.

I'm glad to hear you're seeing your psychiatrist tomorrow.

And that you're talking about this *now.*

Your instincts can be *very scary.*

Just remember that our instincts are *not* all we have.

Oh honey, be okay, try to sleep?

Or else stay up all night on the Internet.

(having a rough day myself, whatever)

--ncc--

[AirMarshall]

Hi China,

Back problems can sure be miserable, for sure.

Surgical techniques have gotten very very good. Working at the prosthetics/orthotics facililty where we did TLSO's for surg patients every day, I never saw one patient who was incapacitated in 5 years!

Putting your affairs in order is not a bad thing, though the driving fear that something is going to happen must be disconcerting. I'm sure you will make this a primary topic for your Pdoc session.

Best,

A.M.

[chinacat]

She didn't give a rats ass, referred my to a chiroractor who will put me on some middle ages looking stretching machine to "heal: my lack of disc.

No one cares, no one wil listen to me, she spent exactly 2 1/2 minutes wiht me, wrote Rx's and out the door.  I drove 30 minutes for that--and cried hysterically all the way home.

This is a nasty, ugly, mean, little town, with no decent psych., care--no one who 1) is taking new pts 2) is qualified or 3) takes my BC/BS--a bad sign, since most all reputable PDocs take that.

I just need someone to sit dowen face to face with me and LISTEN--and there is no one.  My poor hubby is a bit weary of the hysterica, waterworks, and unwarrewnted fears.

Guess I will spend the afternon, since I am alone here at work, writing my will--nothing of value, but it needs to be done.

I am lost, and I want to go home.

china

[chinacat]

Excuse me while I laugh hysterically and barf into my lunch. I drove 30 miles to see the "wonderful Pdoc from the hospital "who, when told I was terrified of back surgery, whipped out a brochure from a CHIROPRACTER who believe he can make the disc grow back in "only" 20 sessions on this machine that most closely resembled a rack from the mid ages.  Not covered by insurance, but "guarenteed to make by back good as new."

She spent exactly 2 1/2 minutes with me, wrote new RX's and shoved me out the door.  I cried hysterically all the way home--30more minutes, and decided that I am just totally alone in this tiny, ugly, mean little town, except for my wonderful husband, who is growing a bit weary of the waterworks and unfounded and bizaare terrors.

Why can't anyone who could actually make a difference even listen to me?  I just need to talk about this to someone, face to face, who can help me sort all this out.  And I can find no one who is 1) reputable 2) is taking new patients and 3)_ will accept my BC/BS. 

So the unfounded terrors go on, and I will spend the afternoon, since I am alone in the office , writing my will, as it were, since I have nothing of real value.

Later--I thought this post was lost--am entering it anyway--get over it--love, china

[ncc1701]

Heya China,

Ah that just completely sucks.

Chiroquacks eh.  I see where you're coming from.

Ah honey.  You'll be okay.  You don't believe me.  That's okay. 

Unfortunately your psych care sucks.

But is your *surgeon* any good?  That's (frankly) what matters at this point.

Look *him* (*her*) up.  I know you can do that in the States.

Then just lay back, close your eyes and think of England.

(Or some other terrible bastardised quote)

Love,

--ncc--

[chinacat]

Great confidence in Ortho group--willl have MRI done Monday, decision made at Ortho appt. on Friday.  Meanwhile, I sinnk farther and farther into really horrid depression, and the usual lack of motivation has turned into compete inactivity.

I have no interest in job--never was really wild about it.  I came here to work with and in the motorcycle business and there are no jobs there.  So I am half-assedly doing what I really don't want to do.

I made a will last night, deciding who gets what when I die. Not that I own anything of any value, but I like to think that my firiends would want something to remind them of me--maybe.  I just see no real reason to do aything except lie on the couch, hurting, waiting for the surgery, and the outcome--which I deeply believe will be death or complete incapacitation.

This sound like a very morose case of self-pity, and maybe it is--but it scares me, deeply, because I haven't felt like this in many, many years--

china

[Breeze]

OK:

  Get ahold of yourself. (not there!) And let's think about this for a moment. You rationally say you know you are not going to die, but the dish is running away with the spoon. You are giving into the anxiety. Not good.

  Can you do anything physical? Can you swim? I have horrid back pain too. But I don't have a disk problem I have sacroiliac joint problems. Big pain, and I am also fun to be with.    Not.

