Pills, pills, bipolar and pills

[Guest Invisible Girl]

Hi guys,

I decided to be invisible so no friends will be alarmed.

Is there not a point where it's just not worth it? I mean, I just started an additional mood stabilizer along with the one I am taking along with TWO anti-depressants.

I have been sliding deeper and deeper, but there was one thing I was focused on that took me away from it all-something that I held on to with both hands and kept me going. And now it's gone. And I feel stupid. I keep thinking that had I not gotten so caught up, I would have caught this before I got my suicidal thoughts on, you know?

And then I don't know what my true feelings are. I cannot believe that while I was SO caught up in this ONE thing, I ignored how everything else was slipping out of control. I know since I have been full blown BP that I am not as strong as I was. But I didn't know I was this weak, either.

So I take more and more and more pills. I have put on this brave, "I'm good" face for everyone, I think because I wanted SO BAD to be so good. And against my WILL the removal of this particular thing has started to consume me. And people to talk to? That would be zero.

I am seriously thinking of talking to my kids' dad and seeing if he will come live here with them and take over payments. Everything is just way too overwhelming. And the loss of this thing..I should be upset about this. Where is the line? Should I just not be upset about ANYTHING when I am on meds? Is there a medium upset place that I could be? I mean, I woke up today, and the first thing I thought about was not being here anymore.

No suggestions of people IRL who can help me. No suggestions of therapy, please. I guess I just needed to vent. No one knows how screwed up I really am. I went around making a few suicidal comments, and they just tell me no, you aren't. No, you won't do anything. No one wants to deal with anything like that. Luckily I only do that in some sort of mixed episode, and I don't have those very often. I mean, I don't go around saying stuff like that for effect.

BE SURE to note that I am not really preparing to do anything. I was way worse the other day and I am still here. Maybe I can take about twenty more pills and I will feel better. It doesn't feel like I could feel better.

Anyway, thanks for reading this. I'm really lonely and it sucks that I don't feel like I can talk to you guys anymore.

IG

[Dee]

Hi Invisible Girl,

I'm sorry you have lost something or someone dear to you.  I think many of us have felt the way you do now and it saddens me that you are lonely and have no one to talk to.  At least you have us crazies here who will lend an ear and support.

I'm not going to tell you to call a suicide hotline or go to the hospital.

I just want to say things can only get better when you hit rock bottom.

xoxoxoxox

[Squirlygrl]

IG,

I'm so sorry.  It can feel like pills can't help anymore (honestly, the only reason I don't *believe* they can't fix me is that, at this rate, it's going to take me another five years to try them all).

I think I have some idea about what you mean about losing the one thing: I did, and now I have to pick up the pieces instead of hiding, which I so desperately want to do.  If I lose the next "one thing," I'm toast.

And people to talk to?  Yeah. Even if you have them (which is better than not), they have a way of going AWOL at the worst possible times.

I hope your kids' dad can help.  I hope the new mood stabilizer kicks in for you, too.

Pulling for you,

sg

[Loon-A-TiK]

Venting can happen in different forms, like if you vent here or if you take it out with a walk or exercise or a punching bag or whatever. Just get it out somehow.

[Guest Invisible Girl]

Well, the boards would be the perfect place to do it but there are reasons that I feel like I can't. I can't be specific but I would need to be specific in order for someone to understand what my deal is.

This has been my place to go, my place to vent. I guess I will have to do with what I've got, huh?

Okay, so gee, it all sounds like this is about a guy. It is. And the story is looong. I think the real problem I am having right now is we are still friends, and I can do that, except I have to work through all of this terrible pain. He has a lot of his own issues, and by talking to him about it, he will feel really horrible. So I don't. I am still his support system, and that is mostly how it has been. And how I have wanted it. But my heart is just breaking inside. He really is a great guy, he is just confused right now. I just can't lay all this on him but there IS nowhere to lay it.

Do y'all think time will make it go away? I mean, without talking to someone about it? Can I talk myself out of it? Will I always hurt this badly if we remain friends? Will I constantly think about how I felt when he thought he loved me?

