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Snubbed or paranoid?


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So, I was befriended by this guy at my new job who really wanted to go out with me.  He asked me out and would always told me how "cool" "nice" and "pretty" I am, etc.  He would basically always flatter me and call me and ask to have lunch with me.

Unfortunately, he wasn't my type so I made it clear to him that I would *love* to be his friend but that I "wasn't looking for a boyfriend at this time."

Long story short, we became friends.  We'd talk about twice a week and we'd actually pick each other's minds about the opposite sex, etc.  He'd ask me for advice about talking to girls and I was happy to give it, and I'd tell him about guys I'd met.  It seemed that we really were just starting to develop a real friendship--and I don't have any close friends who are guys.  Anyway, he started dating someone and now I never hear from him!!!

The paranoid person in me wonders if I've offended him or he's suddenly decideded I'm no longer "cool" or worth his time.  Or...is it normal for friends to disappear when they are dating someone new?  (And is it normal for other friends to just disappear sometimes for no reason?)  How should I approach things?  It's just such a big difference to go from 2 calls per week to none.  What's the deal?  Should I just assume that it's not "me" but that he's in love?

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  • 2 weeks later...

yeah, it's normal to lose contact/not spend as much time with your friends when you get into a relationship. he probably doens't think about it...he's too busy thinking about doing the nasty with the new person.

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I second reddog's view of things.

Other considerations:  His new squeeze, besides taking up all his time, may be very insecure and freaked out about him having friendships with the opposite sex so in order to keep peace (and keep getting laid!) he's cooled it with you for a little while.  If this is the case it could continue until he can make this new love feel a bit more secure or realize she's not worth the compromise.

He himself may have some outdated belief that in order to remain true to his new girlfriend he must cut himself off from all contact with other members of the opposite sex.  I think it's ridiculous and immature, but from reading around on other types of internet forums on dating & marriage, it's more a more common attitude than you might think.

He also might feel weird because you began your friendship when he started coming on to you, and now's he's a bit uncomfortable to be around you that he's in a romantic relationship with someone else.  It's been my experience that guys are willing to talk about relationships as an abstract concept like you and he were doing, or years later after it's all over, but I've yet to hear of a guy ready to talk about the relationship currently going on in his life. 

You can't live with them, you can't without them.......

But whatever it is, I would bet all the drugs on Crazyboards that it's got nothing to do with you or anything you've done.   

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Hi devon,

When I am in a relationship, I lose touch with most of my friends. I am just pretty much consumed by my guy and I don't have much interest in anyone else. And yeah, that sounds selfish. But, my guy would be all I would want to talk about, and all I would want to DO during the call would be talk about him, so I figure it's just better to lay low for a while.

None of that has anything to do with anyone being insecure or jealous, or me feeling weird or anything. I just get exceedingly preoccupied.

Pick up the phone and give him a call. I always feel good when someone goes out of their way to contact me even though I am being a crappy friend at the time.


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