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Hey, everyone. 

I'm wondering if anyone has ever been violent during a psychotic break and how they've dealt with it? During my first Bipolar psychosis last year, I lost control of my body and assaulted my mom; it felt like actual demonic possession as I watched myself hurt her in a rageful trance. I would NEVER do anything violent in my right mind as I quite literally lost control of my body and my mind went on auto-pilot.

My PTSD from the incident has left me feeling numb and depressed and I'm just now starting to process what happened. I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that people tell me that it wasn't my fault; my therapist told me today that I am not my illness. Obviously, it's going to take time for me to believe them and stop shaming myself for what my illness did. My mom has forgiven me because she understands that my illness caused the attack, not me. I just don't know to make sense of it all yet because it's usually the victims of violence that have PTSD, not necessarily the perpetrators, but my case is definitely different since I'm not a violent person to begin with. I'm struggling to blame a non-physical entity like my mental illness for something physical like an assault, harboring an invisible demon that caused a visible violence. 

Edited by alen
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@alen

 

I’ve had trouble trying to be violent towards others but having men much larger than me (my father, then later in life my husband) hold me down completely so I could only scratch them or bang my own head against the wall. I was fully psychotic, out of my mind. I am not a violent person normally at all, ever.

When my husband had to hold me down completely, our apartment neighbors called 911 because I was screaming and crying and banging my head against the wall.

My father gave me a guilt trip and showed me the spots on his body where I made him bleed from scratching him while he held me down until I calmed down some. I will never forget being suppressed underneath his body and scratching him and screaming to let me go. It was difficult for me to breathe. I thought I was going to die like that.  

The first time I was in a state institution on the lowest level ward, I nearly had to be brought up to the next ward on a stretcher. They threatened me and said they have had to do that with people before. I felt like the people on the new ward were going to murder me. They wouldn’t listen. So I followed them upstairs, scared to death. 

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I am not a violent person by any means..

I am very peaceful..

I once attacked my mom as well..I had no idea what I was doing..

It was as though something had taken over me..

I was in some kind of possessed rage that I couldn't control..

It was as though I found her as a threat..

I'd been hearing voices..was completely gone..

She is much smaller than me and luckily I didn't injure her..

My brother at the time happened to be here and held me back..

 

She has since forgiven me..

Understanding that it wasn't me but my illness that took over..

But honestly I still fear myself and have trouble forgiving myself..

I try to think about what I did as a mistake that will hopefully never happen again..

 

Keep talking with your therapist about it..

 

Edited by coraline
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