  But swimming is a life saver. I get that endorphin rush (you could use) and I feel better pain wise (you could use this too) So is swimming something you could do? I find that pain gets me real freaked out.

  I also advocate music when my husband or I get to where you are. I listen to meditation music on my head phones at night while I fall asleep. This does work for panic attacks. You might try this too.

  Also, you said that p-doc saved you butt. Call her back with a "wait just a damn minute" phone call. Get her attention, tell her what you have told us. My p-doc is really kind. And sometimes I have to call her out to tell her "HELP! I AM FREAKING OUT!" Last week she sent me for an EKG because I have been having panic attacks almost nightly since last summer. The EKG scared the shit outa me, I knew there was something wrong with my heart and I had to call and say "Hi my name is Breeze, I have GAD, and you just sent me for an EKG - I am scared to death". She called me back and we talked.  I was fine. The test went fine.

  China. You are most likely going to be here with us after the surgery and have use of all your limbs. But I know how this goes. I have this affliction. I get all worked up and it takes getting someone to listen, and make them listen, to calm me down.

  And if none of that works. Keep talking here. We'll be here for you. You aren't going to die just yet is my feeling. Some day - yes. This time - no!

Breeze

[ncc1701]

Heya China,

Yah.

What Breeze said.  Read that again.  Again.

We're here, not face to face but keyboards at least.

Listen when you tell yourself you'll be okay.

And tell yourself (which is *true*) that everyone at any age needs wills and powers of attorney, *especially* in the States.

When is the surgery hon?

--ncc--

[chinacat]

My big appt, with the ortho is in the AM at 8--he has all the MRI's X-rays. osteoporosis tests, etc.  And will know by 8:02 AM that I am still in screaming, unrelenting pain almost 24/7 and he better do something quick or I will kill myself, or someone dear to me--or him, by 8:05 AM.

My hugest worry at this point is that I am missing loads of work, will continue to miss loads of work, and have NO sick pay and NO disability, so I just dodn't get paid. No fear about losing my job, my boss assures me, but not sure we can survive on one salary.  No , correction--we CANNOT survive on one salary.

I have been cycling like a fucking trampoline all DAY--had hysterics in the parking lot at the Steak and Shake, so bad, that people came up and tapped onthe car window to make sure I was "OK"?  Then, by 3 PM, high as a kite, chatering like a magpie to someone I had never met before.  Home now, moaning and crying and quietly screaming.

Fear is a mighty powerful force, my friends--and terror is srong beyond belief.

Only 15 more hours--then what??  I have no idea.  I vasilate between needing to take the pain pills and muscle relaxers, and wanting, on some level, to "save them, just in case". Very scary thoughts--I even believe, deeply, that I will never see my children again, and , worse, am beginning to get adjusted to that idea.

No doc to call, just my poor hubby, bless his heart.  I have to hang on till in the AM, but after that, all bets are off.

help.

china

[ncc1701]

Heya China,

Ack.

Rough night alert.

If sleep is possible pease do it.

Otherwise (although I'll be in bed by ten) people are on here all night.

Ah hang on.

A good surgeon is what you need right now.

You and I know surgeons, and if you think he's good, hey.  That says a lot.

--ncc--

[chinacat]

Well, the hits just keep on coming.  X=-rays showed I had degenerative disc disease, i.e., no disc between L4/L5, proablaby due to arthritis. (Google at will) Osto screen showed I needed Fosamax or something similar, as I am on the border of severe osteoporosis. (40% chance of fracture in the hip in next 5-8 years without treatment)

NOW the MRI shows a bulging disc bwtween L5 and S1, which is probably where the horrid pain in coming from (discs don't really show up on x-rays) Called spinal stenosis, if you are inclined to Google.

Next step--a series of 3 epidural injections, a week apart, I believe.  After the last one, wait 2 weeks, back to my ortho.  If no real relief, then his son Mark, the whiz kid in ortho surgery around these parts will operate and do "something" to relieve the pressure on the sciatic nerve.  Meanwhile, upped the pain pills and muscle relaxers, and will start another type of Phys. Therapy, this for Osteoporosis only--weight bearing and all that. Still need to take the extra calcium--wear the horrid back brace for now, during the day. Still an emotional wreck because unrelenting pain tends to do that to you.

