The things people do to people

[Adnama]

Ugh, i hate people, I want to live in a hut some where.... with a computer and a highspeed internet connection. But to deal with them in the real world on a daily basis, forget it 

I'm going to put this here because I think my bipolar-ness had alot of influence on how I've handled the various sitiations and crap I'm about to describe and... ugh I dunno just... blah

Ok... long story... complicated story.... I'll try to condence but.... gah.

Ok, so one of the most important activities in my young highschool life right now is UIL One Act Play compitition. It's like the biggest thing that happens in texas highschool theatre all year. I've done some acting, but my true calling is behind the curtains as a techie- stagemanager. My school made history last year when we made it to the regional level of the compition [one step below state] for the first time ever in my school's history. This year it's a bunch of the same kids, minus the seniors, pluse a bunch of new kids, we have an awsome play- and it's worthy of state[The History of Tom Jones]. We have to at least get back to regionals, but our eyes are on state.

Alot of [most of] the same people who are in theatre are also in speech and debate. This past weekend was the state speech and debate turnoment. Six of our actors went off to that, six of our more experianced actors, the ones who went to one act last year, and the ones with some of the bigger parts in the play this year- and six of our actors were caught at 2 A.M. hideing the boys in the girl's room. I happen to know that in reality they were drinking and smoking. The coach that caught them didn't see though, so officially they're just in trouble for being out of their rooms and lying-mostly it's the lying.

So as of monday, it looked these six actors were going to get kicked out of One Act.

We compete the week after next, next week is spring break, we're can't technicaly rehearse during spring break.

It's very hard to get me angry. I stuff it and I stuff it and I stuff it. I always forgive and forget.

Unfortunately once you do get me angry it's not pretty, because then all that stuffed anger comes out in a very large EXPLOSION. Sometimes that happens over something that turns out to be kinda stupid in the end.

Well you know what... One act is very important to me, so in this case, from where I was standing on monday when this all went down, I think the Super Nova was warranted.

HOW FUCKING DARE THEY!? FUCKING imature, moronic, idiotic, IMBECILES! They can drink and fuck around at 2 AM any old day, but no, they have to do it on the fucking school trip. How selfish and and selfcentured do you have to be to do something like that without even pauseing for a second to consider that there might just be consequences that could affect someone else!?

By the time school was out on monday, I could have seized any one of them and beat their face in.

Now here's the clincher- one of the purpertrators was my "best friend."

I have a better clincher, that best friend has been treating me like dirt, like an abused dog, for a long long time now. That's a big huge long and involved story of it's own... we've always had a very strange relationship. That boy has saved my life multipul times, he completely suported my everything through my depression, I owe him more than words or deeds could ever express or repay. But he goes through cycles, one day he's awsome and nice and great to be with, the next he gets a hair up his ass and he's mean and nasty and awful. He publicly teases me, he belittles me, back when I was more dependent on him he would purposely dangle that infront of my nose- as if he weren't my friend any more or something. I pay for his cell phone, I buy him clothes, and cds, and "stuff." He'll randomly get mad at me, he leaves no room to wonder that he's the dominate male pig and I don't matter... I mean... and other times he's so careing, and he's so understanding, and he's so wonderful.

I was thinking about our friendship alot those few days that he was gone. Then he got back and I was mad at him- for completely different reasons with every right, I was just as mad at him as I was at any of the others.

But oh no, that can't be. I'm supposed to be on his side and pat him on the back and say that it's ok that he was drinking and being stupid, and it's everyone else's fault that he got kicked out of the play.

But no, it's his fault, and I let him know that. And boy oh boy, he can't stand it when I'm right and he's wrong. It came down to him phsyically attacking me, infront of everyone, and showing his true colors. Like the cunning and crule bastard he is, he turned the tables and said just the right thing to hurt me the most. This guy was my soul mate- he knows me inside out. So when he started screaming that he needed a friend now, and he thought I was his friend, but I'm betraying him, and I'm stabing him in the back- it was like someone swung a mallet right into the middle of my chest.

Does this make sence to anyone else? So now I'm wrong again, because I failed to be a careing friend.... and oh my god.... furthermore, I failded to be a careing friend, and that cut me right to the bone. Even though I'm questioning his motives, even though I know we need to part ways... it's hard to explain.... anyone?

That was broken up, I left, went somewhere where none of them could see me, and proceeded to beat on a door with all the strength I had. I almost broke my hand. How fucking dare he. HOW FUCKING DARE HE DO THAT TO ME. He didn't mean any of that- it was a preformance. A crule, calculateing preformance. He did it because he knew that not only would it be a knife in my heart, but he would be twisting it. That would be the thing he could say given what he had that would hurt me the most.

Obviously we're never going to speek to each other ever again.

As friends anyway.... as... team mates, that may be a different story.

As it seems someone decided that kicking them out of the play was too harsh [Given what they were caught doing officaly, this is true, good thing they didn't see what they were really doing] so they're all back. Oh yay, hostal work enviornments are always fun.

Him and I will have to work out some sort of professional contract.

Ugh, this has been such a bad week.... as far as real world stressers go. But... I'm so totally surprized, depression wise... I'm... normal. This should have triggered the depression to end all depressions in me, I should have gone and fucking bashed my own scull in on monday or something knowing the state I'm usually in given a less hurtful event, but I still can't believe how well I'm handling this.

Sigh. I knew this guy [who is was just a close gay friend btw] was a pretty awful human being, but... you have to go above and beyond at bastard training to learn those tricks. 

[revlow]

I'm really sorry to hear about your (ex-) friend. No doubt it hurts, and it hurts bad.

On the other hand, I'm so happy to hear how well you are handling all this. A few weeks ago, you had serious doubts about being able to deal with everything you needed to do at this point, and yet here you are now dealing with it so well. And with grace and dignity, too.

Many pats on the back, Adnama. Yes, indeed they were f'ing morons, and had

[Seldarin]

I dated a girl that worked with the theatre and she drug me in to help her build stuff sometimes. If you aren't crazy when ya go in, you are when ya come out. Those places are madhouses. But techie girls are great!

Anyway. It sounds like your ex-friend could use a diagnosis of his own.

Narcissism maybe?

Like revlow said, your idignation is righteous and you have every reason to be pissed. I hope for your and the rest of the department that didn't screw up sakes' that the play still does well.

Maybe the people that're left can meet up somewhere and rehearse away from the school, or something?

[stable not balanced]

Maybe you feel normal because you actually made a stand about something you care so deeply about.  You told it like it was.  You were you.  (positive)

Maybe he would trigger your depressions by being one person one moment and another another moment.

If he treated you poorly in front of others, he is also showing them his true self.

If you become friends with him again, you will show your true self (negative).  Don't let that happen.  But, if he ever seeks help, definitely be there for him.

Hope your play went well!

Kathryn