All mixed up - medication is all mixed up

[Dewey]

This is what I go thru every day from the moment I wake up: anxiety throughout the day, uncontrollable anxiety and panic only when I leave my home, dissociation in times of high stress and high anxiety and panic, insomnia every night, daily depression, scary cycling mood swings.

My psych doc called me on a Saturday afternoon (now this doc is semi-retired and only works 3 days a week now). I was shocked when I saw his name come up on caller ID.  He was calling to suggest I go into the hospital until I become stabilized.  Stabilized in one week, no way I say.  It's gonna take time for that to happen.  He said with the dissociation and everything else I am going thru on a daily basis he is worried I might self harm.  I assured him I am not at that point and he knows that I call him when I need to go back in, plus I have a new kitten and don't want anyone in my home anyway. I think I can manage all this at home.  I will be seeing him on Tuesday.  That was soo out of character for him to call me like that, kinda got my attention and am I worse off then I realize.  I have known him for 30+ years and he knows me well, so I have to trust his direction. His concern is that I am in the middle of a perfect storm and anything can happen and he worries that if anything triggers me I might not be able to control what happens to me.

Then several neighbors stopped by to see if I was okay as they have not seen me last week, curtains have remained closed, not answering phones nor texts.  I know I have been avoiding alot of neighbors now as I am selectively avoiding those that trigger me and those that knocked on my door I call them "the axis of terror" for what they have been known to do to other people here. So, I had their phones on block.  I have been protecting myself while I work on medication and mood and it's nobody's business. 

Had a game of RummyKub set up for this evening and really looked forward to this all week, and everyone just canceled, really bummed about that.

I have had no interest in bath, washing my hair, eating.  I can't focus on TV, can't read, nor listen to my book tapes. No interest in anything, I am soo flooded with anxiety/panic.

My HMO has restricted how many benzos I take, I have been on Klonopin for 30 years and that takes the edge off, but have to stock pile them due to the restrictions and delays in getting the medication to me, so had to cut back and that makes my anxiety worse.

So, back to my psych doc.  The plan is to keep me on Seroquel (1/2 of a 25 mg) at night for sleep and for mood control for now during the day until I see him next week.  It just sedates me too much if I take more than 1/2 of 25 mg in a 24 hour period.  But the Seroquel puts the breaks on mood cycling, I just can't tolerate the side effects, they never go away, just increase.

So, I am going to suggest to him for sleep (I want to get off Seroquel due to over sedation and muscle rigidity), Ambien or Trazodone.  I read up that Trazodone helps with insomnia, panic, migraine.  Then I need a mood stabilizer/seizure medication so may go back on Depakote and Xanax for rescue from intense anxiety/panic.  I don't want to go back on Lithium. 

Goal for the day, making my bed and taking a bath, maybe washing my hair.

 

[CrazyRedhead]

@Dewey,  I think Trazodone could be a good choice for you.......It is my main sleep med.......I am on 200mg, but if your doc says you can try it, you might be started on a lower dose to begin with.....

I did try Ambien for sleep, but it didn't work too well for me.....Of course that doesn't mean it won't work for you, because we are all different.

I wish you the best at your pdoc appointment next week.......I think you have a good plan.....

[Dewey]

2 hours ago, CrazyRedhead said:

@Dewey,  I think Trazodone could be a good choice for you.......It is my main sleep med.......I am on 200mg, but if your doc says you can try it, you might be started on a lower dose to begin with.....

I did try Ambien for sleep, but it didn't work too well for me.....Of course that doesn't mean it won't work for you, because we are all different.

I wish you the best at your pdoc appointment next week.......I think you have a good plan.....

Thank you Red *smiles*

[Dewey]

Update:  I have been taking 1/4 of a 25 mg of Seroquel, increased Klonopin to 1 mg at bedtime.  Been sleeping thru the night.

Side effect is rigid muscles throughout body and morning sedation that usually wears off by 3:00.  Now is when anxiety/panic/paranoia starts to ink in. 

Hoping I can get a ride tomorrow to see my psych doc, this is always an issue since I have no transportation.  It's very difficult to depend upon volunteers to take me places.

I have been spending more and more, finally one specialty card cut me off as I am now maxed out. However, I have gone years without and have been buying necessary items, not things I wanted, but things I needed, that is my justification.

I have along list of medications to try, and to fess up and admit to my spending habits. 

The issue of my plumbing pipes is on-going.  The pipes are located in my bedroom closet and over the past 3 months have been constantly waking me up with loud bangs.  Met with management/maintenance last week and they claim they will do nothing until I tape record the noise to help them identify what it is coming from.  I tried unsuccessfully to tape with my tape recorder and they said I have to go out and buy a better quality tape recorder.  I'm sorry, but this is not my responsibility since I am renting.  So, I went over their heads to upper management who wrote me back that he has requested they hire a plumber to access and repair as needed.  I'm sure my name is mud.  Last time I did this, my landlord refused to renew my Lease and my renewal is coming up.  I also have broken blinds, etc which they are not attending to.  There is just me, only me and no one to help me with this so this has been upsetting.

My complaint against my primary at my HMO was closed by Medicare because my HMO refused to provide my medical records, get that !!  How can my HMO get away with that, but they surely did.  I have been battling with my HMO for a year now over a serious medical problem that they are refusing to address and help me with, so had to go outside my HMO for quality care which I am now getting, but I lodged a complaint against my primary for poor standard of care. 

Then the Axis of Fear (three ladies) came to visit my new kitten and took pictures of him before I could object.  I should never have let them in my home. Why I did that.... I guess I dissociated.  I remember sitting there looking at them feeling fear and questioned myself (I could see myself sitting beside them from afar) why I let them in but could not cut the visit short, I was totally helpless. 

I am soo tired of living in dissociation land, not being able to defend myself, getting the help I need, getting to doctors appts.  Sometimes it just seems too much and why bother.  So, off I go spending again to comfort myself.