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Extreme love attachments over people...

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I get extremely attached to guys who I like (only 2 extreme attachments in my life, and a few milder ones) but I must find him very attractive so it’s a romantic type of attachment. Yup, I am gay and both my 2 attachments have been on straight guys. I know they are straight and cannot love me back, but my brain doesn’t care. It thinks about them 24/7. LITERALLY. Even in my dreams I have to suffer from depression and anxiety as he appears in my dreams. So far OCD is the only medical type of diagnosis that comes close... But even then it’s way worse than just OCD. 


For those who have attachment problem imagine this: imagine being so in love with someone that you couldn’t even explain how deep the love felt. NOW IMAGINE they just broke up with you TODAY; and you feel so depressed that you want to kill yourself to end the pain. You now suffer extreme anxiety just thinking of them. Anxiety so overwhelming you can pop a handful of Xanax and still feel overwhelming painful anxiety.

You also now suffer from “OCD” as your brain thinks of them 24/7, which causes the ungodly painful depression and anxiety. Because of the heartbreak pain you are feeling from the break-up TODAY (remember: it just happened TODAY so the depression/anxiety is at its PEAK) it makes you insanely depressed with anxiety and just WISHING you could be with them. ALL you think about is being with them.. I’m sure many of you have felt this way before, for a short period. 

Alright so just imagine that feeling. For most people they will get over it in time.

NOW Imagine: the pain you feel from that stays in “stage 1” 24/7. Or rather the pain you feel on day 1 and it’s peak?? Well, Imagine that feeling never going away. It stays in day 1 at its peak endlessly.... =| So 3 years later it feels just as painful as it did on day 1.... Literally. And everyday you wonder if jumping off a bridge is better than dealing with the suffering. 

That’s basically how I feel. Or best way to explain it. My attachments can last an indefinite period of time, so that peak day 1 feeling basically goes on all day, everyday 24/7. It’s absolutely insane mental torture that no human should ever experience. It’s that horrible. In fact you could say I turned atheist now - as if there’s a god I wonder if he’s evil because how the hell can you subject someone to such horrible mental torture!? Sorry to bring religion into it, I just think this type of pain is so unreal that nobody should ever experience it. I remember taking Vicodin and such to try to numb the emotional pain.... Yup, I’m unfortunately I am drug prone now, as if ANYTHING is able to stop the pain then I will jump on it. So far nothing has worked. From Benzos to painkillers to SSRIS to Adderall to Drinking to marijuana, nothing works. 

SSRIS though seem to have reduced it, so instead of it being a 10/10 bad it’s now a 7/10 bad. Which is better but still insanely bad and painful. It’s so painful that I could have all my friends and family die, and not even feel 1/1000th the pain/sorrow I feel for the guy I love.

Also: my former psychiatrist said that not getting love as a child can cause you as an adult to attach to people extremely bad (like an infant attaches to a mom extremely strong) and it’s a VERY deep rooted issue; so if I didn’t get that love as a child - then as an adult I could be seeking out that love from others. Which is impossible to achieve...

Which I remember zero affection from my parents so unfortunately it seems that it’s a deep rooted problem that stems from childhood. 

Here is my current med list: 

—Zoloft 200mg. I felt zero relief from 150mg and below. Now being at 200mg for a month or so has put a minor dent in helping, so maybe a 7.5/10 instead of 10/10. So not enough. I also took my first SSRI back in 2008 or so. In the past 1 year I decided to try SSRIS again, and have cycled through lexapro 30mg, Paxil 40mg, basically every SSRI beside Luvox I have taken. Paxil seemed the most effective SSRI (it also is the most potent SSRI occupany wise) but my dumbass stopped it because it blocked Adderall from working. I’m guessing due to its CYP2D6 action.

—Mirtazapine 30mg at night. Been on for 3 years. I don’t know if it does anything. I took it originally for sleep and now I cannot sleep without it, and the WD sucks, so I’m stuck on it. 

—Clonzepam 4-6mg daily. Been on this for 10 years. I was once up to 20mg daily and that still didn’t control my anxiety. Not a typo. Twenty freaking mg. I ended up in the ER if I ever ran out. 

—5HTP 100mg daily or l-tryptophan 1g to 1.5g daily in ADDITION to the SSRI. The SSRI only seems effective in combo with this, so I’m guessing I need both serotonin synthesis AND reuptake. Which means my brain is probably very low on serotonin, which I have basically all the symptoms of. 

In the past I have taken antidepressant wise: Prozac up to 80mg, Lexapro up to 30mg, Paxil up to 40mg, Effexor up to 150mg, Wellbutrin up to 300mg, and I forget what else. Or maybe that’s all, AD wise. Won’t list all the others. 

Oh: and yes Adderall or any dopamine/noradrenaline boosting med only makes my anxiety worse and obsessions worse. But it makes my MOOD way better, but worsens my anxiety and obsessions. So a catch 22 or whatever. I only take when needed if I need energy/motivation. I haven’t taken it in almost 2 weeks or so. 


So if anyone actually read that... Any advice? I’m wondering if something like Serequel or Risperdial may help. As blocking dopamine might help. But the only thing I’m not sure of is I read it also blocks SERT also. Which I firmly believe I need more serotonin... So yeah. Kinda confused on how those atypical antipsychotics work. I always thought their main thing was blocking dopamine at D2, but it seems they also strongly block multiple SERT receptors. So I’m not sure. 

Also thought maybe adding clomipramine in addition to the SSRI, but see that its metabolite is pretty potent on noradrenaline... Which can worsen anxiety/obsessions. Also wasn’t sure if it’s SERT reuptake action would “ADD” to the SSRI reuptake action since it’s a TCA, or how that works...


geeze that was a long post. 

Edited by JJ17
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Edit: after checking google I found what I guess I never noticed before: “Obessive love disorder” it’s not officially regonized as a disorder as it’s rare only 0.1% of people are believed to have it.

But SSRI, mood stabilizers, and antipsychotics are recommended medication wise. Normally a combo. I have been looking for that answer forever and finally found it, lol. I am not bipolar nor do I have any psychosis, but maybe a mood stabilizer or atypical med like risperidal will augment the SSRI I take. 

Will see. 

Edited by JJ17
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