That's really the sad part. Hope is not something I ever have. I have not had a happy life at all. And for two months, I had hope. Hope is a really great thing. It was wonderful. I am trying to hold on to how great it was to feel that way for the first time in my life, with THE guy. Seeing the future. Imagining how things would work out. And I am the biggest realist/pessimist in the entire world.  I have never let my guard down like that. I have NEVER opened myself up for that kind of pain. And I did. And it is hard to be happy about the happy times when I feel like this.

You know, I always keep waiting for the next punch. And it always comes. I didn't think it was going to come this time. And I hate myself for that. I should have seen it. I should have anticipated it. THAT is what I DO, that is how I protect myself. I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe I wasn't.

Okay, that is surely enough.

IG

[Guest Llamanator]

Just because you're on meds doesn't mean you don't still feel stuff. Sucky things still suck, and can really hurt and be frightening. They don't take that away. Part of being human.

The challenge is learning how to deal with that vulnerability.

I'm so sorry your relationship ended badly and you're in pain like you are. Maybe, when you're ready, you can find some hope again.

Thoughts are with you.

Mimi

[Dee]

Time WILL heal you girl, but IMO remaining friends will only make it a long and even more painful process.  I'm not saying be enemies, but perhaps tell him you need a break.

Go get your hair done, a facial, mani/pedi and force yourself to go out.  Pick up a cute boy, preferrably younger.  Have a one night stand.

These are only my methods, but it worked for me when I had my last breakup.

Hang in there.  It can only go up from here.

[Guest Invisible Girl]

Maybe adding one more pill will help. It all just sucks so bad. Don't want to live? Take a pill! Take lots of them! Take pills that are supposed to not make you cycle although some of them will make you cycle more!!!!

Wah! MAN I am a big baby today. It all just seems so ridiculous.

I DO feel better than I did this morning. Am I getting better because of my new med, or did I get better on my own? BLAH.

[Adnama]

I can't offer you much, but I can tell you that I'm on something like eight medications, 14 or so pills a day right now.

I've been tweeking at this cocktail since January, and it's just now starting to kick in... and it really is kicking in, I feel like a normal human being. Sure, there's a few sucky side effects there, but beyond that... I'm me again and I can function.

Two mood stabilizers, three antidepresents, among i don't even know what else, and I don't much care- it works.

Yours will too, with time.

[NARS]

I'm not sure that staying friends itself will be a problem, but continuing to be his support system might.  I'm not sure if this applies to you, but I've known a lot of women who've tried that and ended up in a world of hurt for a long time.  I've been one of them more times than I can count.  In my case, "supporting" my ex was a way to stay in a relationship with him.  In the meantime I couldn't let myself heal or get over it because I wasn't helping myself; I was helping him.  And then when he moved on I'd be doubly pained.

This might sound harsh, but if you're feeling this crappy and hiding it from him you're not acting like a friend.  Friends share their problems, they give and take, they support each other.  If he can't support you in your time of need, he's no friend, he's just using you.  Don't feel too bad about being in that situation; it's only human to want to hold onto something you thought would work.  But do try to do something about it.  If you manage to emotionally separate yourself you will heal. 

You have some serious emotional needs right now.  You're adjusting to new medications, you're anxious about your diagnosis and the reality of taking all these meds.  You feel isolated and don't trust the world much.  You've been hurt.  I'm not sure why noone in your life will be supportive or understanding, and I know you don't want suggestions, but why can't you someone outside your regular circle for support?  It's awfully hard to go it alone. 

Anyhow, one thing I definitely will suggest is that you talk with your pdoc about how you feel.  Don't share specifics with him if you don't want to.  Although if there were one person you could confide in it should be the guy who's prescribing your psychmeds.  He can't tweak the meds well if you don't tell him, at least generally, what kind of triggers you're dealing with.  Explain your concerns about medication.  Explain your isolation and feelings of loss.  Maybe he can help; at the least it will give him an idea of what to do medically.

Hang in there.  I do hope the current cocktail is starting to work and that you find some sunlight coming in soon.