And no Pdpc--still waiting on an appointment with attempt No. 3 in this vast wastland of mental care.  I could get an up-=close with Flipper  easier than an appt. with a reputable Pdoc and/or therapist.  In fact, Flipper might be an vast improvement--and Marine land is just up the road. (And I have a stuffed Dolphin named "Zoloft-Zoloft--faster than lightening--")

Yall have a nice day now, ya hear?  Remember, to us Scottish folks, its "FRIDAY"!!!!!  (Saint WHO???)

In the infamous words of our hero, "I want to be sedated--NOW"

Still balancing on the edge of our friendly ole panet==china

[AirMarshall]

oH China,

Its been a long couple weeks, but at least you have an idea what's going on.

[chinacat]

Won't throw shoes but no chopratctor is coming near my fragile, possibly easily fractured back, thanks anyway.

Epidural injections are heaven-sent--if they work.

[Breeze]

The will and details of my "funeral ceremony" are coming along nicely, however.

[LikeMinded]

Actually chinacat, totally sympathetic here, but since I freak out at much less, I feel like a total wuss. :-)

I was diagnosed with 'possible multiple sclerosis' back in October, and with some recent symptoms (and revelations about the type of tremor I developed last August-ish - as well as my legendary heat intolerance), even my aunt in Disgusta, aka Dr. Denial (aaka Tomasina Cruise) has got her head worried off that I actually do have MS.  (On an irrelevant note, she now is convinced and extremely distraught that I'm batshit bipolar when my dad went full-disclosure on her during his visit earlier this month - Not sure whether I'm happy or annoyed with Dad for telling her everything without my permission.)

I also share with you the diagnosis of having a back problem (though mine is severe thoracic scoliosis).  It's been compressing on my organs enough that my digestive system does not understand the concept of forward peristalsis.  I'm 5'7", but I'd be 6'1" without the scoliosis.  I've been told it will likely necessitate surgery within the next 2-4 years.  The prospect of surgery doesn't bug me - it's just my current condition of 24/7 indigestion and nausea... and the fact that I look about 4' tall when I sit down at the table.

And as for the crappy psychs/docs in your area, can you possibly get yourself transported to the nearest big city?  I'm probably going to have to be satisfied with the regular pdoc, GPdoc, and tdocs here in Disgusta (metro ~600k) (as I'll see them on a regular basis), but for my spine and possible surgery I'm willing to fly out to Indianapolis to get that done (my parents would like to be near my bedside after that one, and it doesn't hurt that I've got a very competent orthodoc there! - oooh competent doc, that's a rarity ;-) Sorry ncc, you're probably one of the very few competent docs. ;-)).  That failing, Atlanta or Charlotte, both being about 2 hours away, are also options; my uncle's side of the family would gladly travel from Disgusta to stay with me there for a bit.

But man, all I can say... sympathy with and prayers for you... I hope you get through this and can better your physical and mental health!

[jensky]

Hey China-- I haven't posted much here, but reading this thread, and then hearing stenosis, I caught a glimpse into what you're feeling....

My father had stenosis, I can't tell you in what disks, but I can tell you that he was in EXCRUCIATING pain -- I knew it was terrible because he never complains about anything and this pain drove him (well my brother did the driving) to the hospital with him in tears and wanting to die. He said  that he hadn't cried since he was 5 years old (I believe him--he usually keeps his "weak" emotions in to a degree I can barely believe). He had surgery, and now he is up and about like he hadn't been for years.

I guess I'm just saying I hear you, I've witnessed what that kind of physical pain is like, I know it can be hell to deal with.... but....  there is HOPE.

J.

[reddog]

hey China, my neighbor has spinal stenosis & he loooooves those epidurals.

[Min]

I have had two successful back surgeries (full vertabre spinal fusion for scoliosis).  It will hurt like hell once it's done but, well I don't know what exactly they're going to do, but it's pretty routine.  The pain gets better of course.

As long as you have a good doctor everything should go fine.  Good luck.

[cj2]

Chinacat: So sorry you are in such pain. Let's hope you get some relief soon. No, I hope you already got it last week.  As I was reading through your post, I was just wondering if the medication the dr gave you for pain was actually making the BP worse??  Perhaps it works well, but then when it wears off the aggitated depression goes off the charts?? 

[chinacat]

No relief--I am supposed to be "referred" to a doc who specializes in the epidurals, will have one per week x 3--but have to have a "consultation" first. So far, even with multiple calls to my doc, no ne has done one fucking thing.

