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Obsessive thoughts about killing myself


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I don't even know if this falls under OCD or depression or BPD...but I have really obsessive/intrusive thoughts about killing myself.  I think about it all the time...how to do it, when etc.  I think terrible things like if someone is messing with me (like the insurance company I wrote about in the employment forum) I think "well I'll kill myself and that will show them."

I don't think I truly want to die but I can't get rid of these thoughts.  So far I haven't done much other than a bit of scratching, biting and reckless behaviour, but the thougts just won't go away.

Would you guys lump that in with OCD or assume it's coming from somewhere else?

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The "I'll show them" part doesn't sound like OCD to me.  The intrusive thoughts could be.  For me intrusive thoughts are more about me doing something that i find morally reprehensible.  I'll look at a stranger and out of the blue think about mutilating them with my fork.  Stuff like that isn't the only symptom but it's part of it. 

Do you really want to kill yourself?  If you don't but are scared that you will anyway, that could be OCDish.  "Testing' behaviors are often part of OCD as well.

This is as good as anything else I could find spur of the moment for further reading:

http://www.ocdla.com/whatisOCD.html

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I don't even know if this falls under OCD or depression or BPD...but I have really obsessive/intrusive thoughts about killing myself.  I think about it all the time...how to do it, when etc.  I think terrible things like if someone is messing with me (like the insurance company I wrote about in the employment forum) I think "well I'll kill myself and that will show them."

I don't think I truly want to die but I can't get rid of these thoughts.  So far I haven't done much other than a bit of scratching, biting and reckless behaviour, but the thougts just won't go away.

Would you guys lump that in with OCD or assume it's coming from somewhere else?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Green,

The times I've been suicidal, I've truly wanted to die, but I can relate in that there was always that lingering feeling that my death would make them (whomever they are) would realize how seriously depressed I was.  I always wondered what my dad would do since he really believes that I made bipolar up in my head because I'm moody and oversensitive..  ug.

I would just call them intrusive thoughts rather than try and peg them into a category.  Seems to me that many of us have them and they can be part of anxiety, stress, depression, obsessive compulsion, etc..  Oh yeah and the reckless behavior you just mentioned.  I am er...was big on this.  I'd drive my car like a maniac on purpose and would feel pretty powerful because it was like, if I die in an accident, I don't care and in a sick way, it's a twisted kind of rush..

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The nature of clinical obsessions and intrusive thoughts is typically "against the grain" of your normal thought content.  In other words, if you are a kind, passive person you are more likely to have obsessions with violent content.  Thats just one example of many potential types which often involve sexual, bizarre or violent content.

Now, a point that is important is that EVERYBODY gets intrusive thoughts.  People with an obsessive personality trait are more prone to them than normal, and those with OCD and OCPD have a tendency to succumb to the thoughts by focusing on them or fighting them off, which unfortunately has the reverse effect in most cases (increasing severity and frequency).

Now, in your case, whilst its possible you have OCD (and this should be diagnosed by a psychiatrist and/or psychologist rather than this discussion group!), its quite likely you have an obsessive personality trait which is more prominent during a depressive episode. 

Before I developed full blown OCD i experienced this, and my typical thought content involved suicidal imagery hundreds of times per day.  The biggie for me was jumping in front of my morning train on the way to work.  I would think about doing this every morning and feel a compulsion to do it every morning - I literally had to focus to resist the compulsion. 

Now, as it turns out, given time, I saw several psychiatrists and a clinical psychologist who all concurred that I was suffering from recurring Major Depressive episodes, full blown OCD and panic disorder concurrently.  The major depressive episodes have now been indentified as psychotic depression, which purely means depression with some schizophrenic features (eg hearing voices etc). 

In your case, it may simply be an obsessive personality trait interferring with depression, and it may not.  You need to discuss this one in depth with your psychiatrist and/or therapist.

From my experience, although many general practioners like to hang on to patients, anything beyond a single episode should be referred to an expert, being a p-doc and/or t-doc. 

I left this decision too late and ended up a year behind in my medical therapy (ie medication) and was actually worse off after the first year than when i started (thanks to an arrogant, ignorant and rude gp and luvox + xanax).  Seeing a psychiatrist (and he's a really good one) was the turning point for me in retrospect.  Im now taking paxil + seroquel, with the occasional valium and its a good mix for me.  Life changing...

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  • 3 years later...

For me intrusive thoughts are more about me doing something that i find morally reprehensible

Me too. I won't say what.

The biggie for me was jumping in front of my morning train on the way to work. I would think about doing this every morning and feel a compulsion to do it every morning - I literally had to focus to resist the compulsion.

Again, me too. Exactly. I would have to turn my back to the train every morning and work against my thoughts.

Obsessive, intrusive thoughts are part of many disorders. Depression is mostly suicidal, etc. and OCD can be anything with a compulsion, like the examples above.

OCD can come along with other disorders.

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