[Dire Curves]

IG, I was in a similar situation two yrs ago, loss of a good "friend" only to later become "just friends" and I was bad, to make things worse another person close to me decided to end it.  Then I realized I was on that same downward spiral.  Blah blah blah.

Doing what you are doing know, getting out what is the worst, is better than taking more pills (in my opinion of course).  Sometimes the only way I can feel better is to rant, bitch and complain, or just let anyone know how bad it is. 

If I may be so bold, I request that you continue to vent and talk here, or there, for it seems to work for me.  But I think you have already realized this after what has been said above & ,in the future, below.

Never are you alone in your thoughts, everyone is different, yet everyone contains the same stuff.  Always we will be made of the same materials and always will we continue to be different.

Look inside when it is good, look outside when it is bad, look nowhere when you can not find what you are looking for, for it is all around us and always will be so.  Dire

[myrkkyhammas]

we need to get you some meth and ect!

<3

[Dire Curves]

try a mixture of natural supplement that help with seretonin & ...+receptor comm help blah....

anyway always ask yo doc .....when it works you won't notice it at first, if it doesn't and you get an extra "bad" moment stop taking it immediately.....bvlah blah blh...

One a Day Mens

1000 mg Flaxseed oil

400 mcg Folic Acid

300 mg St Johns Wort

175 mg Milk Thistle

60 mg Gingko Biloba

500 mg Ginseng Complex

1000 mg Niacin w/ Inositol

200 mcg Chromium Picolinate

50 mg 5-HTP

400 mg SAM-e

still have some anxiety but overall people around me have noticed a change for the good.  But it has only been four months since my last depressive episode.  Time will tell as it always does.

______/\______-my opinion only

soon i'll start taking hemp seed oil to replace Omega's 3,6,9 amino acids; since i found out i'm allergic to fish......

dire

[Dee]

try a mixture of natural supplement that help with seretonin & ...+receptor comm help blah....

anyway always ask yo doc .....when it works you won't notice it at first, if it doesn't and you get an extra "bad" moment stop taking it immediately.....bvlah blah blh...

One a Day Mens

1000 mg Flaxseed oil

400 mcg Folic Acid

300 mg St Johns Wort

175 mg Milk Thistle

60 mg Gingko Biloba

500 mg Ginseng Complex

1000 mg Niacin w/ Inositol

200 mcg Chromium Picolinate

50 mg 5-HTP

400 mg SAM-e

still have some anxiety but overall people around me have noticed a change for the good.  But it has only been four months since my last depressive episode.  Time will tell as it always does.

______/\______-my opinion only

soon i'll start taking hemp seed oil to replace Omega's 3,6,9 amino acids; since i found out i'm allergic to fish......

dire

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Many of these things interact with psychotropic meds.  Others are pretty much utterly useless for people who are MI.  They all tax your liver and or kidneys which should be taken into consideration.

I'm not sure this suggestion is any better than the meth post.

See you doctor and request an adjustment to current meds or perhaps an addition to get you through this rough spell.

Hang in there love.  Most of us have been there.

Dee xo

*Edited to add*  I don't mean to diss you dire curves, but I'm in a mixed state from hell and really annoyed with people suggesting herbs, yoga and positive thinking. 

[Dire Curves]

I understand ya devilla.  I am also one of those/ was one of those rapid cycling mixed state..../ but it wasn't until i tried those supplements did i notice that the meds prescribed to me were working better.  Other supps are/can be added for liver enhancement (hence the SAM-e and Milk Thistle)

but as always it is our difference in genetics and environmental stresses that defines our dispositions. 

no offense taken.

dire

[Guest Invisible Girl]

Thanks for the pep talk, Adnama. I am just discouraged. And I am discouraged that I am so discouraged. Hey, I am just one AD away from you! I take two ADs, two mood stabilizers and one benzo. I have realized as of late that it takes a LOT to keep me alive!

NARS, you are very, very wise. Yes, your first paragraph totally applies to me. But I know that I will do exactly what all the women you speak of do. My friend tells me that you won