I am beside myself--can't think straight, just broke down and cried at work today.  I am takeing Darvocets N-100 for pain, which I don't think are strong enough to cause anything.  Also a muscle relaxer, which work pretty well when I take two instead of one, and take it with a Klonopin.

I am going insane--or more insane than I was.  I will start again in the AM with the phone calls to the Ortho doc, and then the epidural doc--the squeeky wheel and all that--but I do not know how much longer I can take any of this. Well, at least until May 1, when my life ins. kicks in from my job.  Gotta check the suicide clause--

I have nothing to do at work but sit--and just count the minutes that the pain peaks and valleys, but never really goes away.

I feel like I am in a deep well, with no way out.

china

[reddog]

(very gently places hands on China's shoulders & gives a hug)

i am so sorry for you.  chronic pain is one of the worst things to endure & thanks to the war on drugs, doctors are scared to properly treat it, leaving patients in suffering.  i wish there was something i could do for you.

maybe if you went to the office of the doctor who is supposed to be referring you, and sat and cried in front of them until they made the call?  just a thought.  i don't understand why they take their damn time when someone's life is falling apart.  i just don't.

[ncc1701]

Heya China,

1.  Doctors are scared of pain control, probably more there than here, b/c some people get addicted.

2.  So, you have to be very very pushy yet nice about it to get medication, which usually means large doses of opioids plus neuropathic meds.

3.  I can't begin to hope there's a pain clinic around?  Rare.  Usually run by anaesthesiologists.

4.  Epidural blocks, as well as facet blocks, from what I've read and what patients've told me, *work* for many people.  Hang on.

Really.  This is rotten.  And, you and I know the pain will likely never be zero.  But, it *can* be manageable with the appropriate meds and physio.

Plus.

More shoes thrown at AM.  I love you buddy but *no chiropractic in osteoporosis.*

Keep fighting, Chinacat, expecially when it feels like you can't.

--ncc--

[AirMarshall]

More shoes thrown at AM.

[chinacat]

NEWS FLASH!!!!!  NEWS FLASH!!!!!    INCOMING BULLETIN FROM THE BIG GIANT HEAD!!!!!

China has managed to cajole, cry, whine, yell, threaten, be nice, use the Nursie card, and generally coerce the "Scheduler"--she who holds ALL the power--into scheduling the epidurals starting next Wed. the 29th, for 3 consecutive weeks.  It IS an anesthesia/pain mgt. group group--and once they figured out they didn't have to "put me to sleep" to do the injections (Versed? Said I?  Yep, she answered--"then why would I want to be asleep?  I WILL be asleep" answered China who goes out when the Versed even comes into the room) , I was on the road faster than Bing and Bob.

Only seven more days--and I have sturdy refills of the piddly, whimpy, half-assed pain meds and muscle relaxers (which, when mixed carefully with Klonopin and Ambien, produce painless sleep, but fucking WILD-ass dreams) to tide me over.

Cause it is getting worse, my walking is very limited at this point. My hugest fear--being totally incapacitated/paralized/etc--is lurking right around the corner, popping its ugly head out every few minutes to leer at me like some stupid deathvision in the dark robes, etc.

BTW, at the risk of losing my reputation as the hard-ass, biker chick, old broad that I am, you guys have really been here for me, and just being able to sit here and read your good (and often funny) thoughts and wishes has kept me from chewing the furniture up completely and killing my poor helpless husband.

Love ya--mean it--really, guys, its true--

china the pussycat (tell and you die!!)

[ncc1701]

Yay China!!!

You rock babe.

We're pullin for ya.

--ncc--

[chinacat]

Quick medical questionp-are the steroids in the epidurals gonna make me moonier than usual?  I KNOW they don't get into the bloodstream (at elast thats the goal) but--is there any chance I will become hugely manic?

(Oh, we can only hope--)

china the totally unmanic--ah for some little plain, old fashioned amphetamines!!

(Nothing designer-y, just the ole fashioned crank-kind--sigh)

[Sam]

Hey china,

I just thought I would stop by and say HEY! So, HEY! Here is my gross understatement for the day: Pain Sucks.

It sounds like you are getting the same shots that my mom got. Since then, she has been dx'ed BP, so when she had the shots, she wasn't on any meds. She didn't become more manic. So, that's my second-hand report for ya. I am sure ncc will chime in and give you the REAL answer!

