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I made it through the day yesterday...pretty much adult all the way through....amazingly...it always amazes me how little I can be in therapy one day and next day go into work and cope reasonably well...and a 10 hour work day, as my Thursdays always are (I work in a public library) are always somewhat of a marathon...)but I wrote a poem...when I couldn't surf MH forums etc online as the whole computer network was down half the day nearly....I like my poem. creativity always helps me integrate, or rather accept the realities of my younger parts.

I'm pretty sure I have (probably complex) PTSD, if not DD NOS. Although I am only diagnosed with Depression....I'm kind of thinking how old could my depressed parts be? I know some of it is newborn, some baby, some toddler, some child, some teenager, and some of it is my adult coping self's reaction to seeing her life before her, all that's happened....

Its really the anxiety that has always been more pronounced for me, and that feels more defined...the baby and 5-9 year old parts are very definitely anxious, and its those I usually go to when I dissociate....but now the baby part is more secure, feels safer and 'held' and its a sanctuary as I can image myself cradled in my therapist's arms - we talk lots about things like that....

Its hard for my little katie to feel what its like to feel loved....this is the current stage of my therapy...we've worked long and hard on building up baby katie's safety...before Christmas my therapist used a lot of physical touch with me when I was in the baby state, and that really helped....

a lot of work with baby katie was scary, but in many ways its clearer, little katie's world is more complex. and the shadows are more vivid and clear and multi-dimensional. this is real entry into the unknown territory....

I can't really describe what we went through on Wednesday, though I can remember it.....I can't put it into words......

Comments welcome....

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hi nestling,

i wonder if you feel it would be useful to get a dx beyond your depression. this has come up for me and i think i keep going toward thinking it wouldn't be for me, but that's really just a personal reflection.

it sounds like you have an amazing trust relationship with your t. and i guess the good thing about therapists is that they will go to those places, unwaveringly.

and with therapists, we all have a little baby. (the idea that therapists don't dx, and in some way this is a really good place to be in, because for instance, i feel i can let more of it out at my therapist's without feeling like i am being computized, monitored and transmutated into a coded box.

i hope you write more nestling, like the stuff that happened you don't have words for yet, maybe sometime words will start to emerge. i think when we talk about therapy sessions the lessons in there can be even more actualized and a side effect is helping others.

really important work.

i have more to say but it's not ready to be said yet.  ;)

something about the anxious state (i had a trauma before i was born i think made me anxious in a pervasive way). oh. maybe i said it

pj

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Thanks pj.

I've just had therapy. and tried to explain to my therapist about what Wednesday was like for me....and its so frustrating, because I can't find the right words...that I felt then how I felt when I was a child with my parents, and my father's......and how on Wednesday I could express what I hadn't been able to *back then* or had tried......but wasn't understood and was only met with anger and mis comprehension......

Part of the conflict in me is my wanting what I didn't have *back then* (and with bad period pain and a headache a bit of soothing back rub and stuff wouldn't go amiss, lol.)and.......I can't reach across, because there is a part of me that blocks the younger self's expression, punishes her and shuts her up...wants validation and protection from my therapist, want her to make it safe for me.

What triggered me on Wednesday was that there was a ladder up outside the window of our therapy room....and I didn't feel safe....it triggered lots of complex feelings....and brought out a part of me that has never so clearly been exposed before....and it feels intensely vulnerable.....if I could continue in the relationship in therapy as that 5 year old....she/I might have been able to express what was going on....and I'd know more about how I am really feeling....if I could curl up on her lap and tell her where it hurts, if she could be with that little girl who cried at night because she felt so scared and alone and lost, who sat and cried on the stairs until my parents woke up and let me go into their bed and snuggle up with mum....but then I never got to talk about how I was feeling...and dad was annoyed because I was disturbing his night's sleep....and all the other oedipal/electra type feelings....the shadows....and the shadows of his undiagnosed and untreated mental illness.....

yes, I would like an additional dx......but, I only see my psychiatrist every 3 months now...and if I raise the question of diagnosis, last time when I asked him (when the 2 med students were observing) he said I'd already disognosed myself, and that I had problems and depression and panic attacks and anxiety because of what happened to me in the past.....

maybe I could ask him next time (in a month or so's time) that I have this hyper-vigilance, and fear and that its not of what's in the present, but...and the jumpiness etc.....

