It's been a long while since my last visit here, and even longer since last writing anything.
I don't know where to write this, or even what to write, but there really is no one else to talk to.
So... long story short, I attempted suicide about 6 months ago (not my first try), and obviously, failed at that, again. I have been in a relationship more or less 5 years now, and I guess I can summarize that into "it's complicated". Things have been going from bad to worse since the suicide attempt. To a point that few weeks ago, my (I don't know what to call him, "partner"?) was violent towards me (not really the first time this kind of thing has happened, but certainly the worst).
He so angry all the time (at me, I guess.. and certainly some of it is completely justified), it feels like he is expecting me to be "grateful" for him saving my life, and when I can't, it makes things even worse.
It doesn't really make things any easier, that we both have some pretty serious issues. Me with depression, and trauma-related dissociative "disorder" (?), or at least a tendency to dissociate in difficult situations. And he with alcohol abuse, and some traumas of his own.
Anyway, right now we are still living in the same house (he is occupying most of the space, and I am kind of living in my workroom) but we don't really have a "together-life". I don't have a lot of friends in general, and the few I have are living relatively far from where I live. My mother lives not-too-far-away, but we aren't very close, and I can't imagine talking to her about this.
I've been experiencing depersonalization frequently recently but I don't understand why. I probably don't fit the criteria of depersonalization disorder so the only other reason I could experience is if I used a psychedelic substance, which I do not. I've been wondering if depression is the cause of the depersonalization as it often, but not always, happens during MDD episodes. Could this be correct?
I worked my way up to 5mg of Zyprexa last 10 days, but still very irritable. I snap at everyone, so everyone is naturally leaving me alone. I don't like living this way. Left a message with my prescribing doctor about this irritability issue. Update, prescribing doc called and suggested I go up 1/4 of a tablet and get the irritability and mood swings under control before I start the Lamictal. So, took another 1/4 tablet which makes 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet I have taken so far this morning.
Seizure doc prescribed Lamictal, but holding off starting that until I feel more stable on Zyprexa.
Zyprexa used to calm my mind, not sure why it's not working so well this time around. I have been on all the other anti-psychotics and Zyprexa is the only one I can tolerate. Anti-depressants don't work for me, can't tolerate any of the SSRI's.
In the middle of a card game last Monday, I got mad at one of the players, threw my cards down on the table and left. That is not like me, I never display anger towards anyone. Very upset over all this irritability and moodiness and now what happened at the card game, very ashamed of my behavior. I have since apologized to the person I offended, will attend the card game this evening and see how I do. Gulp !!
Deleted post and closed due to lack of response.
I will try to keep this brief. I was always depressed and my senior year of college (a year ago) I had a major psychotic break where I literally thought I was flying through the universe. I was hospitalized in for two weeks, and I have been trying to fine tune my meds. I am working closely with my Pdoc, but am getting very discouraged. Any input would be appreciated.
Lithium is what brought be out of my mania, and I have been on 900mg er every since.
I have gone thru Latuda. Could only get to 60 mg. I took with food, but still felt ill most of the time.
Cannot take Lamictal due to headaches.
Tried Vryalar and I felt like I was crawling out of my skin.
I am now up to 4mg of Rexulti as of last weekend. My Paranoia is the highest it has been since my hospitalization. Saw my Pdoc Friday and he said too soon to tell on the increased dosage and I can go from 7. out of 10 to 3 out of 10 in a matter of minutes. He added a small dose of Lexapro to help with my depression.
Rexulti has been the best drug from a side effect profile. If I could rid myself of the paranoia I would almost be normal.
Does anyone have any suggestions? Really appreciate it.