I am really excited that your shots are going to begin so soon. That is terrific news. I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time. You are a really cool and helpful person. Oh, and that Darvocet? WTF? That's like an asprin. Useless.

I am jealous of your Ambien, though. I loved that stuff. Especially with alcohol! Which is bad, children. Do not try this at home!

(I'm so on board for the crank-fest!)

Sam

[skaz]

Hi China:  I can somewhat relate to what your going through.  I remember barely being able walk only a few months ago.  I hope you don't need to have surgery and that the injections give you relief!  Way to be your own advocate!  You will make it. 

I had posterior lumbar l4-l5 fusion with a laminectomy and decompression done 3 1/2 months ago.  I had terrible pain in my back and legs too.  It's scary.  Heavy duty oxycontin was a daily thing for me for 4 monthes.  If you can stand it, try staying off the heavy duty pain meds for extended periods. When I got off them I went into a depression that I'm still climbing out of.  I had two epidural steroid injections.  I still needed surgery.  I found an excellent Neurosurgeon, who did a nice job with me.  My leg pain is completely gone and my strength has returned. I'm getting better each week, and my back pain is nearly gone!  The only pain I'm having is muscle stiffness/pain because I just got out of a TSLO brace 2 weeks ago.  It's amazing what modern medicine can do. 

Sending warm thoughts your way... 

[chinacat]

What is the TSLO brace?  My ortho gave me a back brqace which I wore faithfully, at least during the day for weeks, till I realized I felt better without it.  Now I am worried that I have done more damage by NOT wearing it.

(Can anyone tell that I worry about everything in the universe?  Even air??)

I am home today from work, I just couldn't struggle thru another day.  I have a really busy day atwork tomorrow, so I figured I just had to take it easy today.  My boss and my hubby are NOT happy that I am at home, but they have no idea about this kind of pain, so screw them.

I have spent most of the day on the couch, got to get up soon and go to the drugstore for my meds --and figure out how to clean up the kitchen and cook supper.  Can't let  little thing like a majorily deteriorating back stop the wifely duties, now can we?  At least thats what my darling husband thinks. 

I try not to take any pain meds till right before I go to bed, when the pain is the worst--but I hope to god I can make it till next Wed.  And I am deathly afraid that this isn't going to work, that nothing really will work, that my spine will crumble like a cracker being crunched in your hand when they try to do anything, and there I will be--wheelchairbound for the next ____ years.

Jesus I am scared of this.

china, the fraidy-cat

[skaz]

China:  You may feel a bit hyped up after the steroid injections, at least I did.  But steroids have allways activated me.

The TSLO brace is a back brace used for stability after fusion surgery.  It keeps your back immobile so that fusion can take place. 

[ncc1701]

Heya China,

Like skaz said.

Steroids often make BPers go manic-ish.  This is meds and *not* you.  If it gets bad, something like APs can help short-term.

The brace sucks, but has good longer-term effects and it's a good plan to keep it on as tolerated.

You'll be okay.

--ncc--

[chinacat]

I thought steroid epidural injections did not get into systemic/blood circulation--thats what I always told my preggos.  Am I wrong??  If its not in circulation, why would it make me manic???

china, the ever-curious

[ncc1701]

Heya ChinaOB,

That's what blood tests show.  Definitely.

But hey.

It *is* getting into either the spinal or epidural space.

So *could* I would think affect the brain from there?  I don't know.

And it's all about brains for us nutcases.

So I would think (though I have nothing whatsoever to back me up except my own twisted logic) that spinal/epidural steroids could potentially cause/contribute to mania.

(shrugs)

--ncc--

[chinacat]

Well, fellow inmates,we wil know the ansswers to this and othr pressing questions that i am sure are burning a hole in your already-ventalated heads in about an hour, as I am off to the Surgical Center, sleepyhubby in tow, for the 1st of 3 epidural steroid injections in my lower back.

china, visions of versed dancing thru her head--

[Anelize]

China--

I'm glad you're seeing the father/son team--I am VERY familiar with that group.  I work very close with them with my worker's comp cases, and our facility does short term rehab on many of their clients.  They do beautiful work, and have a top-notch rep throughout the tri-county area.

I wish you well, and will be thinking you.  Feel free to PM me anytime.