The thing is, his only job is to keep my meds in check. my therapist is doing the *real* work with me, which is as it should be, as you say, and she won't diagnose me......although who knows what she puts in her notes....

I have a pretty good idea that my psych suspects some form of personality disorder......but its really the PTSD and dissociation etc that I want acknowledged, not so that I'm sick because of my past but that I coped the best way I could with pretty dire circumstances, and I froze off, and now I'm becoming conscious and.......

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nestling-

I know what it feels like to want acknowledgement and validation for all i've experienced. i've had therapy for many years now and with a number of tdocs and pdocs. one doctor i know said people have had the same ailments and problems since the beginning of time- the only thing that changes it what people call them. its taken a long time of discussing my need for validation in dx to get a more complete diagnostic picture.

Some think its great to not be pigeon holed into a diagnosis- but i feel like it gives me a sense i belong somewhere- that if there's a name- that someone might really understand how i feel and be able to help me get better.

it has however as i said taken years. I believe my first waw GAD ( don't know what they called it back then). IT seemed like i had to work hard to "convince " people i had ptsd or an eating disorder. ( even though i was insanely hypervigilant, anxious, dissociative and weighed only 100 lbs- it was like i could n't get anyone to see me.

i've taken out paper and pen with my current tdoc a number of times to update my understanding of the dx( diagnosis). We list them out.in writing. and we agree if you have oneor two more or  less symptoms than listed in the DSM IV- doesnt mean you do or don't have something.

maybe you could discuss this in therapy- what would gwtting the ptsd dx mean to you? sometimes i read the DSM and i can see myself in the descriptions- since you work in a library i'd guess you havve access to one.

i'm sorry if i made this too much about me- i just really feel i can relate to your experience.

i hope you have a better day,

mrs l

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mrsloony, sorry I never acknowledged your post on Friday. ;) I was feeling pretty down and depressed about it all....I've joined several DID/Dissociative Disorder forums and its really helping me. little katie is feeling safer and more alive...am finding her.....she's beautiful.... :) and so lonely....

I don't feel quite as depressed about it all, and even feel less anxious...

but

somehow I have to try and convey all my thoughts and feelings in words in therapy tomorrow....convey to my therapist the depth of my experience....and I'm not sure how....any ideas welcome....

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nestling-

thanks for your post. i had actually been really worried that something about mt last post had offended or something- or i was being selfish on your post. i'm so sorry if i was.

anyway- thank you . and i'm really glad you've found DD forums a place where you can feel like you belong. it kind of brings tears to my eyes that you found something- kind of wish i could come along.

anyway- littles have always felt safe coming out to me- though online would be new- so if little katie ever want to say hi- i'd be happy to. for now- take care of big katie!

by the way thanks for the other link- how are you findinf these forums? i've never been able to before here.

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Oh Nestling - I almost see us as great friends way back when skipping and playing together wildly - what you write so reflects me - the wanting to snuggle w/my parents although I was too afraid to disturb them - my mom always pushed me away.  I am now starting hypnotherapy (hope it helps) to try to bring up some unsettled things of the past i.e. wandering away at age 3-4 and getting picked up by a stranger and then somehow returned hours later - I think many of my abandonment/fears started then and just got worse as the years went on and it was my mom who has a MI of some flavor but never diagnosed.  It's a wonder I'm still alive. Your cyber friend - Kris.

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mrsl your post didn't offend me at all. ;) far from it. and Kris..thank you....

this evening I'm pooped out....efex cruddiness. a long day at work. (including 4 hyper 5 year olds for reading support group...) lack of sleep and general emotional processing through.

I did find the Mind site article on DD today...and found it very comforting and reassuring....

more tomorrow...

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