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Hello.

I can't remember a time when food wasn't THE main focus in my life.  Even when I'm so full and can't eat another bite...my thoughts wander to what else I'll eat later.  Diets, eating plans, Weight Watchers Summer Camps, gastric bypass, journaling what I eat and/or exercising will START to give results the first few weeks and then my body just basically says "F you" and shuts down.  No more weight loss.  If I can't get the gratification of weekly seeing measurable change in my efforts...I'm right back to food.

Overeating has ruined my life.  Whoever I COULD have been when I started out a sweet little girl was squandered when I somehow started using food to placate myself VERY YOUNG.  Then it became a horrible guilty, shameful and "what's wrong with me" set of glasses I looked at life through.  I was constantly pushed by my mom to stop eating, go on a diet and exercise.  She tried EVERYTHING until well into my adult life.  She too had weight/eating issues and knew what life would be like for me.  She tried to help the only way she knew how but it set up a terrible vicious cycle of sneaking food to make myself feel better and loved and treated special...that's what food feels like to me.  When I look at my family dynamics I can see all the ways life in general contributed to this addiction.  But breaking out of it has been a constant struggle.  Now for the last 2-3 years I've literally given up.  I'm 58 now and it feels like, short of a miracle, I'll die fat.  My hips, spine and knees are in terrible shape (of course they are).

Being fat set up a way of thinking and acting in all relationships with people that I also am exhausted with.  I honestly with all my heart and fiber of my being think and feel that pleasing someone else will keep them in my life and they'll pay what little attention to me they are willing to give me.  Not all people have been horrible, I've had some great friends over my life...but of course, THEY HAD LIVES and I was never the center of anyone else's life.  I would have done anything through my mid forties to make someone else the center of my life in hopes of finally finding someone who wanted to team up and walk through life together.  Now?  I'm too old.  I'm too set in my ways.  It's just not as important.  I'm past the age of finding someone to "be a couple" with...no I'll never define who I am that way.  I'm too old for kids and of course at this point I should've had grandchildren.  There will be no one to take care of me as I get older.  I literally hope God takes me out while I can still walk and am living on my own.  I never want to be institutionalized in an assisted living/nursing home type of situation.

Thanks for reading this.

Edited by HonestlyHadEnough
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5 hours ago, HonestlyHadEnough said:

  Thanks for reading this.

Have you ever worked with a therapist/psychologist about your issues with food?.......There are therapists that specialize in eating disorders........Here's a link where you can type in your city or zip code, and it finds these specialists in your area:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/eating-disorders

Just a suggestion.......

Edited by CrazyRedhead

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Hi CrazyRedhead:

Thank you for reading my post.
I have tried therapists years ago for depression, but never one that specialized in eating disorders.  I also think there are traumas and things I don't let myself remember that drove the addiction as a younger person that I'd like to work through.
Thanks for the link.  I will check it out.

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1 hour ago, HonestlyHadEnough said:

Thanks for the link.  I will check it out.

Wonderful......!!....I truly hope you can find some specialists in your area.......Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing........We will be here for you here at CB if you want to share....:)

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Aww I feel this so much, I really relate. I’m 41 myself and though not obese I am heavy and have degenerative disc disease in my back while I’m scrubbing dishes and doing manual labor. Actually looking into checking myself into a mental hospital for, as a cousin in the U.S calls it « a tune up ». I didn’t have kids either because I didn’t want to fuck them up and 10 years living in another country coming back here is a walking nightmare. Now I’m a fat bitter dishwasher with no skills to get out of this mess,  and poor on top of it. I’ve started a Ritalin regimen and am hoping it will push me to try to get out, at least try but I know myself. Have you considered inpatient care? There’s a sight called Better Help that might be helpful.                                         I feel your pain (*hugs*)

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I totally understand.  Grew up with a woman who began fat-shaming me when I was a toddler; my first memory is when I turned 4 and couldn't fit into a favorite summer outfit from the year before.  Her response was to tell me to not eat cookies.  Fortunately, her best friend was there and I remember her stooping so we could be eye-to-eye, and her telling me that I was growing, and getting bigger and that was why the outfit didn't fit.  Then she went upstairs with me to find something else.  First. Memory.  Needless to say, food is the focal point of my life and is an emotional bomb.  I go through phases when I can deal with it, and then I cannot.  Currently, anxiety is pushing me closer to over the edge than before.  Good times.  What seems to be working (for now) is cooking at home and not focusing on what diet/program I should be adhering to.  As for talking to someone - meh.  The people I have found suck. 

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