[chinacat]

Oh, dear Anna--you do mean the Gillespies of greater Daytona, right?  If so, you have just given me a gift beyond words--When you know no one, its such a crap shoot--thank you, thank you, thank you--

now for the update--

The epidural took exacly 45 minutes from start to getting back in the van--but I have abslutely no relief--"yet"  They say it could take 48 hours or so.  Bad part was, when I  "woke up" from my 10 minute Versed nap, I was in the worst pain I have ever exerienced in my life, and was practically screaming.  Then, I managed to get to the van, and after being at home an hour. realized I needed something, NOW, for pain, and R. had to leave for work in 45 minutes.  Between the doc and Walgreen's, they got me some Lortab in about 30 minutes, I took it, and the misery contiues.  Something they did/gave me gave me horrible diarrhea, and my leg still will not hold my weight.  I am not a happy camper, but may be a napping camper soon.

They have 2 more chances to get this right, then its surgery.  I am still scared shitless, tho the surgery center was great--very professional, and caring, and paid attention to what I told them.

Thanks for the good wishes and all that stuff, kids--

Love, china, depressed, in pain, but hopeful for the 1st time in a very long time--

[reddog]

that sounds par for the epidural course.  don't give up yet. 

[invictus61101]

I used to be scared to death of being hurt or sick when I was a kid.  But after my diagnosis, I became a lot less fearful about things like that.  I'm not even scared of dying.  As far as pain goes, I've always kind of enjoyed that.  For instance, I thought unmedicated child birth felt good and I think getting a tattoo feels good too.

[chinacat]

Hey, I loved having babies--but there is pain, and then there is pain, and this--this is just not like anything I have evern experienced.

Tried the Lortab, tried napping, tried every position known to man, some of which I know must be illegal to do alone---

And I cannot sleep, in any position at all--just as bad as every other night in the past month when I tried to sleep.  I am very frustrated, I know I need to be pateint, but I guess I thought it would be SOME better by now..  I have to go back to work tomorrow, and go thru all this again next week--and the week after, and then maybe still have surgery that we can't begin to afford, because of all the work I will have to miss.But thats months away--its just NOW it hurts so fucking much.

I am so tired of crying, and hurting and crying and feeling sorry for myself and being a FUCKING WIMP.  I think perhaps, if it hurt less, anything would be preferable to this.

china--just china, hurting, sad, worried, impatient, and soon to be over-medicated

[stable not balanced]

I really, really feel your pain with you.  I had a bulging disc once and the chiroprator only made it worse by popping this thing into my back!  Right on the spot where it bulged!  In time, the pain went away, but I can aggravate it quite easily.  I know its no comparison to what you are going through, but I have been laid up for a week several times because it hurt to even pee!

I hope you find a way to ease your pain.  Don't stop trying!  Next year this time, it will all be behind you!

Oh, this is past history, you have others things to think about now, but I think it was okay that you were planning your funeral and getting your affairs in order.  At the time, you realized that you hadn't done so.  You could control that outcome, but not the results of back surgery.

Please stay safe and don't give up!  Take the hard stuff if you absolutely have too.  But, that might mean withdrawals in the future.  A girl at work had to do that in order just to exist.  But, her back surgery was successful and she did have to withdrawal from Oxy.  If you can get by without, then great.

Take care of yourself!

Kathryn

[chinacat]

Not only can I NOT get by without some really BIG SHIT Oxy or something--even Diluadid--I CANNOT FIND ANYONE THAT WILL GIVE ME ANYTHING MORE THAN LORTAB.

I am dying here and no one gives a rats ass.  'Cept. you guys--my husband, he's just scared, and when he gets scared, he gets mad--and it seems like its at me.Which makes me appreciate you kiddies more every minute that I manage to not run screaming into the day.  I was actually beating my head on a wall a few minutes ago--

I just hurt--

And I don't even know anyone in this hellhole to get anything legal or illegal from.

china, who would take anything she could find, and is about to take EVERYTHING she can find.

[realitytest]

Wooh,

Didn

[Anelize]

Oh, dear Anna--you do mean the Gillespies of greater Daytona, right?  If so, you have just given me a gift beyond words--When you know no one, its such a crap shoot--thank you, thank you, thank you--

now for the update--

The epidural took exacly 45 minutes from start to getting back in the van--but I have abslutely no relief--"yet"  They say it could take 48 hours or so.  Bad part was, when I  "woke up" from my 10 minute Versed nap, I was in the worst pain I have ever exerienced in my life, and was practically screaming.  Then, I managed to get to the van, and after being at home an hour. realized I needed something, NOW, for pain, and R. had to leave for work in 45 minutes.  Between the doc and Walgreen's, they got me some Lortab in about 30 minutes, I took it, and the misery contiues.  Something they did/gave me gave me horrible diarrhea, and my leg still will not hold my weight.  I am not a happy camper, but may be a napping camper soon.

