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Familiar triumphs happiness....

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Indecisiveness, but knowing what i should do. Staying stuck in my head with irrational thoughts. Want to change my happiness but not knowing how to start (afraid to leave the familiar and failing). Meds dont help so i just lay in bed depressively saying to myself your a lazy peice of crap. And other low blows to myself. How to end a relationship that enables you but dang thats the best you've been loved. However, you cant see a future with them. Ex on the mind, master manipulation. Mental illness is just in your head, shake it off. WOULD HAVE BE NOW IF I COULD. Divorce.... mind cant rest want him but not how it was. Unhappy with body image, job, living situation ect... want to be gonebut im too afraid to die. But im really not living just existing. BPD/ depression/ panic disorder/ traits ptsd... need help cant bring myself to try again. Been many years but worse the last 2-3 years. Only 29yrs old, innocence stolen at 5yrs old. 

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Not living, just existing. I'm sure many of us have felt the same way. There's comfort in the familiar even if it is damaging, and it can be hard to venture into the new and unfamiliar even if you know that you need to change. It is all in your head but it's not 'just' in your head. Everyone's reality is in their head, and in some people's reality saying that it's just in your head is helpful. Fucking isn't. But mental illness is difficult to understand for those who haven't experienced it themselves. Their intentions might be good even if their words are bullshit. Why don't you try to cheer up! Yeah that's fucking genius! I'm cured!


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