They have 2 more chances to get this right, then its surgery.  I am still scared shitless, tho the surgery center was great--very professional, and caring, and paid attention to what I told them.

Thanks for the good wishes and all that stuff, kids--

Love, china, depressed, in pain, but hopeful for the 1st time in a very long time--

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yep, that's absolutely who I mean.  I'm not being condesceding (sp), but have you spoken directly to your MD (not his nurse) about your pain and asked for something stronger?  I would explain it in terms of functionality rather than "I am in excruciating pain and can't stand it".  For example, I can't sit on a toilet.  I can't  get out of bed.  I am unable to get out of my car.  Anyhow, I hope you don't misconstrue this as talking down to you, because I'm not.  I just hope you can get some relief soon.  I just work with these MDs every day, and I know that they are not interested in having suffering clients.  Getting through their office people can be a drag though.

Good luck.

[chinacat]

Anna and all--no I am such a wimp abut asking for  pain meds. cause I look pretty "Biker-like" so often, and I know docs think of folks like that as "med seekers" And alas, many of us, because we are/were "med seekers" have hugly HIGH tolerences for benzos,smphetamines, and pain meds (LIKE ME--takes 2 Klonopin, sometimes 3 for me to even realize I have taken anything, or for the anxiety to go down--and pain meds?  Same thing.  We won't even discuss the "stimulant" issue")

But believe me, NO MORE.  I will be asking in a very assertive way for BETTER MEDS if/when I need then.(maybe I'll dress up or something-LOL)  I like the idea of the Fentanyl patch, cause its not systemic--but hopefully--

Now for the good news--about 4 AM this morning, I realized I was sleeping in any position I chose, with NO PAIN. NONE. I could roll over, move aound in bed, een get up and walk to the bathroom, without pain.

Now, I must be honest and tell you that as the day goes by, I am having twinges, some close to pain, but none that have required the Lortab.  That may be necessary tonite, but we will see.

But for now, as pain-free as I have been in, oh, 3-4 months

china, no longer banging her head into the wall and screaming into a pillow.

[AirMarshall]

F A B U L O U S !

A.M.

[chinacat]

Alas, spoke too soon--

I can no longer walk or drive my car--

Happened very suddenly this afternoon, very different.

This is the pain and situation that I was most afraid of.

I am virtually immobiized.

china

[Waterfall]

I thought steroid epidural injections did not get into systemic/blood circulation--thats what I always told my preggos.  Am I wrong??  If its not in circulation, why would it make me manic???

china, the ever-curious

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I can tell you as a childbirth educator that the drugs injected into the dura space for an epidural does get into your system and does affect the baby.  Many babies will have sucking problems after being born when the mother has an epidural on board.

So I would think that since it gets to the baby, it must get into the mother's blood stream, and hence, so would the steroids.

[chinacat]

Curious--not to doubt you, but I also am a certified CB Educator and an RN, and always read in research, etc. that epidural injections did NOT get into circulation.

Don't get me wrong, I loathe the trend toward epidural deliveries--it is so much intervention that can be avoided.  But physiologically, I don't understand how an injection into the epidural space can enter the blood stream of the reciepeint.

Any docs aboard?  Research?  If we can find some, maybe we oughta move this to the preggers board.

Erika?  (our reseach queen--)

china the curious

[Waterfall]

http://pregnancytoday.com/experts/a-epimedcross.htm

I think I read that there is very little absorption into the patient's bloodstream but there is a little.  That small amount of steroids probably wouldn't be enough to affect a person, hopefully.

I hope you are feeling better today!!!

[AirMarshall]

Ok,

regarding Epidural Spinal Injection (ESI) we need to be careful here as to what we are referencing.

[chinacat]

AM--what a great reply, thanks so much for helping me unferstand--

unfortunately, see most recent topic, they put me on a Prednisone pak today, I started it at noon, and am as batshit off the wall crazy as I have ever been inmy entire life. Sigh--

china--so wishing for sleep or something to make ALL this stop.